It’s still the off-season for Santa Claus, and even though he’s on vacation, he’s been busy with his side gig: selling drugs.
Back around Christmas, we told you that Santa Claus got arrested in Jacksonville, Florida, for selling drugs. It seems that the jolly old elf didn’t learn his lesson, because police picked him up in the Florida Keys selling again. According to authorities, Fidel Gutierrez, which is apparently the name Claus is going by right now, sold cocaine to undercover police officers six times in February and March. In his defense, those officers had wished for coke.
Should we really be shocked that a guy with white hair and a white beard selling snow?
On Christmas Day, Facebook decided to be a Grinch. That’s when the site took away Santa Claus’ Facebook account and demanded proof of identification. In other words, Facebook didn’t believe in Santa.
We should remind you that Santa Claus is a real person. He really, truly, is on the North Pole, Alaska City Council, and he’s no stranger to firing up a funny yule log, being an outspoken supporter of legalizing marijuana. But Facebook didn’t believe in him, and chose Santa’s biggest day of the year to say so. Imagine you have been out delivering presents to all the good girls and boys all night long, only to come home in the morning and find Facebook has deactivated your account.
But the jolly fat guy didn’t let it slow him down. He sent Facebook multiple forms proving his identity, and his account was reactivated just before the New Year.
Pagans are followers of Paganism, an ancient mystical religion honor nature and some obscure European gods. They are split into two groups, those who listen to metal and those who listen to harp and lute stuff. And just in time for the War on Christmas, Maine is giving the pagans the right to look silly in their driver’s license photos.
Santa Claus, a rather large elf who probably has diabetes from all the cookies we give him, only works one night a year. That gives him a lot of time to do what he wants to do–like drive drunk or steal a helicopter. This time he was arrested in Florida.
According to authorities, Pere Noel was in Jacksonville, Florida selling marijuana, molly and ecstasy out of a U-Haul truck. Acting on a tip, police caught up to Saint Nicholas, who was in his trademark red suit with white furry trim (heh), probably just trying to make a quick buck on his side hustle. He tried to run when he saw the cops, but was foiled when his pants fell down and tripped him up.
Here in the U.S., and in countries around the world that try to be America, it’s Christmastime–a sacred holiday filled with celebrating Jesus’ birth by asking people to buy you things. So as we celebrate by binge drinking with friends and family in tacky sweaters, let’s not forget to remain on our guards.
A woman in Melbourne, Australia found a deadly tiger snake slithering in her Christmas tree yesterday. No doubt the snake was there to give the gift of its venom to all the good boys and girls. The woman reportedly called an animal handler, then made herself a cup of tea and watched the thing act like scaly garland in her tree.
The snake was caught, and luckily no humans were harmed. We have no word on whether the snake will live to see Christmas.
Aside from the Cat in the Hat, most non-human Dr. Seuss characters aren’t a clearly defined animal. But we now know that the Grinch is a squirrel.
In Canada, a town near Toronto has had its holiday nights cut by squirrels, because the real War on Christmas is fought between humans and animals. The town had lights in the trees around one of its parks for all to enjoy during the Christmas season. But now, the park is dark because squirrels have chewed through the wires.
The town is standing strong against the animal onslaught, installing multicolored flood lights to get the park looking festive again.
The Guys – well, Rick and Bryan, anyway – are at an impasse. We both agree that, since Thanksgiving is over, we’re in the officially acceptable period of expressing Christmas joy. But, is there a Too Soon for dialing Christmas up to 11? Are there limits, both structurally and psychologically, to how quickly we should ramp up Christmas? Can we maintain the holiday spirit for an entire month, or should we taper it off a bit to make it to December 25th? Bryan believes this is stupid and insane (Con), and Rick thinks it’s not only inevitable but makes December better (Pro).
We hash out all this and more in Pro vs. Con: Yule Be Sorry Edition.
