The McBournie Minute: Have yourself a merpy little Christmas

Christmas is in the air. Well, that and a strong dose of car exhaust from cars idling in mall parking lots waiting for a space to open up. Yet, for some reason to me it just doesn’t feel like Christmas.

Sure, I can listen to “Blue Christmas” or watch the timeless holiday classic Bad Santa, but where’s the Christmas cheer? Where are the people smiling to each other and wishing a merry Christmas? More importantly, why am I not rushing around to get my holiday shopping done? It just isn’t Christmas because I’m done with my shopping.

I’ve had my own private little Christmas tradition since I have been a productive member of society. I figure out what everyone on my list wants shortly after Thanksgiving, and then I wait until Dec. 23 to buy anything. For some reason this year I didn’t. I’m sorry, America. I went shopping and last week I got everything done. How can you ever trust me after I ruined Christmas? Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Have yourself a merpy little Christmas

Charles Dickens is a huge jerk

We know you’ve been wondering it since you were a child, and the results are in. The answer is no, Oliver Twist would not have needed more gruel, thus asking for more would have been unlikely. Thus, he never would have been kicked out of his orphanage and set on an adventure filled with thieves and murderers eventually coming out on top and being reunited with relatives.

Take that, Dickens!

Just in time for Christmas, scientists figured out that recipes of gruel that have been lying around since the first have of the 1800s actually provided good nutritional value and had a pretty decent serving size. You may know Dickens’ work from his attempt to rob a famous magician of his stage name with his book David Copperfield.

Until recently, Dickens was regarded by historians as the creator of the modern Christmas. As recently as a few years ago, he was given credit for instilling the spirit of giving to others and creating the Victorian version of Christmas that spread throughout the Western world. Today, we know his Christmas books, A Christmas Carol in particular, were nothing more than communist propaganda.

Think about it, an old rich business owner against a worker who demands health benefits and paid vacation. Much less the fact that a welfare state must be created to support Tiny Tim, or the ghosts of Christmas, which are obviously Karl Marx, Friedrich Engels and Vladimir Lenin.

The year they fined Santa

New York is trying to become America’s Christmas hatingest city this year, and from what we have seen, it’s way out in front. Olympia, Washington has nothing on the Big Apple.

Santa Claus was delivering presents in Brooklyn recently, and he found out the hard way that parking laws apply to him, even though he is a seemingly immortal elf who regularly braves animal attacks for our benefit. This time, San Nicolas was operating under the false identity of Chip Cafiero, a “retired schoolteacher.”

On Black Friday, he parking his horse-drawn carriage and an SUV assisting him was double-parked next to the carriage and a traffic cop noticed.

Santa says he yelled “Ho! Ho! Ho!” to get the traffic agent’s attention because the SUV wasn’t blocking traffic. But in his words, “This grinch just went ahead and fined me.”

Sure, it’s nothing like the booing Santa got from Philadelphia Eagles fans during a game in the 60s, but that’s pretty rotten. Santa didn’t have it easy last year, either.

So which is the one giving us hope?

According to the Bible, some time after Jesus Christ was born, three kings came to offer stuff that was shiny and smelled nice. Because of this, Christians set up there own nativity scenes (even though Jesus always looks Eastern European) and one of the three wise men figures is always black.

No one is really sure why there is one black king, but that’s how it’s always been. This year in Naples, it’s U.S. President-elect Barack Obama who is bringing the frankincense to the baby Jesus, joined of course by his wife Michelle. This means that Obama not only one the presidency, but somehow he also unseated Anonymous Sub-Saharan King for the gift giving.

See, conspiracy theorists? Obama isn’t a secret Muslim, he’s one of the first Christians!

When animals attack Christmas

As we all have been aware of for some months now, it’s the Christmas season. And with Christmas always come those who want to destroy Christmas and turn it into a secular holiday. Then there are our enemies the animals, who every year seem to launch an attack. This year is no exception.

This time, the attack happened in New Jersey, and our foes took it up a notch this year, going after Santa Claus himself. Yes, Father Christmas was at a Petsmart in New Jersey to take pictures with pets–because pet owners have way too much free time. Out of nowhere, a bobcat sprang upon Chris Kringle, going under the pseudonym Jonathan Bebbington.

