In democracy, machines count for something

Letting machines take over our elections means that people who protest the results will look less crazy and more like John Connor.
Letting machines take over our elections means that people who protest the results will look less crazy and more like John Connor.

Good news, everyone, about the recount in Wisconsin! … No, not that. He probably still won. But! The recount should prove that, when (not “if”) the machines take over, they’re even better at democracy than we are. So, the singularity shouldn’t be a totalitarian dictatorship!

For all the worries about human error in vote counting and machines screwing up, four election experts believe that the Wisconsin recount will prove two things: (1) we’re better at counting votes than we think, and (2) machines are better than us at it and, therefore democracy.

Previous recounts show a 0.28 percent discrepancy in hand-counted votes, while computer-counted votes only had a 0.17 percent discrepancy. And even when the machines screw up, it’s mostly when a human factor interrupts the computer process, like a human logging computer counts incorrectly on a pen and ink form.

So, if we really want a more representative government, then perhaps it’s time to throw out the factor that keeps (minutely) screwing it up: humans.

You Missed It: Hot water edition

The fountain and Nickelodeon Studios was shut down for the same reason.
The fountain and Nickelodeon Studios was shut down for the same reason.

Hi folks. It’s been a couple weeks. Anything big happen? Oh right. Hey, so just remember that people aren’t all one thing. Trump voters aren’t all racists. Clinton voters aren’t all coming for your guns. There are certainly those elements in both groups, but people are wonderfully diverse and complex. We’re programmed to mentally lump groups together, and it’s easy to do that. We all have different experiences, priorities and points of view. We had a bad roll of the dice for leadership choices this time around. We’ll do better next time. Until then, let’s talk to each other and remind ourselves that we’re all living, breathing humans–except for the racists. If you were busy doing the mannequin challenge this week, odds are you missed it.

This week, it was revealed that a man in Yellowstone National Park ignored all the warning signs and went up to a geyser looking to take a relaxing dip. He then fell into the scalding hot, acidic water and ended up dying. If that’s not 2016 in a nutshell, nothing is.

Heh, we said ‘titular’
Disney’s “Moana” will be coming to theaters soon enough, but when it opens in Italy, it will have a different name. The movie is named after its lead. The titular character is a Polynesian princess that goes on some sort of an adventure. But in Italy the movie will be called “Oceania” because the name Moana is closely associated there with an adult film star Moana Pozzi. This is name change is expected to save millions of Italian men from going to the wrong movie.

Fashion person thinks she’s important
Designer Sophie Theallet has pledged to not dress future First Lady Melania Trump, and is encouraging other designers to do the same, because ohgodwhocaresit’sjustclothes.

Flavor Fleeeeeee

After a turbulent four months of bounced checks and low staff retention, Clinton, Iowa-based Flav’s Fried Chicken has shuttered. Flav, as all his close friends call him, claims that restaurant manager Nick Cimino wasn’t running the business right, while Cimino believes that Flav is a “fraud” and he is glad to be “free of somebody like Flavor Flav.” There are also rumors that Flav had issues with the food itself after discovering potato salad on April 2 that was being served despite having expired since February 28.

Oh, that’s just mouth-watering.

Flav is reportedly still looking into pursuing other restaurant ventures, including a Las Vegas place called “Flavor Flav’s House of Flavor,” expected to open May 30, and perhaps another restaurant in Davenport, Iowa as well. We expect that the house will taste like cinnamon because why not?

Fried chicken, booooooyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!

Take one part former rap hype man and alum of “The Surreal Life,” one part obscure town in Middle America, add two parts secret recipe for fried chicken, and what do you get? Reality, which has now become more awesome louder stranger than fiction.

Flavor Flav has opened the first of what he hopes will be “hundreds” of Flav’s Fried Chicken restaurants in, of all places, Clinton, Iowa.

No, really. But wait, it gets better.

“I don’t want to be just known to have a spot. You’re going to find me in here working. You’re going to be catching me seasoning my chicken, flouring my chicken, frying up my chicken, and not only that, but serving my chicken to my people.”

Please keep in mind that FLAVA FLAAAAAAV from Long Island. The connection to Clinton is via Peter Cimino, a restaurateur that owns a local restaurant that began serving Flavor Flav’s hot wings.

