Friday Numbers Game!

As we count the hours to Happy Hour, let’s look at other numbers in the news today.

A senior U.S. official took exception to the claim that CIA drone attacks in Pakistan killed around 2,000 militants (hooray!) and 168 children (boo!). The numbers come from a report released by the London-based Bureau of Investigative Journalism. The official agreed with the militant death count, but found it hard to believe that the drones only killed 168 kids, who are slower, dumber and attracted to flying robots.

And, speaking of the UK, at least 1,700 suspects have been arrested in connection with rioting that began in Tottenham and spread wherever stores still had iPads. Scotland Yard said “that number is changing all the time,” which has led Parliament to authorize prospecting for a New Australia.

Wikileaks finally becomes useful

Fun fact: if you don’t assume every industrialized nation has a spy agency, then you’re a bit naïve.

The Sydney Morning Herald is reporting a Wikileaks revelation that Japan is indeed using an intelligence agency to spy and keep an eye on North Korea and China.

Apparently the intelligence agency has been in effect since 2008, moving slowly forward for fear of political repercussions. Also, because of the whole spy thing. According to the Japanese embassy, progress has also been slow because of a lack of “knowledge, experience, and assets/officers.” Again, also because of the whole spy thing. The agency is being modeled on the American CIA, the Australian Secret Intelligence, and Britain’s MI6. And once more, again, because of the whole spy thing.

One of the primary concerns for Japan was their lack of intelligence regarding the actions of Kim Jong-Il, and rightfully so. Between militaristic threats from the country and suspicious missile testing, Japan is justified in their worry.

What Wikileaks hasn’t revealed yet is just what the weapon cache that the spy ninjas are using. Because their spies are TOTALLY ninjas.

Keep your friends list close, your blocked list even closer

Have you ever wondered what a “social media guru” or “expert” does? As far as we can tell, they follow random people on Twitter and post links to buzzspeak essays by other (presumably) unemployed “SEO managers.”

Or … they could be The Fuzz!

Police, FBI, Secret Service and even the IRS are infiltrating the MySpace, Facebook and–in extreme cases–the Friendster to find the goods on you. To bypass your security settings, they’re setting up undercover identities, asking to become part of your online menagerie of familiar screen names.

Once they’re in, you’ll probably forget all about them, like that guy you met that one time at that place with the shots served in test tubes. (Quickest abortion turnaround time, yet!) And then they watch for any pictures of illegal activity or status changes that conflict with your alibis.

So, next time you get a friend request, ask them, “Are you a cop?” If they say no, then they’re probably lying because they’re undercover, so you should destroy your computer.

Reunited and it doesn’t feel so good

Do you miss the Cold War? We know Russia does, we can guess the CIA does, and now we can say that 1/7 of Germany misses it too.

A recent survey found that about 15% of Germans want the Berlin Wall back in place, because they were better off when it was still standing in 1989 than they are now. The West is upset about spending so much to rebuild the East, and the East just missed having someone beat them up all the time.

And in the end, we’ve got Dick

We already know that Dick Cheney really likes torture. What we didn’t know, until alleged by Senator Dianne Feinstein (D-Calif.) on July 12, is that he didn’t want to share any of the sweet, sweet waterboarding with Congress.

Feinstein, who chairs the Senate Intelligence Committee, said that CIA Director Leon Panetta was ordered by then-Vice President Cheney to not disclose the use of abusive interrogation techniques to the official oversight panel for intelligence-gathering.

So, if you’re looking for anyone to blame for U.S. torture, Cheney wants you to know that it was all him, none for you, get your own imported foreign nationals to erotically manpile.


Still-president George Bush has granted $17.4 billion to GM and Chrysler. Ford was apparently told to suck it. (The Bushman is a huge fan of Degeneration X.)

To thank us, the taxpayers who funded their bailout, GM and Chrysler executives have announced that we will all receive a brand new 2009 Corvette.

That’s one for all 301,139,247* of us. To be fair, though, only 242,677,887 of us — at most — are eligible to drive it.

*Source: The CIA World Factbook, December 18, 2008.

Administration still hopes to kill bin Laden

It’s a countdown to January 20th for Osama bin Laden, the bearded mastermind behind such tapes as:

  • “Die, you yankee infidel scum!”
  • “You are all fat and I hope you die, Americans!”
  • “Hey, is anyone still hunting for me? Well … you’ll never catch me because I’m like the wind, baby!”
  • “America, you suck.”

He is apparently still alive and living in seclusion from his posse, al Qaeda. After eight solid years of carpetbombing by U.S. armed forces, they finally voted him out of the terrorist organization.

The CIA believes he’s out there, somewhere in the vincinity of the Pakistan-Afghanistan border, still carrying his extinguished tiki torch and waiting for that lucrative sitcom or book deal.

Some intelligence experts believe that the CIA is in a race against time, trying to kill bin Laden before President Bush leaves office. Unfortunately, those experts also forget that CIA operatives are salaried government employees who can’t get fired even if you really want them to.

BFF: Let’s bomb Iran

Over the past eight years, we’ve learned a little something about our intelligence agencies: they’re behind the times and often inept.

Well, worry no more! The CIA, FBI and 14 other intelligence agencies are using an online social network called A-Space to share their intelligence ideas. It’s modeled after Facebook and Myspace, which are known throughout the Internet for their security and validity of ideas.

“Instead of posting thoughts about the new Avenged Sevenfold album or Jessica Alba movie, CIA analysts could use A-Space to share information and opinion about al Qaeda movements in the Middle East or Russian naval maneuvers in the Black Sea.”

Sleep easy, America. Our next intelligence issues are going to be settled by that attention whore in the NSA who has 1,000 friends (and near topless pictures!). Or maybe some Secret Service crank whose ex-girlfriend suddenly has ties to Hamas.

How To: Tell if a celebrity is really a spy

We found out recently that while chef Julia Child was showing her chops as a cook, she was leading a secret double life, cooking up how to defeat the Nazis. Yes, Julia Child is among several nearly-or-almost-dead famous people who were part of the U.S. Office of Strategic Services, the pre-CIA.

We found out in his autobiography that Gong Show creator and host Chuck Barris was a CIA operative, even while he was on the show (something which has never truly been confirmed or denied). This raises the question: who among our current celebrities is involved in covert operations? That’s why The Guys bring you how to tell if a celebrity is really a spy. Continue reading How To: Tell if a celebrity is really a spy

How To: Develop a conspiracy theory

Did you know that there was/maybe still is a fully-functional Michael Jordan robot? Of course you didn’t, because The Man® doesn’t want you to know The TruthTM!

(Don’t believe them when They say you can’t handle it.)

We can all enjoy a good conspiracy theory like the one I just mentioned, but how do you create and hone your own? And what do you do about all those naysayers and CIA agents that try to discredit you?

To answer these questions and more, keep reading to find out how to develop a conspiracy theory. Continue reading How To: Develop a conspiracy theory