Monkeys are plotting something in Ohio town

A Cincinnati suburb is on edge, as residents say there are monkeys in the trees.

Locals have reported seeing monkeys around town in Lebanon, Ohio. Sometimes they’re hanging out in the trees, sometimes they’re in peoples’ yards, they have also been spotted rocking out to someone’s music. The current theory is that the monkeys were pets that escaped and have been doing their own thing ever since.

Some residents seem remarkably chill about having dangerous animals roaming freely in their town. At some point, these monkeys are going to team up with squirrels, and then the chaos will really start.

The animals aren’t taking the winter off

Animal apologists will tell you that male deer, or bucks, do some crazy things when it’s mating season. Then they wink and give you the “Am I right?” look. They trot this out every time a deer breaks into a building and harasses its occupants. But when this happens at a school, it’s not funny anymore.

Just outside Cincinnati, a teacher and three students were inside a classroom at Kings Junior High School, when suddenly a buck crashed through the window, nearly hitting the teacher. The quick-thinking occupants made it out of the room and closed the door behind them. That’s when they called on the history teacher, who just so happens to be a deer farmer (we need to farm these things?) and has a tranquilizer gun.

Folks, this is exactly why every teacher needs to be armed with a tranq gun at all times.

Thou shalt not give bear hugs or piggyback rides

In an updated list of things that priests cannot do with children, the Archdiocese of Cincinnati has issued it’s reformed commando command of things priests are not allowed to do with children. The list includes such staples of the religious community no kissing, no tickling, no wrestling, lap-sitting or bear hugs either. But apparently it’s still OK to give children the “body” of a guy that’s been dead for 2,000 years as well as drink his blood.