The Center for Disease Control and Prevention reports that the U.S. circumcision rate has dropped significantly since its all-time high in 1979. While over half of all boys born in the U.S. were circumcised, only 40 percent got shafted Western states like Arizona, California, Oregon and Washington. And you know how these trends go: what’s hip in California will be derided by old people until they die and it becomes the new normal.
So, how did we return to pre-1979 levels of peniscaping? The last time we, as a nation, had foreskin, were knee-deep in fuel shortages, an economic slump, turbulence in the Middle East and a Democrat president that gave conservatives the rage shivers. It appears that the nation has traveled in a full circle, much like the expert cutting of a mohel.
Or, we can just blame hipsters and their selective anachronisms. Look for this accusation on a cover of Time or Newsweek near you.
The male cricumcision debate rages on in the Western world with advocates on both sides claiming a list of benefits from having a either a turtle- or crew-necked penis. (The Guys prefer a V-cut, ourselves.) And now, the American Academy of Pediactrics have weighed in … sort of.
The AAP — which is not to be confused with the American Academy of Pediatricians, a collection of right-wing lunatics with medical degrees and an unhealthy fascination with gay kids — has concluded that, yes, there are health benefits to circumcising your baby boy and that those benefits outweigh the risks of the procedure. (They did not, however, acknowledge our dissertation on there being more than one way to skin a penis.)
Just to be clear: the AAP isn’t saying that circumcised is better than not circumcised, just that it’s not as medically dangerous as opponents claim. And so ultimately, the decision as to which is better rests in the hands of the only qualified judges: straight women and gay men.
Sex in uncomfortable positions and locations, such as in the office or a car, can potentially break your tunica albuginea — the “bone” in your boner. Or, a better way to define these places? Anywhere your regularly scheduled sex partner isn’t.
“All I knew was that circumcision is something the U.S. does and Europe doesn’t and is therefore awesome. Our penises are clean and sleek and new like Frank Gehry skyscrapers, while theirs are crumbling, ancient edifices inhabited by fat old men in hats.”