Chocolate: without it, peanut butter cups are just weird. And we may be facing just such weirdness in the future, thanks to climate change. But a team of scientists is working to save it (chocolate, not the climate).
It’s true, chocolate, the main ingredient in fudge, could cease to be in the decades ahead, because the cacao plant is losing its habitat thanks to climate change. Cacao plants need to be grown in a very specific, unchanging environment, which is why they don’t stand a chance as things continue to get crazy weatherwise. That’s why a team of researchers is using gene editing technology to make cacao better able to grow at higher elevations, where weather is generally more stable.
However, if we do run out of chocolate, at least all the chocoholics will get clean.
Happy Talk Like A Pirate Day, ye swabs! By now ye should know about this high holiday, and if ye don’t, ye can figure out how to celebrate. Let us talk about a new way to make booze while cleanin’ up the air.
Scientists agree that climate change is real, and fer we pirates, that means fewer islands to pillage because of rising sea levels, and stronger hurricanes that could sink us. But now we might be able to take carbon emissions out o’ the air and put them to good use: getting us drunk. Ph.D student Ming Ma has devised a way to take carbon emissions captured from smokestacks and turn them into a variety of chemicals, especially ethanol. Ye may know ethanol as a fancy word fer grog.
We can make alcohol from the air. What a glorious time to be a pirate.
It’s the dog days of summer. I don’t really know what that phrase means, sort of like “the ides of March.” Anyway, there is such a thing as the dog days of summer, and this is it. And usually there’s not a ton of news out there. But that’s certainly not the case this week. If you were busy being accused of holding women captive in a cult-like atmosphere this week, odds are you missed it.
Spice put on ice
This week, Sean Spicer stepped down from his post as White House press secretary. He at first denied the reports as fake news from the dishonest liberal media, but then looked down at his notes and learned that he had apparently resigned.
President Donald Trump this week nominated climate change denier Sam Clovis to the USDA’s top science position. “Hooray,” cheered cows across the country, whose farts represent the largest U.S. emissions of the greenhouse gas methane.
Man who didn’t murder two people granted parole
O.J. Simpson was granted parole this week after serving nine years in prison for an armed heist to steal back some of his memorabilia that had been sold. Simpson told the judge he plans to search for the real armed robber.
Dr. Stephen Hawking, famous physicist and total bummer at a party, is continuing to say that mankind is doomed. In fact, we’ve only got a century left, so we should probably get going on the colonizing of somewhere else.
We’ve got robots to worry about, climate change, nuclear war, even genetically engineered diseases coming our way. And because of that, the world needs to work together to colonize the moon in 2020 and Mars in 2025. Beyond that, mankind will need to further colonize space if it is to survive, as Earth’s resources are dwindling, Dr. Chuckles said.
But there is good news: we may not have to wait that long for life on Earth as we know it to come to an end. As you know, there is a supervolcano that sits beneath Yellowstone National Park. Well, there have been a series of earthquakes at the supervolcano. If it erupts, it would kill a lot in the immediate area, but it would also send enough ash into the atmosphere to block out the sun for much of the planet, which would surely kill crops and lead to a worldwide famine. The U.S. Geological Survey says these quakes don’t indicate an eruption, but of course they would say that.
There are things about our society I will never understand, such as mustaches, lattes and Civil War reenactors. But above all else, I do not understand the annual appeal of the Scripps National Spelling Bee. It’s great that it’s the one time America cares about the education of its youth, but why does anyone watch it? It’s like sitting through a school band concert and you don’t even have a kid at that school. If you lost your job because of thin-skinned bullies this week, odds are you missed it.
Paris je déteste
This week, President Donald Trump announced that he will begin the process of pulling the U.S. out of the landmark Paris climate agreement. For some reason, people were surprised by this. Folks, this is the guy who argued that it wasn’t raining during his inauguration, when you could clearly see rain drops, umbrellas, and George W. Bush getting confused by a poncho. Of course he’s going to deny climate change. Pretty soon he’ll be arguing that the sky’s not grey.
Police in Florida arrested Tiger Woods earlier this week after he was found sleeping at the wheel of his car which was pulled over on the side of the road. Reports indicate that alcohol was not involved, but rather his incoherent state was the result of a reaction to his prescription medication. Floridians were outraged that Woods was arrested, arguing that every driver in Florida is messed up on drugs.
Mr. Met thrown out
The New York Mets fired the actor playing Mr. Met, after video surfaced of the large baseball-headed anthropomorphic figure was seen flipping the bird at hecklers. So that ought to get that ball club back on track.
If you want to help save the environment, stay away from that salad.
