Nothing like the death of a legally embattled brother to bring a family together and have a show about the other siblings! Makes you wonder if the Jacksons actually plan these things out, plotting at Chuck-E-Cheese family reuninons.
Tag: Chuck E. Cheese
SOS: Save Our Sex (films)!
OK, things were kind of bad before when the Big Three U.S. automakers almost shut down. Also, when our banks started to collapse, we got a little worried. To be honest, the idea of loans companies collapsing made us think of Fight Club, so we got distracted by … well, we’re not allowed talk about that.
But we are absolutely, pants-ruining (and not the good way … unless you’re into that) terrified now: the porn industry has asked for a bailout.
Pornographer Larry Flint (mad props, sir) and Douchebag Joe Francis have released a combined press statement that the industry is fine for now, but could go under at any moment in the current financial climate. This could be prevented by giving them $5 billion.
Imagine your life without porn:
- Taking shorter lunch breaks at work.
- Using your iPhone for phone calls.
- Spending more time with your family instead of sending them off to Chuck E. Cheese without you.
Are you terrified now? Good!
Write your congressperson and make sure this necessary Stimulus Stimulus Package passes!
Getting your back will cost extra tokens
False idols are everywhere. You can look for them high, you can look for them low, and no matter what, you’ll probably find them. Whether they’re Plaxico Burress, Elvis Presley, the Mighty Morphin’ Power Ranger, Kermit D. Frog or Stewie from Family Guy, if you’re following one, you’re probably a sheep that may or may not need to be culled. Still, hard feelings or resentment aside, we should all be able to agree on one thing–large anthropomorphic animals should never be made idols.
Unfortunately, there’s a chain of temples devoted to one such false idol. Double unfortunate is that these locations are often nothing more than a hotbed of violence. This false idol’s name? Chuck E. Cheese.
Mock me now, but it’s true. A string of wanton violence has begun appearing at Chuck E. Cheese’s all over the nation. Laugh all you want (Lord knows I did when I first saw the headline, thus knowing it must be our Headline of the Day), but you cannot deny the truth-scary things happen at a place where “a kid can be a kid.” For example, a six-year-old was approached by a woman in her thirties while he was playing a game. As he attempted to insert more tokens into the machine and continue playing, the woman confiscated his tokens and told him to let other people play. The boy naturally informed his mother, who was then screamed at by the token-thief before a thirty-something male grabbed the 26-year-old mother by the throat and slammed her into the video-game machine.
This is just why we cannot harbor such clear species traitorism. How can we live in peace when followers of a giant animal obviously cannot? Oh yeah, another good idea-probably not serving booze at a place for children. I’m just saying, is all.