Well look who finally got on the “this year sucked” train. I’ve been doing this for years, everyone just finally caught up. I have a theory that 2016 was the Rapture. Everyone you love who was good is gone. Now we’re just in a hollow wasteland, and there’s the devil about. Either that, or we’re old enough that famous people we’ve heard of are starting to die off. This year was a lot like 1941 — we all knew there was conflict, and the headlines were really interesting, then an awful day toward the end of year made nothing feel the same again. This was indeed the worst year yet. Kim Kardashian had something bad happen to her for once. We cheered for sad sack teams. The Supreme Court became an octet. We held a months-long funeral for a gorilla we’d never heard of. We bought some Cuban cigars. We stood really still in videos. Let’s do to 2016 what it did to a lot of famous people, shall we?
Let freedom wear a c@#k ring
The armed hicks occupying a tiny federal office building at a remote Oregon wildlife sanctuary complained in a video that people keep sending them sex toys, including a whole bunch of dildos. The group made an appeal to “real patriots” to send them supplies, as they were so busy packing their guns they forgot to bring food and water for their camping trip. America responded by sending them plastic penises, which is a phrase I’ve waited to write my whole life. Upon hearing the news, Cards Against Humanity co-founder Max Temkin, really, sent the occupiers a 55-gallon barrel of lube.
Blowing up the airwaves
North Korea said it successfully tested a hydrogen bomb, but experts weren’t so sure it worked. In any case, the test marked another act of defiance of international sanctions. In response, South Korea set up loudspeakers along the border and began blasting K-pop. These two countries are like feuding neighbors in an apartment building. One keeps making the floor shake with loud thumps, so the other cranks their music, in this case, Psy.
From Mexico with love
After capturing escaped drug lord El Chapo, Mexican authorities published his text messages on his phone. Many were shocked not only to see that he was in contact with Mexican actress Kate del Castillo, but that his texts were quite romantic. He told her, “I’ll care for you more than my own eyes,” and even suggested having her meet his mother. Maybe we’ve got these guys all wrong. We just need to help these drug cartels find love and they’ll stop massacring entire towns. Continue reading →
Late night talk shows have to have celebrity gimmicks now. They’re all doing games with celebrities, or singing in cars with celebrities, or doing fake singing competitions with celebrities. These things are funny once or twice, but after a while the shows lean on them like a crutch. I don’t know, I’m a sucker for comedy writing. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but maybe Jay Leno wasn’t so bad. If you were busy waiting to go see a Star Wars movie that’s about Star Wars but not one of the real, numbered Star Wars movies this week, odds are you missed it.
Report: Trump was right about the election being rigged
This week, the FBI backed a CIA report that Russia hacked the U.S. presidential election in favor of a Trump victory. It’s also been reported that Russian President Vladimir Putin was involved in the decision to hack. But Republicans have decided it’s not a concern, as they cannot find a way to blame Hillary Clinton for it, yet.
Stocking the Cabinet
President-elect Donald Trump announced that he will nominate former Texas Gov. Rick Perry to head the Department of Energy, or as Perry calls it, “The uh, ummmm, the–I can’t, oops.” Trump also nominated ExxonMobil CEO Rex Tillerson, a friend of Putin, for secretary of state, rejecting a CIA report claiming Tillerson had been hacked by the Russians.
Optimism is overrated
And finally, a new report this week found that trying to always find the silver lining when things don’t go your way could actually bad for you. If that’s the case, 2016 has been a landmark year in mental health.
Keeping America safe isn’t easy. Sometimes there are training exercises, and sometimes those training exercises accidentally leave explosives on a school bus.
In Virginia, the CIA borrowed a school bus from Loudon County Public Schools to train bomb-sniffing dogs while the kiddies were on spring break. Unfortunately the CIA forgot to take their bomb stuff with them. Inert explosives were found under the hood of the bus while it was undergoing some maintenance. (“Inert” means the explosives weren’t able to blow up.)
“The CIA left explosives on my school bus” has to be the most D.C. reason to stay home from school.
Welcome back to the internet. Not you, I was talking to myself. During the holiday break, I did my best to avoid it, but I mostly focused on avoiding the news. I did a pretty good job, too. There was plenty of TV to watch and friends and family to interact with, and it seemed like everyone was on a week-long bender. Why not join them?
But despite my best efforts, some headlines still snuck into my awareness. I’d say it’s mostly because of social media and the various newsreader apps I have on my phone. This lead me to largely just read headlines and move on. Not only did this save me a lot of stress, it also kept me free to make some snap judgments on the headlines I saw.
Let’s take a look at what happened in my feed while we were out and my hot takes, in as best chronological order as I can remember. Whatever. Continue reading →
We’ve reached the end of the year. I know, I didn’t think we’d make it, either. We found new reasons every day to get mad at each other online. We dumped ice water over our heads so we didn’t have to donate to charity, and felt good about it. We allowed Taylor Swift back into our lives. We voted out a bunch of Democrats because of Ebola. We watched Vladimir Putin close the Winter Olympics with the ceremonial invasion of Ukraine. In a year this dismal, one can feel lost. When I start feeling that way, I just ask myself, “What would Ernest Hemingway do?” Then I get rip-roaring drunk and forget the question. So pour yourself a glass and let’s do this.
At least she was clothed
Lena Dunham (of course we’re starting with her) was on the cover of Vogue magazine in January, and not in an ironic way. It got all the lady bloggers of all the internets upset, too, because her picture was clearly touched up. The Girls creator has touted herself as an example of what real people look like, and the photo betrayed all that, they said. In other news, Dunham was given an award for best magazine cover ever.
