Chuck Norris to join Slovakia and Austria, no survivors expected

Ever wonder where all those Chuck Norris jokes went after the Internet was finished with them? Eastern Europe. And once a meme goes Eastern European, it doesn’t matter how hard Blizzard (makers of World of Warcraft) tries to bring them back — you don’t want it.

That said, would the Slovaks please, please, please take our “How [blank] sees [blank] …” meme? We’ll throw in Caturday in exchange for some of your finest avant-garde movie posters.

Warrior of the Week: Greg LeNoir

It’s not easy being lonely. I mean, life can be pretty weird if you’re single. It’s probably even worse for those that are married. One might think initially that with all the time that you and your significant other spend together, that you wouldn’t be lonely in the slightest. Au contraire, brown bear. Perhaps that’s how it is in the beginning, but once the years start to mount up, being lonely is all that one can do to not kill each other. At least, that’s what I hear.

So, it’s understandable that when the life of whatever may be closest to Greg LeNoir is threatened, he takes action. If what is closest to him is his prized toy rat terrier, then it’s kind of weird, but still understandable. If the action that must be taken requires him to kick logic to the curb, stick to his crazy guns and punch a shark in the face to save the dog, then it’s not understandable. No, it’s seven shades of bad-ass.

That’s right-Greg LeNoir of Florida, a mile mannered carpenter, jumped into the water to save his toy dog. Using his hardened and callused hands of power, he punched the shark over and over until it gave him back what was his. There have been only two people in history beforehand to have taken it to sharks in such a manner-Chuck Norris and Batman.

If LeNoir was fighting a ghost shark, then he clearly wouldn’t have been afraid of no gho-wait. Just hold on a minute. What do you mean that “the dog was real”? Wait, so he risked his life to save an animal from another animal? But it looks so not alive. I mean, that dog looks like it’s stuffed five ways to Sunday.

Aw man, I just don’t know what to think anymore.

How To: Defend yourself

Eventually, somebody somewhere will want to kick your ass. Maybe it’s because you flashed a wad of twenties in New York City, or perhaps because you were sure that rape jokes are always funny (especially if you read this blog regularly). In any case, you need to be prepared to fend off attacks, which is why The Guys will teach you how to defend yourself.

Continue reading How To: Defend yourself

Point/Counterpoint: The end of Hillary?

OK, so everybody in the world online has their own theories as to whether Hillary Clinton’s presidential campaign is deader than AIDS research.  Of course, many of these opinions are biased by either support of Barack Obama or their dad who hates Mrs. Clinton.

To this point, nobody has been able to pinpoint one exact moment when she should have gone whereever Geraldine Ferraro cries off public-lashings.  Until now: a Hillary Tall Tale Generator is up on Something Awful.

Is this automated list of tall tales, and subsequent gaming jokes, the death blow to her campaign?

Point: Nobody cares about Vin Diesel anymore.  Is he still alive?  Mr. Diesel: cough once for yes, make a sequel to The Chronicles of Riddick for no.

Counterpoint: Chuck Norris became a deciding factor in the Republican primaries … until Republicans woke up from that 12-week Mai Tai bender with a Mike Huckabee tattoo.  Still, nobody has challenged Mr. Norris to a celebrity boxing match, so his career isn’t dead.

What say you, SeriouslyReaders?  Share your points, counterpoints and Vin Diesel jokes in the comments!