Christmas is in the air

We tend to make fun of foreigners a lot, so perhaps it’s time we show the good side of them (aside from the French, they’re bastards).

In Germany, a woman was pulled over for speeding and was understandably upset by getting a ticket for the offense. She was so upset that she began crying. Another woman pulled over for the same reason was moved by first driver’s tears that she paid for the crying woman’s ticket.

And that’s it.

Yeah, you didn’t expect one of those warm, fuzzy, Christmas cheer-type stories, did you?

Take it from Snee for Christmas, Hanukah, etc.

Halloween is less than a week into the ground, which means that it’s already Christmas in the malls and strip clubs of America. (Sure, they say “holidays,” but the only store with blue lights is K-Mart.) Why do they start so early? Because some people actually buy gifts that early. Crazy, I know?

The rest of us wait until the last minute because, well, giving isn’t about me. The only thing I give on a regular occasion is this column. But, as I mentioned before, I’m trying to be a better person … at least until I get my presents. So, in this vein, I’m trying to say that it is always better to give than receive, even if the other person doesn’t really want it.

What I’m talking about are gifts that make you feel good for giving them, but the receiver never wanted.  Call ‘em gag gifts or messages, who cares? You gave, and now you feel better. Continue reading Take it from Snee for Christmas, Hanukah, etc.

Take it from Snee: Dickens couldn’t take this

Not Another Christmas Carole would make a great Wayans movie ... for a Wayans movie.When it comes to movies, I can see where I come across as a bit of a jerk. In the past, I’ve accused Roland Emmerich of international terrorism (twice), Harry Potter movies of insidious Britishness and Michael Bay of not understanding the sounds and shapes that make up the world as we know it.

So, yeah, maybe I’m equal parts film alarmist and snob. And you know what? I’m trying to become a better man.

But, then I have to sit through previews for:

  • Another remake of Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol.
  • Another unsettling motion capture flick from Robert Zemekis.
  • Jim Carrey embracing his inner Eddie Murphy … and Eddie Murphy … and Eddie Murphy.

All in one movie. (F#%k off, self-improvement.)

That’s right, coming this November, the worst elements of modern film, brought to you by the most repetitive actor in comedy and Disney are going to force you to sit through Charles Dickens’ most boring morality tale, yet. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Dickens couldn’t take this

Shine up your jingle bells

With a recession on, Christmas in July is more than just a marketing ploy for retailers out there. It’s not just a way of stirring up business with sales during a really slow month. It’s turning into an attempted extension of the Christmas season. You know who’s behind it? The Santa Claus World Congress.

Apparently, all those Santas get together in Copenhagen, Denmark to reaffirm the importance, well, probably malls and elves and stuff. But this year, the Chris Kringle Congress started off with a wedding. Apparently Nordic people have a thing for the jolly old elf.

Well, we have weddings officiated by Elvis/Darth Vader/Captain Kirk, so who are we to talk?

The McBournie Minute: Have yourself a merpy little Christmas

Christmas is in the air. Well, that and a strong dose of car exhaust from cars idling in mall parking lots waiting for a space to open up. Yet, for some reason to me it just doesn’t feel like Christmas.

Sure, I can listen to “Blue Christmas” or watch the timeless holiday classic Bad Santa, but where’s the Christmas cheer? Where are the people smiling to each other and wishing a merry Christmas? More importantly, why am I not rushing around to get my holiday shopping done? It just isn’t Christmas because I’m done with my shopping.

I’ve had my own private little Christmas tradition since I have been a productive member of society. I figure out what everyone on my list wants shortly after Thanksgiving, and then I wait until Dec. 23 to buy anything. For some reason this year I didn’t. I’m sorry, America. I went shopping and last week I got everything done. How can you ever trust me after I ruined Christmas? Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Have yourself a merpy little Christmas

Charles Dickens is a huge jerk

We know you’ve been wondering it since you were a child, and the results are in. The answer is no, Oliver Twist would not have needed more gruel, thus asking for more would have been unlikely. Thus, he never would have been kicked out of his orphanage and set on an adventure filled with thieves and murderers eventually coming out on top and being reunited with relatives.

