The McBournie Minute: Famous people holidays are just more fun

I have been critical of people who follow celebrities more than they do the real world–or even their own lives–in recent years, but I would now like to say that I, Bryan McBournie was wrong. It is not wrong to follow celebrities simply because they are beautiful and you don’t want to think about your crap job.

Actually, I think it’s only wrong to do that unless there is a holiday coming up.

All of a sudden, celebrities are making the holidays a little bit more tolerable. First, we have (allegedly) Tiger Woods yelling at his (alleged) wife on Thanksgiving, who is made about his unfaithfulness (allegedly). He then (allegedly) takes off in an SUV, but not before the wife (allegedly) smashes a window with an (alleged) golf club. Woods then hits a fire hydrant and tree (allegedly). Then we Charlie (allegedly) Sheen and his wife (allegedly) getting in an argument on Christmas day, with Sheen (allegedly) holding a knife at one point. I can’t wait to see that episode of Two and a Half Men. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Famous people holidays are just more fun

MasterChugs Theater: ‘A Christmas Story’

Congratulations. If you’ve made it this far, you’re now reading about what is my absolute favorite Christmas movie of all time. And speaking of reading, let’s get on with the review.

For the uninitiated, A Christmas Story ranks as the best holiday movie ever, better than Scrooged, better than A Christmas Carol (pick a variety), better even than It’s a Wonderful Life. Based on the book In God We Trust: All Others Pay Cash by Jean Shepherd, it’s a period piece set in roughly 1940, telling a series of vignettes about a young boy that’s 9 years old in the weeks leading up to Christmas. He faces down bullies, witnesses a dare match over whether a tongue will stick to a frozen metal pole, gets his mouth washed out with soap, and sees the holiday turkey devoured by dogs… and all he wants is a BB gun! But as everyone tells him, “You’ll shoot your eye out, kid!”

And with that line, the movie went down into the annals of pop culture. But, there’s more to the film than just quotable dialogue. What makes this film so good? Hit the jump to find out why.  Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘A Christmas Story’

They’ve got spirit, yes they do

So, you think you’ve got Christmas spirit, eh? With your giant nativity scene, Night Elf Mohawk ears and Ralphie bunny suit, do ya?

Well, just like everything else you endeavor in life, an astronaut’s got you beat.

Astronauts aboard the space station get not one, but two (TWO) Christmases. No, they’re not all the children of broken marriages. They celebrate the real one on December 25 and then the Russian one on Jan. 7 where everyone exchanges the same exact present.

(Hope you like vodka rations.)

Two Christmases may seem like a good idea, especially when you’re flying, but we’ve heard this all before:

MasterChugs Theater: ‘Scrooged’

Would Charles Dickens have written the movie Scrooge? No. Would he have written The Muppet Christmas Carol? Good lord no, and stab your eyes for even suggesting as such. Truth told, he probably would have written something like Scrooged, an 80s, greed-isn’t-good update of the Dickens classic. The wittiest satire of television since Network, Scrooged gives us Frank Cross, the “youngest president in the history of television,” a man who also happens to be the completely maniacal head of the IBC TV network. IBC’s holiday programming runs toward action flicks like The Night the Reindeer Died and cheesy variety shows like Bob Goulet’s Old-Fashioned Cajun Christmas. But Frank’s pièce de résistance is Scrooge, a live-from-around-the-world Christmas Eve special, featuring Buddy Hackett as the old skinflint, Mary Lou Retton as Tiny Tim, and a bevy of scantily clad, oh-so 80s Solid Gold Dancers.

“We’ll own Christmas,” Frank announces gleefully.

But will it own your heart? Hit the cut, true believers, to find out the answer to that question, along with why it’s the second of three traditional Christmas-time movies for me. Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘Scrooged’


Who has the time to get actually crucified these days, anyway?If you can’t get your yule log up unless you pretend someone’s stealing Christmas, then we’ve got your fix right here.

According to his father, a boy* was sent home and ordered to undergo a psych eval for his classwork. In response to the assignment of drawing something that reminds him of Christmas, he drew himself being crucified.

It is our opinion that he should have at most received half-credit for drawing the wrong holiday.

Of course, the teacher didn’t say she was punishing him for his Christianity. She said the eval was because of the “violent imagery.” (Pfft.) Folks, what’s the world coming to if you can’t draw yourself having nails driven through your hands and ankles, a crown of thorns thrust onto your head and starving to death while exposed to the heat and cold, birds pecking at you and soldiers poking you with spears?

*Note: SeriouslyGuys refuses to identify the boy so he won’t be unfairly ostracized, but he’s a second grader from Taunton, Massachusetts and the son of Chester Johnson. But that’s all we’ll say about that.

No rabid dogs allowed

When author Stephen King heard that a unit with the Maine National Guard was looking to travel home from training in Indiana for Christmas, King forked over $12,999 to help finance a pair of charter buses.

Little did the soldiers know that the buses they were on were taking them … to Salem’s Lot!


The McBournie Minute: Don’t let the holidays be ‘The Matrix’ 2 and 3

The holidays are upon us, and that means everyone’s got their hopes up. They’re all filled with Christmas cheer and the thoughts of great things around the corner. They can’t wait to sit down with family next to a roaring fire as everyone dives for presents under the Christmas tree. Then they remember that they don’t even have a fireplace.

Americans usually love to see things go horribly wrong, to watch heroes fall and to say that they saw it coming the whole time. But for some reason, this time of year makes people forget all their experiences and wish for the best, only to have their hopes dashed when the momentous day finally arrives.

Why is this? Because we all let our hopes get risen to unrealistic levels, and it’s the entertainment industry that does it to us–and Norman f&%$ing Rockwell. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Don’t let the holidays be ‘The Matrix’ 2 and 3

Christmas cow in Connecticut

Christmas is nearly here, and surprise surprise, the animals are here to ruin it for us. A baby cow (I believe the correct nomenclature is “cowlet”) was born in Connecticut with what looks to be a cross on its head.

Of course, the owner of the cowlet sees it as a holy sign. This might be true, but we have to be careful of misinterpreting the sign. Some might see it as a sign to protect the cow and treasure it. Of course, those people would be wrong.

God so loved the world that he gave a Connecticut farmer this cowlet so that his family could enjoy the most divine veal ever made on Jesus’ birthday

Christmas is in the air

We tend to make fun of foreigners a lot, so perhaps it’s time we show the good side of them (aside from the French, they’re bastards).

In Germany, a woman was pulled over for speeding and was understandably upset by getting a ticket for the offense. She was so upset that she began crying. Another woman pulled over for the same reason was moved by first driver’s tears that she paid for the crying woman’s ticket.

And that’s it.

Yeah, you didn’t expect one of those warm, fuzzy, Christmas cheer-type stories, did you?

Take it from Snee for Christmas, Hanukah, etc.

Halloween is less than a week into the ground, which means that it’s already Christmas in the malls and strip clubs of America. (Sure, they say “holidays,” but the only store with blue lights is K-Mart.) Why do they start so early? Because some people actually buy gifts that early. Crazy, I know?

The rest of us wait until the last minute because, well, giving isn’t about me. The only thing I give on a regular occasion is this column. But, as I mentioned before, I’m trying to be a better person … at least until I get my presents. So, in this vein, I’m trying to say that it is always better to give than receive, even if the other person doesn’t really want it.

What I’m talking about are gifts that make you feel good for giving them, but the receiver never wanted.  Call ‘em gag gifts or messages, who cares? You gave, and now you feel better. Continue reading Take it from Snee for Christmas, Hanukah, etc.