You Missed It: End of 2016 edition

My drink order has arrived just in time. Get your own.

Well look who finally got on the “this year sucked” train. I’ve been doing this for years, everyone just finally caught up. I have a theory that 2016 was the Rapture. Everyone you love who was good is gone. Now we’re just in a hollow wasteland, and there’s the devil about. Either that, or we’re old enough that famous people we’ve heard of are starting to die off. This year was a lot like 1941 — we all knew there was conflict, and the headlines were really interesting, then an awful day toward the end of year made nothing feel the same again. This was indeed the worst year yet. Kim Kardashian had something bad happen to her for once. We cheered for sad sack teams. The Supreme Court became an octet. We held a months-long funeral for a gorilla we’d never heard of. We bought some Cuban cigars. We stood really still in videos. Let’s do to 2016 what it did to a lot of famous people, shall we?


Let freedom wear a c@#k ring
The armed hicks occupying a tiny federal office building at a remote Oregon wildlife sanctuary complained in a video that people keep sending them sex toys, including a whole bunch of dildos. The group made an appeal to “real patriots” to send them supplies, as they were so busy packing their guns they forgot to bring food and water for their camping trip. America responded by sending them plastic penises, which is a phrase I’ve waited to write my whole life. Upon hearing the news, Cards Against Humanity co-founder Max Temkin, really, sent the occupiers a 55-gallon barrel of lube.

Blowing up the airwaves
North Korea said it successfully tested a hydrogen bomb, but experts weren’t so sure it worked. In any case, the test marked another act of defiance of international sanctions. In response, South Korea set up loudspeakers along the border and began blasting K-pop. These two countries are like feuding neighbors in an apartment building. One keeps making the floor shake with loud thumps, so the other cranks their music, in this case, Psy.

From Mexico with love
After capturing escaped drug lord El Chapo, Mexican authorities published his text messages on his phone. Many were shocked not only to see that he was in contact with Mexican actress Kate del Castillo, but that his texts were quite romantic. He told her, “I’ll care for you more than my own eyes,” and even suggested having her meet his mother. Maybe we’ve got these guys all wrong. We just need to help these drug cartels find love and they’ll stop massacring entire towns. Continue reading You Missed It: End of 2016 edition

You Missed It: Orange is the new red edition

On the first night, Trump missed his mark on the entrance by one foot.
Trump missed his mark on the entrance by one foot.

For the past two weeks, Pokemon Go has been taking over the world. Players of all ages have been geeking out over the game. They have been invading social media with their constant posts about their finds, and invading private property and restricted access areas like military bases, prisons and hallowed graveyards. They got upset when people made fun of them, or complained they didn’t care about their posts. Folks, I’ll make you a deal: I won’t post about my imaginary football team this fall if you stop posting about make-believe animals you find with your smartphone. If you were busy copying off of someone else this week, odds are you missed it.

Fear and loathing in Cleveland
This week, the Republican National Convention was held in Cleveland — as if that city hasn’t seen enough hardship. The event had everything: a voting controversy, an ethics controversy, Rudy “I Was Mayor on 9/11” Giuliani yelling like he was at Wrestlemania, racism, homophobia, xenophobia, transphobia, funny hats, chants about imprisoning opponents and Donald Trump yelling a speech about how everything is terrible but he will fix it. All the hard work Leni Riefenstahl put into the event really came though.

Kanye vs. Swift III
Taylor Swift found herself in the middle of a new controversy after Kim Kardashian posted video of Kanye West getting an OK on lyrics for his new song from Swift over the phone. She had previously denied she knew anything about her mention in the song. And because it’s a scandal, it’s only a matter of time until Hillary Clinton is involved somehow.

Something wacky in the water
Authorities in a small Colorado town warned residents to bathe or drink tap water this week after THC, the active ingredient in marijuana, was found in one of the town’s wells this week. To which the locals replied, “Dude, no drinking water? How are we supposed to get rid of this cotton mouth?”

Eat My Sports: Cleveland sucks

Bryan Schools has gone to defend his home planet from invaders. He sent us this message to share with you in the meantime.

Anyone who knows anything about futility in sports knows that Cleveland is one of the most destitute locations of all-time. Currently, what Google has deemed the saddest place on the planet, has gone 52 years without a professional championship in any sport, and now the Cavaliers are trying to dupe the population into one more ride.

As much as I have been on LeBron James’ side since he atoned for taking his talents to South Beach, the chosen one is now leading the Cavs into a potential onslaught by either the Golden State Warriors or Oklahoma City Thunder when the real NBA Finals (the Western Conference Finals) are done.