For almost five minutes, the big cat attacked what is probably our greatest symbol of good will. But, Frère Noel was saved, probably by elves or Santa’s helpers. After some concern about having to get rabies shots, the bobcat’s owner came forward. Also, it wasn’t a bobcat, it was a pixie bob, the smaller, more magical breed of big cat.

This holiday season, remember: Your pet will do whatever it can to mess with your holiday joy.

The McBournie Minute: Here’s what you can get me, America

As the holidays creep closer, so does our impending economic doom. Last week we learned that the U.S. has been in a recession since December 2007 (surprise!), and we find more and more people are looking to save money this holiday season.

This is complete and utter crap.

I realize that the economy is the suck right now, some of my friends have even lost their jobs, but let’s not be so hasty and cancel Christmas. For one thing, it is important for you as a member of society to go out and spend money in the coming weeks, because our economy needs it. More importantly, if you know me, it is important you go out and spend money in the coming weeks on gifts for me, because the economy needs it. Spend as much as you like, America. I won’t mind. It’s just the typical selflessness I am known for. This time, I will just single-handedly save the economy. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Here’s what you can get me, America

MasterChugs Theater: ‘Scrooge (1951)’

When it comes to favorite Christmas tales on the screen, there are probably two. There’s no confusion about the first, because there is only one It’s a Wonderful Life. In fact, Frank Capra’s classic is so expertly wrought that no one has even attempted a big screen remake. The second is a little more problematic, because there have been many worthy takes on Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol. Case in point, we’re actually going to take a look at a few of them this month. In 1984, George C. Scott humbugged to memorable effect in a made-for-TV adaptation. Albert Finney sang and danced his way through the title role of 1970’s Scrooge. Even Mr. Magoo, the Muppets, Blackadder, Captain Picard and Mickey Mouse have taken their shots (with varying degrees of success). But widely believed to be the best-loved and most-remembered version of A Christmas Carol has to be the 1951 edition of Scrooge, with the inimitable Alastair Sim as London’s cruelest miser.

Sim, a veteran of British stage and screen, started his motion picture career in the mid-’30s and ended it in the early-’70s. In between, he appeared in over fifty films, but the role that has given him true immortality is that of Scrooge. Sim is not just one of many actors to play the part — for everyone who has seen the crisply-made black-and-white production, he is the definitive Scrooge. Everyone else, from George C. Scott to Bill Murray, is an impostor. Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘Scrooge (1951)’

Take it from Snee: Lightning Round 3 (Hard Thunder)

So we just got through an election and the first half of Thanksgristmas, and that means I had to listen to a lot of stupid. This is the third time we’ve gone through this, so I shouldn’t have to explain it to you.

And if you’re new here, welcome and try not to get your ass in my foot’s way. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Lightning Round 3 (Hard Thunder)

WWJE: What Would Jesus Eat?

Many chocolates claim to be divine, but sadly, they always come up short. Until now.

A German businessman is selling Jesus chocolates he calls “Sweet Lord,” just in time for the holidays Christmas. Shockingly, Protestants and Catholics in Germany are none too pleased by the entrepreneur’s attempt to bring Jesus back to his birthday party.

If you ask us, they’re really missing out on a great way to get people back in the pews on Sundays, at least for Catholics. Instead of giving out bread at communion, give out chocolate Jesuses (Jesi?). It’s still his body you’re eating, right?

Want to order some savior? You can find Jesus here.

Hey, his blood is wine, right?

If there is one potential marketing ploy that is never used, it’s God. No one ever tries to court the Christians in America, despite the fact that they are a huge demographic. Perhaps one day Christmas will be a larger holiday like it deserves to be, until then we must stick to beer.

We turn now to the 27th Great American Beer Festival (held three weeks after the So-So American Beer Festival), in our search for God. There, one entrepreneur is asking, What Would Jesus Brew? At the festival, one could find beers from an old Abbey, He’Brew, a Jewish beer, Genesis Ale, Messiah Bold and even Damnation.

So does this mean drinking on Sunday is OK with God?