Let your bowels take a vacation
It was not a good month to be on a boat. First, a Royal Caribbean cruise ship had to cut its tour short because some 700 crew and passengers got sick. Then, a Princess cruise ship had a similar outbreak. We’re not talking about a head cold going around on the ship–it was the norovirus. A sizable amount of people were enjoying their vacations either in their cabin bathrooms without ventilation, or heaving over the side. They say bad things come in threes, but sadly the Bud Light cruise ship at the Super Bowl wasn’t affected.
In case you’re not sick of him already Justin Bieber was arrested after police said he was drag racing in Miami while drunk and high, which is probably how everyone else in Miami drives in the first place. Bieber reportedly cried when he got arrested, and compared himself to Michael Jackson after posting bail. Between him and Toronto Mayor Rob Ford, it’s nice to see that Canadians can be just as big asses as Americans. Continue reading →
I’m calling it: this summer sucks. Sure, it’s just barely turned August, but for the most part, the best part of the summer had passed us by. What do we have to show for it? The box office sucked (two Hercules movies?), few movies have lived up to their hype, the biggest album of the summer was released by “Weird” Al Yankovic, and we haven’t even had any good natural disasters. Plus, you know, everything’s blowing up overseas. If you were busy getting caught in a sharknado this week, odds are you missed it.
This week, a blazing hot feud boiled over against the backdrop of a fiery Spanish night club. It’s bad blood that’s got a long history, and we finally got to see it become more than a war of words, it was … Orlando Bloom and Justin Bieber? An onlooker’s video shows the two having words before Bloom goes to punch or slap Biebs, only to get blocked by a bodyguard. No one’s quite sure what the whole thing was about, but the world quickly condemned Bieber for making them support Orlando Bloom in anything.
Central Intelligence Agency Director John Brennan apologized to senators during a hearing for hacking into lawmakers’ computers to monitor and remove files on their investigation into CIA’s torturing of terrorists. He said he was sorry and embarrassed that the hackers had gone that far, adding, “But it’s still cool if we do that to ordinary Americans every day, right?”
Madhouse for sale
It was announced this week that Michael Jackson’s estate will have to sell the singer’s iconic Neverland Ranch because of soaring debt. The complex requires a lot of upkeep, and it’s just too expensive for a dead guy to pay for, even if he did make millions last year. The place has 22 buildings in all, and they say that late at night you can still hear ghost of Bobo shuffling down the hallways.
You guys, Kelsey Grammer may be on Twitter to correct your grammar, but the CIA is on it just to make you laugh. Because that’s what good spies do. (All of our knowledge about spying is based on episodes of Get Smart.)
The CIA joined Twitter just one month ago with the yuck-inducer, “We can neither confirm nor deny that this is our first tweet.” And to celebrate a month on the site without accidentally sending out dong pics, it tweeted this gem:
Before we get started, this may end up being the last You Missed It you see for a bit. I’m getting married next weekend, and leading up to that I will almost certainly not have time to tell you all about the news you failed to read. That’s too bad, because I was really looking forward to coming up with fresh soccer jokes. Maybe someone will cover for me next week, maybe they won’t. If you were busy winning a lawsuit for the use of your song in a commercial this week, odds are you missed it.
Germany has lost its mind for soccer
If you’re reading this, there’s a solid chance you’re an American, and thus, aren’t really familiar with the World Cup traditions. Apparently, national teams usually have a slogan and ad campaign going into the tourney to get their home country fired up. (The U.S. team’s slogan: “Thanks For Letting Us Play in a Game, You Guys.”) This year, Germany’s is about each player giving his heart for “the cause,” which never sounds good coming from Germans. Adidas’ campaign for Germany features players holding out hearts–actual cow hearts–as an offering. Guys, we need to keep a close eye on the Gerrys.
It’s enough to drive you to drink
Folks, are you sitting down? Good. I’ve got some bad news for you. Maybe you should pour yourself a drink first. If that drink you poured is whiskey, you’d better enjoy it, because there’s a national whiskey shortage right now. According to the Distilled Spirits Council, whiskey consumption has grown in the U.S., and distilleries are having trouble keeping up with demand. Best of luck to you all in surviving the upcoming riots.
This week, the CIA joined Twitter and tweeted out its first tweet. Now it will be a lot easier to tell if spies are following you.
The CIA has starting dispensing secrets out of nowhere. First, they admitted that Area 51 really is a thing. Then, they confessed to spying on Noam Chomsky, but only because his name sounds like former General Secretary of the Central Committee of the Communist Party of the Soviet Union Leonid Brezhnev’s sexting alias.
Now, they’ve acknowledged that, yes, they did take part in the 1953 Iran coup against left-leaning Prime Minister Mohammed Mosaddegh, replacing their democratically elected leader with an autocratic Shah and a foreign council of oil tycoons. Or, in other words, why Iran really, really hates us. (Turns out it wasn’t for “our freedom.”)
So, why tell us all this now? Is the CIA dying of cancer and now they’re trying to get into Administrative Heaven? Did they open a eerily specific fortune cookie that restored their childlike sense of wonder and honesty? Or, are they telling us all this so that they can finally kill us after years of teasing us about it?
As we count the hours to Happy Hour, let’s look at other numbers in the news today.
A senior U.S. official took exception to the claim that CIA drone attacks in Pakistan killed around 2,000 militants (hooray!) and 168 children (boo!). The numbers come from a report released by the London-based Bureau of Investigative Journalism. The official agreed with the militant death count, but found it hard to believe that the drones only killed 168 kids, who are slower, dumber and attracted to flying robots.
And, speaking of the UK, at least 1,700 suspects have been arrested in connection with rioting that began in Tottenham and spread wherever stores still had iPads. Scotland Yard said “that number is changing all the time,” which has led Parliament to authorize prospecting for a New Australia.