Gen X to global warming: ‘meh’

In a follow-up to a 2009 survey that revealed most American Gen X-ers are ambivalent at best to climate change, even more don’t care two years later. The age group that, for the purposes of this research, were born between 1961 and 1981 don’t know much about climate change and aren’t concerned about it, either.

Even as temperatures rise and new records are set this summer, survey respondents across the board answered, “Pfft, really? You probably weren’t around for the Reagan years, but I was, and this is nothing. And, there was this one summer, like, in 1994? Days don’t get hot like that anymore.”

Does it feel a little Chile in here to you?

Everyone in the northern hemisphere is complaining about how cold it’s supposed to be up here because it’s winter. But, did you know that summer is just heating up below the equator? It’s true! (Also: their toilets flush backwards, and their mermaids have fish heads and lady legs.)

In an effort to stave off energy costs, the Chilean government has suggested that men not wear ties this summer. Aside from the friction caused from tying, re-tying and tying one until you get it right, they believe that this will cut power costs from air conditioning.

But, that’s not to say there isn’t some backlash. At least one Santiago resident is aghast that the president, government ministers, engineers,  doctors and journalists would go about their business without a tie.

“There are things that really go along with being formal and well-structured,” said Gonzalo Castro, adding, “What will they use to wipe our famous sea bass off with during business lunches?”

Choosy scientists don’t choose Rick Perry

Texas Governor Rick Perry hasn’t had the best month. Oh sure, he can try to make himself out to be a media darling, but when your closest competition for the longest time was a stiff board, well, eventually people were going to begin putting him into perspective. This is not even including Perry attempting to get HPV vaccinations made mandatory while slashing the budgets of Planned Parenthood all across the state or a little documentary that has begun to call into question the decision-making skills of the guy.

Well, it’s not gonna get any easier here, Dicky-boy.

A large amount of scientists created a report on the current state of Galveston Bay, as asked by Rick Perry’s Administation. It was rumored that the report would have landmark consequences. We won’t know, though. Perry’s administration decided to remove mentions of climate change and sea-level rise from the report, which has led to a group of the scientists protesting the now edited report and asking to have their names removed from it under the grounds of scientific censorship.

And by group, I mean all 200 of the scientists related to the report.

“It is basically saying that the state of Texas doesn’t accept science results published in Science magazine,” Anderson said. “That’s going pretty far.”

Have nerds gotten wilier since the days of Ogre, or are Texas officials just dumber?

Boehner solves global warming!

Were you worried about climate change, man-made or not? Well, then does soon-to-be House Speaker John Boehner have good news for you: he’s fixed it.

That’s right: the problem that would have destroyed our economy, killed off the elderly and children and made us all considerably stinkier? Boehner took care of it; don’t you worry your pretty little head.

How, you ask? The same way we stopped school bullying: by ignoring it.

You Missed It: Big is the new small edition

I don’t know about you guys, but January has seemed like it’s dragged on. I’d say it’s felt easily like the longest month we’ve had this year. Let’s not forget that The Guys even took two days off this month. Ug. Anyway, it’s over now. If you were busy anticipating the Pro Bowl, you’re probably the only one, and you missed it.

I’m tired of being able type with two hands
Steve Jobs, god of all that is Apple, introduced the iPad, a much-rumored tablet computer thingy that got mixed reviews at best. You can’t multi-task, you have to use complicated wires to connect anything to it, and 3G coverage is extra (plus a monthly service fee). We don’t know about you, but we’ve been clamoring for a big-ass iTouch. Now if only there were some kind of feminine product joke to make.

And no one noticed Biden’s purple-ish tie?
The same day as the iPad’s unveiling, another grand presentation was made by another celebratedr presentation person: President Barack Obama. During his State of the Union address, Obama bashed a Supreme Court decision that opened the door for corporate campaign sponsorship. Justice Sam Alito(ooo) was caught on camera shaking his head and mouthing something that looked like “No way, that’s wrong.” Alito’s message was brought to you by Geico, a 15 minute call could save you 15 percent or more on car insurance.

Osama, Al Gore find common ground
In a statement, Osama bin Laden called for the oil industry to separate itself from using the U.S. dollar as its standard currency, he also said climate change is all America’s fault, because, you know, it’s not like his native Saudi Arabia is the leading oil exporter in the world or anything.

Fox and facts? Oh, deer

SG is breaking new Internet comedy ground with ROFLDeer (patent pending).It’s already understood that Fox News has a very tenuous grasp on what separates “fact” from “s#@t we’re spitballing on live television.” It’s also common knowledge that they have a Web site that reports this “news,” yet looks like it was built by CNN two years ago.

But, just when you think Fox can’t lower the bar any further, here are some very true, controversial facts about Santa’s reindeer.

Bonus: The article mentions “climate change” and steps to address it, but very carefully avoids implicating human emissions.

This is what we get for shunning hunter-gatherers

Another study came out about climate change. The bad news is that they still think it exists and don’t mention God as a reason for it. The good news is that it’s not our fault!

Nope, it’s ancient farmers. Apparently, they all burned down so many forests that they released a lot of carbon dioxide into the atmosphere, which probably caused the world to heat up and thus bring Al Gore to post-political fame. So, um, now what?

The next wave of illegal immigrants

Global warming may be a threat after all. Not because some scientists are worried that we will be plunged into a new ice age because of it–that’s just crazy talk. But because warmer climates could result in us getting some rather unpleasant neighbors.

Scientists say that if the planet heats up at its current rate, by 2100, parts of North America could have a climate similar to Pakistan or Indonesia. While this blog has no idea what that means, there is a scarier aspect to this: Pythons could invade our territory.

“Climate modeling for the year 2100 which shows the possible climate range for pythons moving northward and swallowing up northernmost parts of Texas and Arkansas, the southeast half of Kansas, the southern half of Missouri and parts of southern Illinois and Indiana. Further east the big snakes could comfortably creep through Tennessee, Kentucky, Maryland, Delaware and southern New Jersey.”

The west coast isn’t safe either. Folks, we have to either fight global warming or fight pythons. Since it’s unclear whether or not a shotgun can kill global warming, this blog recommends we go after pythons.