“Nick sees me frying the chicken and says ‘I’m going back to my town and I’m going to build us a restaurant, the first FFC restaurant.’ I said, ‘Huh, are you serious?'”

Lest anyone forget that this is Flav’s Fried Chicken, Nick Cimino, brother of Peter, reportedly hired local artists to plaster Flav’s image everywhere in the restaurant, but the hip-hop star doesn’t want to compete based on his celebrity alone. To him, it’s all about the chicken:

“The taste will blow up your taste buds. You’ll have fireworks in there.”

It’s the quotes that keep us coming back. Well, those and hopefully kids meal prizes of viking helmets and over-sized clock pendants.

You Missed It: Introspective Monologue edition

Hey, guess what? I’m about to head out for week-long vacation. It’s so close I can taste it. You know how that is, right? I’m just counting the minutes until I’m out of here.

Sound familiar? That’s probably because it’s true yet again. Like Bryan McBournie from last week, I’ll be off next week. But let’s be honest, that’s neither here nor there. If you were feeling absolutely dejected because you couldn’t tweet that Facebook was down, odds are you missed it.

It was a sad day for film fans, but a golden age for boom-box salesmen
Legendary director John Hughes has passed away. The man behind many classic movies of the 80’s, like National Lampoon’s Vacation, The Breakfast Club, Weird Science, Sixteen Candles, Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, Hughes seemingly dropped off the radar during the the following decades. No hyperbole intended, but the man truly shaped the sensibilities, style, humor, and outlook of an entire generation of Americans. While it’s regretful that the style of many of those Americans involved jean jackets and legwarmers, what’s even more regretful is that we’re still stuck with people like Brett Ratner.

Superman. The Sentry. Supreme. Marvelman. William Jefferson Clinton.
Yes, the same former President Clinton that, during his time in office, was brought up in an impeachment trial, negotiated with North Korea’s leader Kim Jong Ill in North Korea for the release of two American journalists that were held in the country for 5 months. Clinton came back to the United States with two journalists in tow, and has become the latest modern day superhero. While we don’t exactly know what was said during the negotiations, we do know one thing: he did not have sexual relations with that country’s leader.

What, you really thought we were done with the virus?
Beef Packers Inc. has recalled approximately 826, 000 pounds of ground beef products due to a possible outbreak of salmonella in said products. The theory being posited is that recent outbreaks among 11 states can be linked to the same company, though whether the fault lies with the packing company or the distribution company remains to be seen. Seeing as how salmonella has now made its way through a minimum of 75% of the food that I put into my body on a regular basis, it’s a miracle that I’m still alive.

We’re angry at Barack Obama

So, Mr. President-elect Barack FancyPants Obama: you announced there would be 20 positions in your cabinet. You’ve disappointed women because you only appointed five of those seats to women, the same number as Bush and Clinton had in their cabinets.

But, more egregiously, you appointed no (0) SeriouslyGuys to your cabinet, which is also the same number as Bush and Clinton had in their cabinets.

It’s not like we aren’t qualified or didn’t apply.

All we hoped (remember that word?) for was to take this country a step forward. Instead, you’ve taken shocking steps backwards. We guess our constituency does not matter to you.

You Missed It: Break out the champagne edition

Welcome to the final You Missed it of 2008. (Normally abbreviated as YMI, but also known as TMI to iPhone users.) If you are expecting a grand review of 2008: The Year That Was–Numerically Inevitable After 2007, then you will get your wish. Technically, it’s only covering April on, since that is when this feature started, but nevertheless, let’s take a look back on the stories that would have changed your world if you had read this the first time around.

If you were busy getting engaged while still a suspect in your current wife’s disappearance, odds are you missed it.

FLAME ON! And off … and on again
The 2008 Beijing Olympics was one of the most overarching themes of the year. Things got off to a great start when human rights protesters in cities around the world caused the Olympic torch run to be done in secret in some places and extinguished temporarily several dozen times. Then it was the concern over pollution in the city, so China shut down all of its factories in the area for a few months, driving up the prices in just about everything for the summer.

As the games went on, we learned that the Olympic Village is basically a huge orgy, due to the fact that everyone is really fit and exercise raises hormone levels. Michael Phelps swam his way to eight gold medals and other athletes–uh oh, I said the M-P words. I can’t resist, must chant! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! Continue reading You Missed It: Break out the champagne edition