You Missed It: Hit the showers edition

Like this, only yellower.

I accidentally sat next to a bag of drugs on the train home yesterday. For a couple stops, I was sitting in a row with someone next to me, then I noticed a woman get up and get off the train, leaving her row empty. I moved over and noticed a shopping bag with some containers and a couple pill bottles. Oh no, someone left their medication on the train! I picked up a bottle to find the owner’s name and contact information, except there was no label — same thing with the other bottle. They contained pills and powder. What if I just stumbled into a drug deal dead drop? I thought about taking the bag and selling the drugs, but as a suburban 30-something parent, I don’t exactly have the connections to move product like that. So I left it there. Someone’s big weekend plans are definitely ruined. If you were busy giving your buddy the Presidential Medal of Freedom this week, odds are you missed it.

Going for gold
This week, CNN and BuzzFeed reported that President Barack Obama and President-elect Donald Trump had been briefed on a series of unverified memos from a former British spy claiming that the Russians were trying to get dirt on Trump to use as leverage against him. One of the leaked documents said Russian spies had recorded Trump getting a golden shower from some prostitutes while in Moscow. Of course Trump likes golden showers. Have you seen his mansions? Golden everything!

Bots tweet about droids
Computer scientists stumbled across a large botnet of Star Wars-related Twitter accounts, it was reported this week. The researchers were taking a sample of Twitter accounts, when they realized they’d come across over 350,000 automated accounts all tweeting random quotes from Star Wars novels. The bots were created a few years ago, and stopped tweeting months after that. They were probably upset that they were no longer canon.

Gone to that big theme park in the sky
SeaWorld held its final killer whale show on Sunday, marking the end of an era. The final show came just couple days after Tillikum, the killer whale in Blackfish, had died. SeaWorld’s really serious about retiring these whales, aren’t they?

Shooting from the hip in the courtroom

Can't fathom walking outside without potentially shooting a "bad guy?" Call the law office of Zimmerman  & That Guy Who Shot Up an SUV in a Parking Lot when you eventually do.
Can’t fathom walking outside without potentially shooting a “bad guy?” Call the law office of Zimmerman & That Guy Who Shot Up an SUV in a Parking Lot when you eventually do.

Not satisfied with being the most hated man in America, George Zimmerman announced that he will pioneer a whole new level of deplorability by becoming a lawyer.

Say what you will about him: any old a**hole could simply rest on his laurels. But, not Mr. Zimmerman. Rather than simply pull the ladder up behind him as King of Dick Mountain, he’s extending a rope down to others who may one day aspire to his level of gratingness:

‘I think that’s the best way to stop the miscarriage of justice that happened to me from happening to someone else. I don’t think it should ever happen to anyone ever again, not one person.’

At least he sort of recognizes that what happened to him (not serving time for shooting an unarmed youth) was miscarriage of justice. Which is why he needs to step up his hooliganry ASAP.

Fire Boehner! And then the speaker after him, too!

He got all over those books in the background, too.
He got all over those books in the background, too.

A new poll from CNN — so, it’s admittedly people who still watch CNN — revealed that 63 percent of Americans want new House Speaker. The current one, Sen. John Boehner (R-Ohio), was elected to his position in 2010 after energized Tea Party voters made Republicans the majority party in the House of Representatives in order to fire then-Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Cali.).

And there’s a pretty solid chance that, no matter who the next speaker is and how he or she performs, they too will eventually have to give up the gavel. Such is the sorry state of democracy: electing one person and then unceremoniously stripping their title away after their term is over and a new one is elected.

The official poll results:

  • 63 percent want Speaker Boehner replaced.
  • 36 percent want Speaker Boehner to stay in his job just to watch him die a little more each day as he balances between pleasing career moderates and enthusiastic hardliners in his party.
  • 1 percent want Speaker Boehner to stop staining their bed sheets orange. And also pick up milk on the way home.

People in glass bathhouses

Rick S@ntorum,* whose three-step policy plan consists of:

Step One: Banning homosexuality and abortion with federal laws.

Step Two: […]

Step Three: Profit!

launched an attack on Herman Cain’s conservatism today after Pizza Godfather Cain told CNN that — while he personally disagrees with abortion and would carry any baby inside of him to term — he would not allow that opinion to dictate policy if he were elected president.

“The government shouldn’t be trying to tell people everything to do, especially when it comes to social decisions that they need to make,” said Cain.

