Tag: cigarettes

Ask Dr. Snee: Contagious cancer can kill you

(Bonus: +4 xp for alliteration)

Sorry about the long sabbatical since my last house call. I’ve been on the road since May, following the Mamma Mia! tour across America.

Before you judge me (lest ye be judged for judging), I only watch Mamma Mia! because of the hot chicks in it, like Christine Baranski.

Also, I’ve found that any movie with an exclamation point in its title is guaranteed to be awesome:

  • Airplane!
  • Top Secret!
  • Yentil!

So, to clarify: unconditional love for anything Abba-related does not make me gay. My man-crush on Pierce Brosnan, however, does.

Anyway, on to your important medical quer — uh, questions.

Dear Dr. Snee,

I’ve heard you claim that cancer is contagious. Who told you that? They should be shot.

Self-righteously,

MoSane (a.k.a. ClippershipPat)

I agree completely: Continue reading Ask Dr. Snee: Contagious cancer can kill you

Today in the U.S. judicial system

Good afternoon, and welcome to the latest edition of Today in the U.S. Judicial System. Your hosts, the right honorable Guys, are presiding.

And what a day to preside over the landmark cases of our era, especially when compared to the important cases of yester-year: Brown v. Board of Education, Roe v. Wade, The People v. Larry Flint …. It is awe-inspiring to see this process shape our lives again today.

Jesus Christ! (No, over there!)

First, the Supreme Court refused to hear a case and so upheld the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals’ decision to  allow states to sell anti-abortion license plates to citizens whose faith cannot be adequately expressed by Jesus fish, dashboard saviors, rear-view crucifixes and John 3:16 written in soap across the rear windshield.

A cigarette by any other name …

Next up, they threw their support behind tobacco companies being harassed with lawsuits by people who can’t hold their light and low-tar cigarette smoke. They only heard opening arguments today, in which the plantiffs argued that smokers of the diet cigarettes were forced to take longer drags/smoke more cigarettes than when they smoked harsher brands.

The tobacco companies’ counterargument consisting of pointing to the light cigarettes and saying, “As you can see, your honors, it’s a cigarette.”

The court then adjourned for a five minute break in the parking lot for their fix of that smooth Winston flavor.

Rather smoke Reds than dead

The latest health crisis to hit our elementary schools? Flavored cigarettes.

With menthol no longer moving cartons, tobacco companies are luring in new smokers with flavors like cocoa, honey, vanilla and licorice. Doesn’t sound too bad, right?

Think again.

When you burn cocoa, it turns into bromine gas, which will kill you!*

The moral of this story is simple, parents: when you put your kids on cigarettes, for diet and/or self-esteem reasons, make sure it’s a good clean American smoke.

Stay away from the fruity flavors; they’re counterproductive, anyway, if your kid’s trying to look cool.

*Very slowly because it “dilates and anesthetizes the lungs, maximizing their absorption of smoke and nicotine.”

‘Water lines’ are only the beginning

A dermatologist in Washington, DC has uncovered the latest threat to women everywhere: water lips. Specifically, Dr. Merliyn Berzin is referring to the lines that appear around your lips after sucking on sporty water bottles, cigarettes or … um, you know … for 30 or more years.

Dr. Berzin noticed more cases showing up now that women in the DC area drink water all day, believing it to be a miracle elixir that sheds excess pounds and hydrates hair, skin and nails. (Yeah, right. Next they’re gonna say we can’t live without water!)

What’s surprising about this story is that the women in the article are only complaining about the lines on their lips. There is another corresponding condition from drinking water all day: toilet-ring butt.

Yes, toilet-ring butt. A condition normally associated with people who eat too much pork is now common with women who drink water all day, every day. Women as young as 30 are showing up to doctors’ offices with bottoms that are normally found on 50-year-old Bears fans who often sit on the can for hours at a time.

There’s one answer to both of these health scourges: put down that water bottle! We hate to repeat ourselves, but you’ve left us no choice.

How To: Beat addiction

So, if you followed last week’s How To, you got your band back together. How’s it going? Oh, you say your big reunion tour’s over already? That’s OK, because every band goes through a couple of false starts before the big reunion (see: every Van Halen attempt to reunite with Diamond Dave).

But before that happens, it’s time to evaluate what went wrong. Just like any breakup, we’ll bet dollars to donuts that it failed for the same reason that led to your first breakup: addiction. Also, you should probably change your socks.

The Guys love you very much, but we hate to see you hurting yourself. That’s why we’ve written this intervention: how to beat addiction. Continue reading How To: Beat addiction

“Hot blooded, and Japanese …

I CAN HAZ SOOPER POWERZ NOW?… feel like I’m burning at a 100 degrees.”

Ah, Japan, a land where tentacles and school girls run one in the same, food comes raw and pizza has shrimp on it. Now, it too can join the ranks of China, America, South Africa and other countries where simply unbelievable police practices have taken place. Japanese police arrested a gentleman who was reported to be “acting violently,” but before doing so, the suspect doused himself with kerosene previous to the boys in whatever color Japan’s police wear dragging his psychotic self in for questioning.

Now, here the guy is, sitting in extremely flammable clothes that he’s refused to change out of, in a building where, as it’s blatantly emphasized, no smoking is allowed. He requests a little smoke break, at which an officer gave him a pack of cigarettes and a lighter.

What happens next should not be too surprising. Of course the individual sets himself on fire and died of it, and now the police are kind of sorta wondering if the officers in charge of this incident should be arrested, or if it happened precisely as they said. No cameras or other witnesses were present, and Japanese police aren’t the nicest interrogators in the world. Now, me, if I was going to set a guy on fire, though, I don’t think I’d try to blame it on that kind of carelessness: I’d rather come out and say it. Would you rather be known as a murderer or “that moron who gave that crazy guy that lighter”?

Australian babies succomb to beer pressure

No! We can't let this happen!In more Wacky Australian Booze News, one-third of surveyed Australian women tip a few back while pregnant. Not only are they drinking while incubating future felons, but 93% of that third said that “they knew alcohol could affect an unborn child.”

In response, Australian scientists plan to use these results for a public health campaign about the dangers of drinking with a minor onboard.

This blog cannot agree more: while we support boozing in general, we cannot deny the effects of alcohol on babies. It makes them cooler, appear more mature, more confident with the ladies and possibly super strong. Australians are already all of that. By nurturing these traits at a prenatal stage, the rest of the world will never be able to keep up.

Should the health campaign fail, The Guys see no other alternative than a preemptive strike. That’s right: free cigarettes for pregnant Aussies. The secondhand smoke should float down to their pouches.