Santa Claus arrested for being too jolly to drive

The Post Falls, Idaho Police Department is going to be on the naughty list next year after they arrested a man named Santa Claus last week.

According to authorities, Claus was spotted driving the wrong way on a one-way street and was pulled over. Father Christmas explained that he wasn’t from around there, and wasn’t familiar with the streets in town. However, cops smelled alcohol on his breath. He blew a .13 of jolliness. Pere Noel was arrested and charged with DUI, which was later reduced to reckless driving.

Santa, next time you have a few, ask one of your helpers to drive. At least now we know where he went with the stolen helicopter.

 

You Missed It: End of 2015 edition

I will be drinking every single one of these.
I will be drinking every single one of these in the next half hour.

And just like that, 2015 is over. It seems like only yesterday we were talking about how miserable a year 2014 was. I, for one, think that we managed to surpass all expectations this year. It was the most miserable yet. We kept injuring ourselves falling off of bikes, stages and those Segway-like things that aren’t actually hoverboards. We agreed when Jared Fogle got arrested that rape jokes can be funny. We landed a probe on a comet, and immediately lost track of it. And we got really, really into the finer points of air pressure in a football. The sooner we get through this, the sooner we can get started with 2016. Grab a bottle and let’s do this.

January

Young people who don’t watch award shows upset
The nominees for the Academy Awards were announced and Twitter was all, well, atwitter with the news. Mostly, people were upset that all 20 of the nominees for acting awards were white, the third time it’s happened since 1998. Highlighting their point was the fact that “Selma” was all but shut out of the nominations. But everyone eventually moved on because a woman said a nominee’s name was “Dick Poop.”

The Summah Olympics
The U.S. Olympic Committee chose Boston as the city it would run for the 2024 Summer Olympic Games. Boston beat out Los Angeles, San Francisco and Washington, D.C. Why Boston? Because if international sports fans can take a poverty-stricken, crime-ridden city like Rio de Janeiro, they’ll love a city where packs of Irish mooks all named Sully or Murph rove unmolested. Later in the year, the people of Boston told the committee where to stick their nomination.

Radio nowhere
Scientists announced that they captured in real time a radio signal burst from unknown origins deep in space. Researchers insisted that the signal was caused by some kind of natural source, and that there was no message in the burst. But we all know that it was Casey Kasem getting on Heaven’s airwaves. Continue reading You Missed It: End of 2015 edition

Krampus Claus coming to town this year

Younger kids instinctively know Santa's other form. Hence why they defend themselves by peeing on him in malls.
Younger kids instinctively know Santa’s other form. Hence why they defend themselves by peeing on him in malls.

It seems like the Krampus just kind of wormed its way into our current popular culture out of the blue. How did a piece of obscure folklore from Austria/Bavaria take root in a public consciousness that barely has enough room for Jesus, much less a horned creature that whips naughty children with birch branches?

Simple: this year will be the first full moon on Christmas since 1977. And, Santa Claus is a werewolf.

C’mon. You didn’t see it?

  • Immortal?
  • Hairy?
  • Can’t blow down modern houses, so he sneaks down the chimney?

Connect the dots, people. It’s even in the name:

  • “Santa” is an anagram for “Satan,” the basis for Krampus’ horns.
  • Claus sounds like Clause, which is how Tim Allen flogged America for making Home Improvement — a show about working with various woods, including birch — a hit.

So, you better watch out, you better now cry, you better not pout, we’re telling you why: Santa Claus is Krampus this year. But, then you can go right back to being a douche. Well, until 2034 when the Christmas moon is full again.

You Missed It: Undead Christmas edition

Wise zombies still seek Him.
Wise zombies still seek Him.

There are people camping out for the new Star Wars movie. The movie isn’t coming out until next Friday. That means these people are going to be outside in December for a week to see a new movie. They don’t even have to. A ton of people pre-ordered tickets to the first showings of the film, but even so, that’s only a maximum 20% of the seating available. You can show up the night of the first showing and still get a seat. Let’s hope it’s not next to the guy who hasn’t seen a shower in a week. If you were busy being named Time‘s person of the year this week, odds are you missed it.

Well he did rise from the dead
It’s Christmas time, and that means people are putting out all sorts of decorations. It also means that those people’s neighbors are getting pissed off with all of those decorations. Some tightasses in Ohio recently made headlines over complaining about their neighbors zombie nativity scene, complete with the zombie Holy Family. Despite a constitutionally guaranteed right to freedom of expression, the man’s town is fining him up to $500 per day that he had the scene up. Some people have no appreciated for The Nightmare Before Christmas.

GOP candidate says more crazy stuff
Walking Drudge Report wet dream and presidential candidate Donald Trump this week proposed that the U.S. stop allowing Muslims to enter, as well as a whole bunch of other outlandish claims you’ve already heard about. In response citizens in the U.K. are trying to get their government to ban him from entering their country. Folks, if this keeps up, we may really be stuck with him.

