Study: There’s poop on your clothes

If you’re the type of person who likes to go to a store and try on clothes before buying them, rather than just purchasing them online, the dying retail industry thanks you. But you should also know that you’re wearing some nasty germs.

Researchers have found that a lot of garments in stores have some nasty stuff on them. Because people touch them, try them on, and put them back, these things just sit there growing bacteria and viruses on them — even fecal remnants. You don’t even have to buy the garments, just by touching them, you pick up all of that stuff on your hands. And it sits there waiting for you to touch your eye, or your nose, or to eat something.

Worst of all, if you wear the clothes without washing them first, it’s all over you. And that’s our excuse for not going shopping with our significant others.

Titis under man’s clothes in airport!

Reader, do you:

  • Hate animals?
  • Fear illegal Latino immigrants?
  • Find words that sound like “titties” hilarious and verrrrry arousing?

Then get the monitor swabs ready, because you’re about to shoot your SeriouslyLoad!

A man was arrested trying to smuggle 18 illegal Peruvian titi monkeys into the Mexico City Airport. Hm, a human smuggling contraband in his clothes in Mexico. We wonder where they were headed next. (By “wonder,” we mean “know exactly.”)

As fun as it is to snort coke off of titis, especially off those belonging to strippers, you are abetting a horrible trade and aiding the enemy in the War on Animals.

Saving the poor from (further) bad decisions

Sometimes it’s tough to ignore homeless people. It’s a burden to pretend they don’t exist, imagining the situation that could put us in their position, and they aren’t helping with gaudy, out-of-season clothes. Penniless and attention-whoring is no way to go through life, son.

If you’re looking for a solution to the homeless problem described above, then New York would be the best place to start. Proving that miracles still happen on 34th Street, clothing store H&M refuses to donate unsold clothing and even cuts or hole-punches them before throwing the items away.

Bravo, H&M! It’s bad enough that poor people ride our buses and breathe our air, but the last thing we need is for them to offend our sense of style. If they want to wear designer clothes, then maybe they should get a job and buy the latest items that consumers actually want, hm?

And, of course, they’ll be able to throw those clothes away after a year of use.

Bonus Quote: “H & M, which is based in Sweden, has an executive in charge of corporate responsibility who leads the company’s sustainability efforts. On its Web site, H&M reports that to save paper, it has shrunk its shipping labels.”

You can’t fake that kind of philanthropy, people.

(Courtesy of Chris S.)

Warning: Butt cancer level … rising

After yesterday’s news that only one in four people know about their HIV-positive-life-outlook, clothing manufacturers and Science! are stepping up to the plate.

They are developing clothes that can detect cancer, mask your outrageous B.O. and even prevent the cold and flu.

And if we’ve received any indication from the auto industry, it’s that these new hybrid clothes will look just dandy on all you swells, too.

Photoshopper’s note:
Coincidentally, I just happened to restumble upon the world’s oldest “hole in the sand” joke for the second time today. Women farting on dates is a classic, folks.