Yesterday, we learned about Swedish semen. Today, we explore Finish butts.
Somehow, it made the news that some parishioners at a Lutheran church in Loviisa, Finland, have been left high and not-so-dry after green paint on the pews stained their Sunday’s finest. But, that’s not all: dozens of butt prints were left in the seats after a recent concert.
There’s no word whether the church will repaint the seats or leave them so congregants can measure their expanding asses over the next several decades. And amazingly, not a single Jesus or Mary was spotted.
Some people out there would balk at a plan to burn a heap of Korans on September 11. Not I. I don’t know how to balk. I once thought I balked, but everyone agreed that it was nothing like a balk and I most likely mistook caulking for the act I intended.
The point is: desecrating the holy scripture of the guys we’re too afraid to put in regular prison isn’t just OK; it’s the greatest idea that anyone–much less a Floridian—could ever think up. (Seriously, did Terry Jones hire a consultant?)
It is high time that a small group of Americans act on behalf of all of us and stick it to some non-believers. Hit the jump, and let’s light this trashcan full of Good News. Continue reading Take it from Snee: America steps it up
The Vatican posted a new set of rules on its Web site today for how to handle pedophile cases. Apparently, the rule now is to report them to the police.
The quick response–a mere two weeks after reports started turning up in the news concerning Pope Benedict’s wild and heady days as a young archbishop–stunned critics as the Church normally embraces new ideas, like our heliocentric solar system, once every 500 years.
And just to drive the point home about forgiveness, the Vatican followed up this announcement with another one forgiving The Beatles.
Pope Benedict XVI has asked Catholic ministers and priests to use the Internet to spread the gospel. Ben (and only we are allowed to call him that) cited the Church’s adoption of other media like books, television and weekly wine tastings as justification to moving online.
We can see a couple of flaws to this plan:
- The priests who are already Web savvy are also already on Chris Hansen’s watchlist.
- The priests who aren’t online will have trouble setting up blogs and Web sites since they never had children to do it for them. (This is also why the clergy doesn’t use DVRs and their clocks always read “88:88.”)
Still, we think His Holiness is on the right track and welcome him and his brethren to the ’90s.
You know who’s been quiet in the War on Animals? God. That’s who. Sure, he created the animals and gave us domain over them, but what does he think now that they are trying to overrun us?
We’re still waiting for the Big Guy to open up the heavens and root us on, but until then, we are convinced he’s on our side. Unfortunately, the species traitors think he’s on their side, too. One church in Austin, Texas (figures) is even inviting dogs, man’s alleged best friend, to worship with their owners.
We all know that keep a pet is perfectly acceptable. They are servants and let us learn about our enemy. But bringing them to church is wrong. Animals have no soul, have no concept of a higher being, and cannot get into heaven, no matter what the movies might say. Dogs attending our services just gives the false notion that we can work this war out.
It’s not that simple.
Ever fall asleep at church cause your sermons don’t involve sex? Well apparently the one church that wanted to spice up your bedroom is being told to tone it down.
Is that a scroll in your robe, or were you just happy to read this?
We at SG are usually nonplussed about religion and any wacky aspects that people infer in their daily lives. I mean, ultimately, religion is a can of worms that we just don’t want to get into.
But really Sweden? A religion dedicated to worshiping le petit mort? I mean, hasn’t that type of thought gotten your churches into enough trouble already? (Link is most probably NOT SAFE FOR WORK)
Oh, Sweden. We may only hear from you but every few months, but when we do, how you entertain us. For example ….
A Swedish minister has resigned from his parish after infecting the network with viruses … while surfing for porn. Considering that he only got away with a resigning, we can say that God is definitely a New Testament God rather than an Old Testament God.
Despite infecting the church’s IT system with a nasty case of Internet-phyllis, he still ranks higher in the “I’m a better dude than you” hierarchy than your stereotypical Catholic priest. Idle hands, gents.
The world is coming to an end. I know this, because a pamphlet stuck under my windshield wiper told me so. Someone came along to long term parking at Thurgood Marshall Baltimore-Washington International Airport and left it there.
The pamphlet was, oddly enough, from someone who started his own church, or sect, or splinter group, because no one would believe him. We know of course this means he is right, because only crazy people belong to churches of millions. I can’t tell you what his name is, or what his church’s name is, because I balled the pamphlet up and threw it away, but I do know that we are all going to die and it is going to happen very, very soon. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: The end is near
In an effort apparently to cut down on food costs and American obesity, Cathedral of Faith Church of God in Christ (yikes, that’s a mouthful) is offering drive-through prayers. And you thought your church was weird.
Rev. Chris Martin (not of Coldplay) said that the best thing about their project was taking the church “to the streets.” That’s right folks, Cathedral of Faith Church of God in Christ is the Thug Life of the Christian community.