Admiral loses sea legs
U.S. Navy Rear Adm. David Baucom was attending a conference in Florida and decided to have a few drinks. And because he’s mentioned here, you know it was a few too many. According to reports, Baucom got so drunk at a party that he wet his pants. He was then taken back to his hotel room, but his night wasn’t over. Baucom got up to go to the bathroom during the night and accidentally locked himself out of his hotel room, naked. His actions have prompted the Navy to ask itself, “What do you do with a drunken sailor?”

British mail takes hard line on cats

Not a person.
Not a person.

Cats are everywhere on the internet. We lost a lot of ground to them early on in the War on Animals, and your girlfriend isn’t making it any easier for us to gain it back. Luckily, the British have no time for the nonsense that cats bring in real life.

In London, the mail service has refused to deliver an advent calendar because it’s addressed to a cat, which doesn’t have a valid ID. Yes, once again, animals are trying to wreck our highest of high holy holidays by taking over the fun. The Crown refuses to let that happen. Here in the U.S., the cat would probably be issued a driver’s license and social security card by our inept bureaucracy.

Between this and the beer tree, we’re thinking that London does Christmas right.

A tree pours beer in London

Some holiday magic landed in London last Friday. The bad news is that the holiday cheer is already dried up.

Carlsberg, a brand of beer you’ve probably seen on soccer jerseys, set up a Christmas tree along the Thames River in London on Friday. This wasn’t just any Christmas tree, it came with a gift for everyone: the gift of free beer. For seven hours, Londoners got to drink free beer. We can only assume that this led to other holiday traditions in England, such as throwing up in the street and getting into fistfights.

Here’s hoping for the Christmas miracle to make it here to the U.S.

Squirrels declare war on Christmas

The city of Norwalk, Connecticut is in disarray after one of its most time-honored traditions became a target by our worst enemies: the animals.

Locals are planning to gather at City Hall tonight to watch the annual Christmas tree lighting, but there’s a chance it won’t happen because of sabotage. Workers setting up the tree found that several strands of lights they had recently put up were chewed through by squirrels. The most likely reason is to disrupt the tranquility we feel in holiday traditions, but there’s another side here.

What if the squirrels are chewing away at the wiring to harvest the copper, then sell it back to us to finance their operations?

Santa Claus steals helicopter

This is what happens when reindeer feed prices go up.
This is what happens when reindeer feed prices go up.

Thanksgiving has come and gone, and while here in the U.S. it means the beginning of Valentine’s Day season, in other countries, they’re just getting their Christmas season underway.

In Brazil, they’re already dealing with the annual worldwide scourge of Santa Clauses committing crimes. Santa’s starting off big this year. Authorities say he stole a helicopter in Sao Paulo. Chris Kringle rented a helicopter from a nearby airport, and forced the pilot to land in a field, where another guy, likely one of Santa’s helpers, joined them. They tied up the pilot and flew off.

We are left to assume that we’ll see the helicopter again Christmas Eve, provided we’re good.

Santa Claus is governing the town

The man is a political junkie, as we saw at the Democratic debate.
The man is a political junkie, as we saw at the Democratic debate.

We don’t think about the North Pole unless it’s Christmas, but the town exists year-round. That means they must have some sort of government and all the problems of a small town.

It turns out that North Pole isn’t a dictatorship run by Santa Claus, but he just got elected to the city council. Claus conducted a successful write-in campaign for the seat in North Pole, Alaska after no one threw their hat into the ring. He got more than twice the candidate who finished second. You may remember Santa Claus from his stirring speech in favor of medical marijuana back in June.

This holiday season promises to be merrier than ever.

You Missed It: Meat lover’s edition

Also not legal in Indiana.
Also not legal in Indiana.

Easter as an adult isn’t much fun. Sure, you can enjoy an Easter lamb or ham feast, and maybe snack on some candy, but besides that, it’s sort of dull. The best you can hope for is getting excited to dress up your kid–if you’re into that sort of thing. It’s not like Christmas, which is the best day ever for children, and a license to booze for adults. We should make Easter a mini-Christmas for adults, starting with boozy office parties. If you were busy working out a nuclear deal with Iran this week, odds are you missed it.

Too much sausage for one pizza joint
This week, Indiana came under fire for passing a bill that critics say will mix church and state, and allow businesses to turn customers away for religious reasons, including if they are gay. When owners of a pizza place said they support the law, they too faced criticism. Like-minded bigots raised $400,000 for the establishment in an online campaign. Now where will Ted Cruz’s campaign getting funding from? His supporters just tapped themselves out.

A few months at sea
A passing ship saved a sailor who had been lost at sea for 66 days on Thursday. Authorities say Louis Jordan took his wooden sailboat out on a fishing trip in January. The boat capsized, most its mast, then righted itself again. He was found hundreds of miles off the coast of North Carolina by a passing cargo ship. Upon returning to land, Jordan said, “I’m happy to be alive, and Selma really got snubbed on Oscar nominations, huh?”

That’s not something to brag about
British Prime Minister David Cameron said in an interview that he is related to the Kardashians. He said they have a common ancestor, who was born in 1555. It’s good to see Europeans claiming relations to U.S. royalty for a change.