Take that, Dickens!

Just in time for Christmas, scientists figured out that recipes of gruel that have been lying around since the first have of the 1800s actually provided good nutritional value and had a pretty decent serving size. You may know Dickens’ work from his attempt to rob a famous magician of his stage name with his book David Copperfield.

Until recently, Dickens was regarded by historians as the creator of the modern Christmas. As recently as a few years ago, he was given credit for instilling the spirit of giving to others and creating the Victorian version of Christmas that spread throughout the Western world. Today, we know his Christmas books, A Christmas Carol in particular, were nothing more than communist propaganda.

Think about it, an old rich business owner against a worker who demands health benefits and paid vacation. Much less the fact that a welfare state must be created to support Tiny Tim, or the ghosts of Christmas, which are obviously Karl Marx, Friedrich Engels and Vladimir Lenin.

The year they fined Santa

New York is trying to become America’s Christmas hatingest city this year, and from what we have seen, it’s way out in front. Olympia, Washington has nothing on the Big Apple.

Santa Claus was delivering presents in Brooklyn recently, and he found out the hard way that parking laws apply to him, even though he is a seemingly immortal elf who regularly braves animal attacks for our benefit. This time, San Nicolas was operating under the false identity of Chip Cafiero, a “retired schoolteacher.”

On Black Friday, he parking his horse-drawn carriage and an SUV assisting him was double-parked next to the carriage and a traffic cop noticed.

Santa says he yelled “Ho! Ho! Ho!” to get the traffic agent’s attention because the SUV wasn’t blocking traffic. But in his words, “This grinch just went ahead and fined me.”

Sure, it’s nothing like the booing Santa got from Philadelphia Eagles fans during a game in the 60s, but that’s pretty rotten. Santa didn’t have it easy last year, either.

So which is the one giving us hope?

According to the Bible, some time after Jesus Christ was born, three kings came to offer stuff that was shiny and smelled nice. Because of this, Christians set up there own nativity scenes (even though Jesus always looks Eastern European) and one of the three wise men figures is always black.

No one is really sure why there is one black king, but that’s how it’s always been. This year in Naples, it’s U.S. President-elect Barack Obama who is bringing the frankincense to the baby Jesus, joined of course by his wife Michelle. This means that Obama not only one the presidency, but somehow he also unseated Anonymous Sub-Saharan King for the gift giving.

See, conspiracy theorists? Obama isn’t a secret Muslim, he’s one of the first Christians!

When animals attack Christmas

As we all have been aware of for some months now, it’s the Christmas season. And with Christmas always come those who want to destroy Christmas and turn it into a secular holiday. Then there are our enemies the animals, who every year seem to launch an attack. This year is no exception.

This time, the attack happened in New Jersey, and our foes took it up a notch this year, going after Santa Claus himself. Yes, Father Christmas was at a Petsmart in New Jersey to take pictures with pets–because pet owners have way too much free time. Out of nowhere, a bobcat sprang upon Chris Kringle, going under the pseudonym Jonathan Bebbington.

For almost five minutes, the big cat attacked what is probably our greatest symbol of good will. But, Frère Noel was saved, probably by elves or Santa’s helpers. After some concern about having to get rabies shots, the bobcat’s owner came forward. Also, it wasn’t a bobcat, it was a pixie bob, the smaller, more magical breed of big cat.

This holiday season, remember: Your pet will do whatever it can to mess with your holiday joy.

The McBournie Minute: Here’s what you can get me, America

As the holidays creep closer, so does our impending economic doom. Last week we learned that the U.S. has been in a recession since December 2007 (surprise!), and we find more and more people are looking to save money this holiday season.

This is complete and utter crap.

I realize that the economy is the suck right now, some of my friends have even lost their jobs, but let’s not be so hasty and cancel Christmas. For one thing, it is important for you as a member of society to go out and spend money in the coming weeks, because our economy needs it. More importantly, if you know me, it is important you go out and spend money in the coming weeks on gifts for me, because the economy needs it. Spend as much as you like, America. I won’t mind. It’s just the typical selflessness I am known for. This time, I will just single-handedly save the economy. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Here’s what you can get me, America