Ah, the life of a tobacco baron …

Those new graphic cigarette warnings from the FDA are being challenged in court. Five tobacco companies have sued the federal government on a First Amendment basis, claiming that the new warnings infringe on their right to not explain what their products can do to a person’s body.

Sure, they’re a legal product. So’s Listerine, and Listerine helpfully tells you what number to call if you chug an entire bottle (… by accident) right there on the damn bottle.

Online cig retailers can’t quit cold turkey

The FDA sent out a warning letter to 14 online companies that are breaking new cigarette laws, which indicates that the FDA may be a UN organization. The companies received the written hand-wringing for continuing to sell flavored cigarettes.

Flavored cigarettes violate the Tobacco Control Act, which was signed into law by President Obama in June. Candy, fruit and herb-flavored cigarettes were outlawed because the FDA believes they entice children and teens who want to look older, but can no longer associate original flavors with cartoon characters.

So, if you want to sell cigarettes, flavors are not OK, unless those flavors are:

  • Menthol
  • Burnt baby diapers

Anything else would be unnatural.

Ah, the *old* fight about smoking

If there’s one group more discriminated against than tattooed people, it’s smokers.

Smokers are steadily getting up in arms — once they catch their breath — and speaking out against the new federal cigarette tax hike. The increased tax requires tobacco compaines to pay the U.S. government an additional 61.6 cents for every pack sold, effectively raising the price of a carton by $6.16.

Most of the complaints come, of course, from elderly people who have either beaten the odds of contracting — or continue to smoke in spite of — health problems.

They’re responding in typical old-personly-fashion: by boring young reporters to death …

“Larry Jukes said he remembers when he could buy 10 cigarette packs for $2.50.”

… and through guilt …

“‘I think it’s ridiculous. … They’re picking on smokers,’ [83-year-old Gloria] Egger said at the Denver store, where she bought two cartons Tuesday. ‘I think they’re trying to run the tobacco companies out of business.'”

… and by making vague, impotent threats to “them.”

“‘As old as I am, I’m not going to quit smoking, regardless of what they do,'” Egger said.

What will President Obama, a smoker who signed the tax into law, do?