Researchers at Carnegie Mellon University have found that fruits and vegetables are worse for the environment than less healthy food. For example, lettuce is three times worse than bacon. That isn’t a joke. The greenhouse gasses associated with growing produce makes them worse for you than all those meaty, unhealthy foods you love so much. Commonly-eaten vegetables are among the worst. The Guys will never allow celery in our bloody Marys ever again.
Last week, 195 countries signed an agreement to reduce carbon emissions. Shouldn’t you be doing your part?
It’s nearly Halloween, and across the country, Americans are carving their gourds into geeky things in hopes of going viral for an hour, while others just draw a face and leave it at that. If you have a pumpkin, congratulations, you’re ruining the environment.
According to a report from the Department of Energy, pumpkins are making climate change worse. An estimated 1.3 billion pounds of rotting pumpkin meat will end up in U.S. landfills this year. And while making our landfills into big pumpkin pies might sound like fun, it turns out that all that rotting flesh is letting off methane as it disintegrates. And methane is a greenhouse gas.
Couple that with all of the smoke coming off of that little candle inside your jack-o-lantern, and you’ve got a climate change bomb, just as the devil wanted.
I’m really trying not to get cynical about things. That’s why when I heard that police caught the racist trash who killed nine people he didn’t know, I tried to focus on the fact that unlike so many shooters, he was taken alive, and now he’ll have to answer for his crimes. Maybe we’ll learn something from him and figure out how to keep this from happening again. I’m still trying to convince myself that we’re going to change this time. Let’s shift gears now. If you were busy getting sent to the purgatory of MSNBC this week, odds are you missed it.
Eat it, Alexander Hamilton
This week, Treasury Secretary Jack Lew announced that the $10 bill will feature a woman when the newest redesign is released in 2020, even though no one uses paper currency anymore. He didn’t mention any names, but said that it would be an American woman who represents the best in American values. So congratulations, Kim Kardashian!
Pope tells world to clean up its room
Pope Francis called out the rich and powerful for harming the environment, saying that Earth looks like “an immense pile of filth.” He called on everyone around the world to avoid the sin of polluting the Earth. The head of the Catholic Church also said that there is a “solid scientific consensus” that climate change is mostly cause by humans. Plus, Donald Trump announced he’s running for president. Weird week, huh?
When trans fats are outlawed, only outlaws will have trans fats
The FDA announced this week that trans fats will be banned by 2018. The federal agency’s announcement was criticized for being trans-phobic, especially for Pride Month.
The internet is many things. But I believe that decades from how historians will look back on it and just see it as “weird.” Take a look at what’s trending on Twitter on any given day and you’ll see. Yesterday was a two-fer. We had llamas on the run in Arizona, and a debate over the color of a dress. Machismo aside, I have no idea why people cared so much about that dress. I mean, at least the llama chase was fun to watch. There are countless optical illusions online, and this dress one went nuts for a day. Looks like it’s time to dust off the rights to Magic Eye. If you were busy legalizing marijuana this week, odds are you missed it.
‘The climate is changing … in my pants’
This week, Rajendra Pachauri, chairman of the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (like you didn’t know that already), resigned amid sexual harassment claims. According to reports, Pachauri, 74, made unwelcome advances electronically toward several women. His go-to line: “Is the average temperature warming up from man-made causes in here, or is it just me?”
Bill Cosby is still touring for some reason
Embattled comedian Bill Cosby sent out a message to fans Friday before a performance in Louisiana. He thanked his fans for 53 years of their support, and said he couldn’t wait to see their smiling faces, and finished up his statement with, “Hey, Hey, Hey — I’m far from finished.” He then reminded his lady fans that his shows have a one-drink minimum.
Did the war even happen?
Veterans Affairs Secretary Robert McDonald found himself in trouble this week for lying about his service record. It was revealed that when he met a former special forces serviceman at an event supporting homeless people in Los Angeles, McDonald, an Army veteran, said he had served in special forces, too, when in fact he had not. McDonald apologized, and said he was actually with Brian Williams when his helicopter took fire.
You know Pat Sajak, everyone does. He’s the short, friendly, affable guy who has hosted Wheel of Fortune for some three decades. What you may not know is that he’s active on Twitter. More so, he’s on to the evil schemes of scientists and their so-called “evidence.”
Just yesterday, he made made it plain that he believes this “climate change” thing is a bunch of hooey.
I now believe global warming alarmists are unpatriotic racists knowingly misleading for their own ends. Good night.
No, his account wasn’t hacked. He chose to tweet that the same day NOAA released its monthly report saying that April was tied for the hottest month globally ever recorded. Sajak really was saying if you believe in global warming, you’re a racist. Worse yet, you don’t love America, one of the biggest polluters in the world.
We have to agree with Mr. Wheel himself. A guy who stands in one place, smiling and handing out money night after night, needs to be well educated. And it takes a man of such intelligence to stare down 97.1% of all research done on climate change and say, “F_CK Y__.”