Christmas trees and other decorations
Rick: There’s definitely a Too Soon for Christmas decorations, and that’s any time before Thanksgiving. Stores setting up Christmas displays before Halloween? That’s ridiculous, and Christmas in July is a buttf*cking blasphemy. But, once we’re past Thanksgiving? I say go for it.
Christmas decorations in my house mean rearranging furniture, heaving lifting, gardening/floristry, ladders and outdoor work. You won’t have a larger unpaid labor force any other day of the year than on the Friday immediately after Thanksgiving, which you can pay in leftovers. With that amount of work put into decorating, I’m not taking them down until my final eviction notice in mid-January. I figure there’s Advent, Christmas Eve and Day, the twelve days of Christmas, the Epiphany (if you’re Catholic), New Years, and then the two weeks of 2016’s hangover.
Bryan: If you’re able to move off the couch after Thanksgiving, you’re doing it wrong. The day after Thanksgiving is for one thing only: praying for a smooth bowel movement. Continue reading Pro vs. Con: Yule be sorry
The Post Falls, Idaho Police Department is going to be on the naughty list next year after they arrested a man named Santa Claus last week.
According to authorities, Claus was spotted driving the wrong way on a one-way street and was pulled over. Father Christmas explained that he wasn’t from around there, and wasn’t familiar with the streets in town. However, cops smelled alcohol on his breath. He blew a .13 of jolliness. Pere Noel was arrested and charged with DUI, which was later reduced to reckless driving.
Santa, next time you have a few, ask one of your helpers to drive. At least now we know where he went with the stolen helicopter.
And just like that, 2015 is over. It seems like only yesterday we were talking about how miserable a year 2014 was. I, for one, think that we managed to surpass all expectations this year. It was the most miserable yet. We kept injuring ourselves falling off of bikes, stages and those Segway-like things that aren’t actually hoverboards. We agreed when Jared Fogle got arrested that rape jokes can be funny. We landed a probe on a comet, and immediately lost track of it. And we got really, really into the finer points of air pressure in a football. The sooner we get through this, the sooner we can get started with 2016. Grab a bottle and let’s do this.
Young people who don’t watch award shows upset
The nominees for the Academy Awards were announced and Twitter was all, well, atwitter with the news. Mostly, people were upset that all 20 of the nominees for acting awards were white, the third time it’s happened since 1998. Highlighting their point was the fact that “Selma” was all but shut out of the nominations. But everyone eventually moved on because a woman said a nominee’s name was “Dick Poop.”
The Summah Olympics
The U.S. Olympic Committee chose Boston as the city it would run for the 2024 Summer Olympic Games. Boston beat out Los Angeles, San Francisco and Washington, D.C. Why Boston? Because if international sports fans can take a poverty-stricken, crime-ridden city like Rio de Janeiro, they’ll love a city where packs of Irish mooks all named Sully or Murph rove unmolested. Later in the year, the people of Boston told the committee where to stick their nomination.
Scientists announced that they captured in real time a radio signal burst from unknown origins deep in space. Researchers insisted that the signal was caused by some kind of natural source, and that there was no message in the burst. But we all know that it was Casey Kasem getting on Heaven’s airwaves. Continue reading You Missed It: End of 2015 edition
It seems like the Krampus just kind of wormed its way into our current popular culture out of the blue. How did a piece of obscure folklore from Austria/Bavaria take root in a public consciousness that barely has enough room for Jesus, much less a horned creature that whips naughty children with birch branches?
Can’t blow down modern houses, so he sneaks down the chimney?
Connect the dots, people. It’s even in the name:
“Santa” is an anagram for “Satan,” the basis for Krampus’ horns.
Claus sounds like Clause, which is how Tim Allen flogged America for making Home Improvement — a show about working with various woods, including birch — a hit.
So, you better watch out, you better now cry, you better not pout, we’re telling you why: Santa Claus is Krampus this year. But, then you can go right back to being a douche. Well, until 2034 when the Christmas moon is full again.