S@ntorum pounced onto that, telling the Associated Press that Cain is misleading voters about his conservative credentials:

“It’s basically the position that just about every pro-choice politician has in America. I don’t know too many pro-choice politicians who are for abortion, who want more abortions … but they say the decision is a choice the government shouldn’t be involved in.”

We asked an even more conservative person about S@ntorum’s comments, and he felt that Rick, too, is misleading voters about his conservative credentials. He pointed out that S@ntorum has yet to speak out against shellfish, campaigning on Sundays and tolerating the sight of menstruating women.

* has a “zero profanity” posting policy in an effort to keep our inanity safe for work.

Sensible costumes just make sense

If you’ve already found your Halloween costume, good for you … unless it’s offensive to somebody. Then you only have 20 days to replace it with something everyone will enjoy.

CNN blog, The Chart, is on the case regarding discontinued (since 2007) costume, Anna Rexia. While it still shows up occasionally in stores because apparently nobody bought it, those same stores have removed it from their shelves. Still, if you didn’t have the chance to be offended four years ago, CNN and — now we — have found an image of it.

As a reminder, any costume from a movie that doesn’t recreate our first viewing experience of said movie is offensive for destroying our childhoods.

(Special thanks to Sarah Lena for the story.)

Take it from Snee: I am the next Larry King

The question on everyone’s minds at this very moment–and don’t deny it–is, “Who should replace Larry King?” Rumored candidates include Piers Morgan, Katie Couric, Ryan Seacrest, Joy Behar and Anderson Cooper.

Really, rumor-mill? You can’t think of people who aren’t already helming their own shows and whatever a Piers Morgan is? (Is it a porn star? Does it f@#k bear markets?) You can’t think of someone who has been denied the chance to embetter America via the airwaves? Someone who promises more tears than Glenn Beck hosting an onion chopping festival with special guest rapper Nut-kickah?

It’s me. Give me the show.

Well…? Fine, here’s my resume, rant-style. Continue reading Take it from Snee: I am the next Larry King

What do you mean there’s more than just food?

Hold on a moment. Just hold the phone.

CNN, are you really telling us that there are restaurants out there where the entire place is blanketed with a theme–perhaps even one of the wacky variety–and that they actually manage to exist in this wide world of ours?

What a wild and truly blessed world we live in.

It’s gonna be HUGE!

In a story that’s probably just trying to divert attention from the drama surrounding his racy performance, American Idol runner-up Adam Lambert used to be a huge, raging … uh … boy. Lambert told CNN that back in high-school he used to be in the upwards of 250 pounds.

What Lambert didn’t tell CNN is that he probably still ways 250 pounds of makeup and eye-liner. Because you know, that’s how you obviously get all thhe dudes that look like chicks.

You Missed It: Muy triste edition

It’s Friday the 13th, you know what that means–it means tomorrow is Saturday the 14th! It is also the holiday season, and I know all of you are planning to get me something, please feel free to email me for gift ideas. If you were busy throwing five picks in a game, odds are you missed it.

Dobbs out
In a surprise move, CNN anchorperson Lou Dobbs announced on his show “Lou Dobbs Tonight” (what are the odds someone named Lou Dobbs would get a show named that, huh?) that he would be leaving CNN at the end of the broadcast Wednesday night. Dobbs was known for his economic views, his conservative stance on illegal immigration and his trademark signoff, “Adios, muchachos!”

Prepare to be Palinized
Remember Sarah Palin? She’s back with her new book, Going Rogue, which was leaked this week. In it, Palin gives her point of view on the feud with the McCain campaign and Katie Couric. The most shocking revelation of the book: her forbidden tryst with then Sen. Joe Biden.

Hey, it beats having a team in Phoenix
NASA announced that not only was the moon bombing successful, but it helped uncover lunar ice. This is an amazing scientific discovery, because, well, I have no idea. However, it increases hockey’s chance as the first sport to be played on the moon.

And Geraldo speaks for the mustachioed

CNN correspondent Soledad O’Brien is well known for being multi-racial. So it makes sense that O’Brien will now be exploring the lives of mixed-race people and their heritage. You’ve gotta like CNN’s approach to coverage. They have Asian people talk about North Korea, Christiane Amanpour covers the Middle East, Roland Martin covers black people, and Lou Dobbs covers crazy old men.

This approach makes total sense, because we all know that reporters can’t actually figure out a story unless it in some way reflects their background. We can’t expect reporters of a different background to be able to report about something that might require some digging, after all.

FOX News also employs this technique by using its army of angry white guys and young blonde women to explore their own cultures.