Just from knowing history, and how Cleveland has come so close before before losing in ways only Cleveland can (The Drive for the Browns and losing to the Marlins while being up with two outs to go in the 1997 World Series), this team is destined for an epic collapse. Because, well, that’s the only thing it can do well.

Toxic blob heading toward Cleveland — again

Cleveland is a tough, proud town on Lake Erie. Sure everyone likes to make fun of its sports teams because they are awful, but the people endure. And it’s no wonder that people in The Cleve yearn for days gone by. Those who miss the 1970s may soon have a reminder on tap.

It seems a blob of toxic sludge dredged from the Cuyahoga River in the 1970s and dumped into Lake Erie is making its way toward an intake pipe that supplies water for the Cleveland metro area. The industrial waste blob is about two miles long, and is just five miles away from a water treatment plant and its intake pipe, state health officials warn. It’s some of the same carcinogenic sludge that caught fire in the Cuyahoga River in 1952 and 1969. Here’s Randy Newman with a quick history lesson.

Cleveland, an old friend is coming home.

Cleveland sports fans continue to be the worst

LeBron James may very well be going home. He may also be staying in Miami or going to a number of places around the country (but not Phoenix for a number of reasons, mainly fiduciary and talent-wise).

Nonetheless, a Cleveland t-shirt company has created a t-shirt that is sure to bring no small amount of self-induced delusions of grandeur and thus a situation that will only result in lots of crying when Cleveland sports fans don’t get what they want. As they shouldn’t.

Dear Cleveland sports fans,

Your basketball team sucks. Your football team sucks. Your baseball team sucks. You don’t deserve sports, much less a caliber of athlete like LeBron James. You are why bad things happen. Stop it.

I told you that nothing good comes out of Cleveland

Well, with the exception of LeBron James, nothing is of any pertinence when it comes to Cleveland. The Browns? Pff. The Cavaliers? Blah. The Indians? Yeah right. The Rock Hall of Fame? BWA-HAHAHAHAHA.

And obviously, their drivers aren’t too worthy of being known for their good driving habits.

“Only an idiot drives on the sidewalk to avoid a school bus.”

Yeah, that sounds about right.


Howard Stern is the king of all media. Howard Stern is the hero of Brian Michael Bendis. Howard Stern is a species traitor.

A radio listener of Stern’s called in and talked about one of her rescues, a French bulldog. The beast needed an operation, but the woman couldn’t afford it. Stern took to the airwaves and implored his listeners to help out. To which one of them did.

Brenda Motsco, a species traitor in the purest form vet in Ohio, emailed the show about the dog. She then drove out to Long Island, took the dog and went back to Ohio. Did she do the right thing?

Well, considering the category this post is under is “War on Animals” and the animal will be given an operation that will remove a hernia, we’ll just say no.

Howard Stern, we’re disappointed in you. With your outlandish antics, we would have assumed that the least you could do is kick the dog in the buttocks.

Fresh PR move of the day

A huge announcement was made today, which could really change the game for someone with a bit of a “Google problem.”

No, that “someone” isn’t Rick S@ntorum. Even as a comedy site, we still try to focus on viable presidential candidates. (And we’ve written about both Palin and Trump in our archives.) Plus, we’re trying to stay Safe For Work.

We’re actually talking about Cleveland, which has been trying to shake off what we assume started as an innocent reference to their carpet cleaning business. But, will this latest attempt work, and is it worth it?

Too hot to handle, too cold to hold

There’s pink water in Ohio, which as we understand it, means it’s officially spring! According to the Lake County Department of Utilities northeast of Cleveland said the water was pink because of a chemical overload, but everything was just fine.

A spokesman explained it was simply an accident, and was in no way connected with the painting of Vigo the Carpathian across town, or Vigo’s search for a baby to live inside so he can once again rule the world. Nope, it was really just potassium permanganate. Nothing to see here, folks. At least not until New Year’s Eve.

Eat My Sports: Quarterly calls

Officially past the quarter mark of the 2008 MLB season and we’ve had some surprises, some things we’ve expected and the last place Yankees. We’re going to size up the top teams in each league, then give you the one team to look out for. Us in the sporting world call this the “wild card,” look it up.

AL East
At 31-20 the newly christened Tampa Bay Rays have the best percentage mark thus far. I really like the Rays, their young talent is spry and standing tall like a seasoned porn vet. The longevity of this club to sustain season-long success isn’t going to hold though. It’s going flop like Ron Jeremy staring down a donkey. Don’t expect the Yankees to finish in the cellar, but don’t expect them to beat out Boston or Tampa either. The Rays’ pitching will falter down the stretch, and look for the Sox to take the crown, but the Rays in the wild card. Continue reading Eat My Sports: Quarterly calls