People in glass bathhouses

Rick S@ntorum,* whose three-step policy plan consists of:

Step One: Banning homosexuality and abortion with federal laws.

Step Two: […]

Step Three: Profit!

launched an attack on Herman Cain’s conservatism today after Pizza Godfather Cain told CNN that — while he personally disagrees with abortion and would carry any baby inside of him to term — he would not allow that opinion to dictate policy if he were elected president.

“The government shouldn’t be trying to tell people everything to do, especially when it comes to social decisions that they need to make,” said Cain.

S@ntorum pounced onto that, telling the Associated Press that Cain is misleading voters about his conservative credentials:

“It’s basically the position that just about every pro-choice politician has in America. I don’t know too many pro-choice politicians who are for abortion, who want more abortions … but they say the decision is a choice the government shouldn’t be involved in.”

We asked an even more conservative person about S@ntorum’s comments, and he felt that Rick, too, is misleading voters about his conservative credentials. He pointed out that S@ntorum has yet to speak out against shellfish, campaigning on Sundays and tolerating the sight of menstruating women.

* has a “zero profanity” posting policy in an effort to keep our inanity safe for work.

Sensible costumes just make sense

If you’ve already found your Halloween costume, good for you … unless it’s offensive to somebody. Then you only have 20 days to replace it with something everyone will enjoy.

CNN blog, The Chart, is on the case regarding discontinued (since 2007) costume, Anna Rexia. While it still shows up occasionally in stores because apparently nobody bought it, those same stores have removed it from their shelves. Still, if you didn’t have the chance to be offended four years ago, CNN and — now we — have found an image of it.

As a reminder, any costume from a movie that doesn’t recreate our first viewing experience of said movie is offensive for destroying our childhoods.

(Special thanks to Sarah Lena for the story.)

Take it from Snee: I am the next Larry King

The question on everyone’s minds at this very moment–and don’t deny it–is, “Who should replace Larry King?” Rumored candidates include Piers Morgan, Katie Couric, Ryan Seacrest, Joy Behar and Anderson Cooper.

Really, rumor-mill? You can’t think of people who aren’t already helming their own shows and whatever a Piers Morgan is? (Is it a porn star? Does it f@#k bear markets?) You can’t think of someone who has been denied the chance to embetter America via the airwaves? Someone who promises more tears than Glenn Beck hosting an onion chopping festival with special guest rapper Nut-kickah?

It’s me. Give me the show.

Well…? Fine, here’s my resume, rant-style. Continue reading Take it from Snee: I am the next Larry King

What do you mean there’s more than just food?

Hold on a moment. Just hold the phone.

CNN, are you really telling us that there are restaurants out there where the entire place is blanketed with a theme–perhaps even one of the wacky variety–and that they actually manage to exist in this wide world of ours?

What a wild and truly blessed world we live in.

It’s gonna be HUGE!

In a story that’s probably just trying to divert attention from the drama surrounding his racy performance, American Idol runner-up Adam Lambert used to be a huge, raging … uh … boy. Lambert told CNN that back in high-school he used to be in the upwards of 250 pounds.

What Lambert didn’t tell CNN is that he probably still ways 250 pounds of makeup and eye-liner. Because you know, that’s how you obviously get all thhe dudes that look like chicks.

You Missed It: Muy triste edition

It’s Friday the 13th, you know what that means–it means tomorrow is Saturday the 14th! It is also the holiday season, and I know all of you are planning to get me something, please feel free to email me for gift ideas. If you were busy throwing five picks in a game, odds are you missed it.

Dobbs out
In a surprise move, CNN anchorperson Lou Dobbs announced on his show “Lou Dobbs Tonight” (what are the odds someone named Lou Dobbs would get a show named that, huh?) that he would be leaving CNN at the end of the broadcast Wednesday night. Dobbs was known for his economic views, his conservative stance on illegal immigration and his trademark signoff, “Adios, muchachos!”

Prepare to be Palinized
Remember Sarah Palin? She’s back with her new book, Going Rogue, which was leaked this week. In it, Palin gives her point of view on the feud with the McCain campaign and Katie Couric. The most shocking revelation of the book: her forbidden tryst with then Sen. Joe Biden.

Hey, it beats having a team in Phoenix
NASA announced that not only was the moon bombing successful, but it helped uncover lunar ice. This is an amazing scientific discovery, because, well, I have no idea. However, it increases hockey’s chance as the first sport to be played on the moon.

And Geraldo speaks for the mustachioed

CNN correspondent Soledad O’Brien is well known for being multi-racial. So it makes sense that O’Brien will now be exploring the lives of mixed-race people and their heritage. You’ve gotta like CNN’s approach to coverage. They have Asian people talk about North Korea, Christiane Amanpour covers the Middle East, Roland Martin covers black people, and Lou Dobbs covers crazy old men.

This approach makes total sense, because we all know that reporters can’t actually figure out a story unless it in some way reflects their background. We can’t expect reporters of a different background to be able to report about something that might require some digging, after all.

FOX News also employs this technique by using its army of angry white guys and young blonde women to explore their own cultures.

The McBournie Minute: History That Happened in the Past (1990-1999)

For the U.S. the 1990s was a time of relative peace. To borrow from Dickens, it was the best of times, it was the worst of times. It was a time of oral sex in executive buildings and clear colas. It was a time of grunge and it was a time of Hanson. It was a time of the wild west Internet and it was a time of Y2K fears.

History looks back on the 1990s as yet another decade of self-indulgence. It marked for many the hastening of corporations to catch on to and exploit new trends with the youth, and it was also when gold rimmed glasses were in fashion (I should know). In comparison to the troubles found before and after it, the 1990s seem almost like a party–a party where you have to wear your pants baggy.

Grab your Tamagotchi and hit the jump. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: History That Happened in the Past (1990-1999)

A riddle inside an enigma wrapped around a turd

A Regis Philbin is a solid indicator, too.At a time when it seems the 24-hour news networks aren’t aware of their own banality, CNN asks whether the media has payed too much attention to Jon and Kate Gosselin and the Octomom … in another f$#king article about the Gosselins and the Octomom.

The CNN piece mentions how Kate Gosselin gave an interview last week on NBC’s Today show and Live! With Regis & Kelly, and Nadya “Octomom” Suleman will appear in a two-hour special on Fox.

These are interesting points, except we’re talking about:

  • The Today Show and Regis, two morning zoo shows. These are the big networks’ equivalent of an alarm clock that annoys you out of bed, only with fake tans and cooking segments. Stupid interviews with sad people are kind of standard, considering most of the audience is unemployed or in waiting rooms.
  • Fox Two-Hour Specials. Previous Fox specials have included a bogus alien autopsy, the original When Animals Attack special and extra long segments of Cops and Jerry Springer.

So, way to go, CNN. You’ve managed to be the only “credible” source to cover vagina clown cars today.