Tag: CNN

Tattoo Discrimination Update: It’s on

On June 19, 2008, I wrote a post that made fun of people highlighted in a CNN article about being too tattooed to work in the United States. Some of you out there took offense. I hear you.

No, really: I hear you. I hear you in emails, in comments (new ones today), on the riverboats where I play high stakes video poker … I’m sick and tired of hearing you.

I even pretended to take your side on November 26, but nobody bought it. You got me: I was being funny again.

You keep telling me that you’re upset that I could be so discriminatory. Well, I think you’re all talk, Internet tattoo people.

In response to the latest bout of me-bashing in the threads (by a Christian, no less!), I’ve thrown down the gauntlet and issued a challenge:

If you can show me one (1) photograph that proves there is a non-tattooed prisoner on Death Row …

I will get a tattoo. And I will publish it on this site.

And on your web site, too, if you have one, proving to your friends how smart and influential you are (despite your ink).

I will seriously do this. So show me what you’re made of, painted ladies and gentlemen of the Internet.

Again, I am serious. That’s what I do: I’m a SeriouslyGuy.

Email all pics (like they exist!) to rick.snee@seriouslyguys.com. Make sure you tell me who’s in the picture and what they’re in for. I will also post this up on our Web site to show you bested me.

Note: Do NOT send me pictures of tattooed professionals or super-nice people, trying to prove that not everyone who has tattoos is evil. We all know there are a lot of stupid nice people out there, and tattoos are really popular right now. Just like Britney Spears.

Animals introduce germ warfare

Eating monkeys, as it turns out, may not be the healthiest thing for you–unless your idea of health is illness. We know, this sounds like crazy talk, but we feel it is our job to tell you about this concern.

According to a CNN report, people in Africa have turned to eating the local monkey population because of the rising price of food. In some respects, this is good news, because now the people, without incentives from Big Government, are going out and taking the fight to the animals–and winning!

On the other hand, some of these warriors are getting some pretty nasty diseases like monkeypox, which, like chickenpox, can only be caught from contact with its namesake.

So, if you happen to be in Africa and you’re on a safari or scrounging for food or whatever, do not eat monkeys, no matter how tasty they look. However, it’s perfectly OK to kill them. They are our enemies after all, and we must stop their attempts at germ warfare.

The biggest case of the year

It’s a slow news week, we get that much. Here at SG, we thrive on the stories that don’t always make it to the front page, but when the major news corporations start doing that, you know it’s almost time for a holiday.

Just yesterday, still only a matter of hours ago, CNN broke a shocking story in Massachusetts: there’s a piano in the woods! Luckily the Harwich, Massachusetts police are on the case, and they always get their piano man.

As if this were not enough, the details that have come out so far from the case have been nothing short of shocking.

“Discovered by a woman who was walking a trail, the Baldwin Acrosonic piano, model number 987, is intact–and, apparently, in tune.”

Mother of god, no! Why did it have to be a Baldwin Acrosonic piano, much less model number 987, which is the deadliest model number of all Baldwin Acrosonic pianos out there? And intact? Sweet C minor, we’re all doomed! What kind of diabolic mind would set up such a music instrument?

Stay in your homes, people of Harwich! You never know what other dangerous musical instruments you might stumble across trespassing in the woods.

Mini-How To: Dump your boyfriend

So CNN is hemming and hawing about how not dump a guy. See, the author, Judy McGuire, is worried that you’ll hurt your boyfriend’s feelings by dumping him the wrong way.

Let’s cut to the chase, shall we? There’s only one foolproof way to dump a guy without hurting his feelings: set him up with one of your hotter friends.

Which friend, you ask? The one with the biggest boobies. Or the one that decided to go to school instead of become a model. If all else fails, go with the one with the most exotically colored pubic hair.

He won’t care about anything else you have to say. Best of all, when that relationship is over, he won’t stalk you.

Once again, CNN–we’ve warned you about this before. We write the Thursday How To segments and you stick to panda stories. Deal? Deal.

Hey, we write the ‘How Tos!’

Once again, another “recognized” media outlet is cramping our style. This time, it’s long-time reader/often linking to us CNN.

Look at their site today, and what do you find? “How to keep your kids pain-free.”

This work of outright theft is a numbered list of steps in bold font, followed by a paragraph or three of regular-font details.

Here’s an example from their “own” Web site:

5. Don’t be afraid of opiates

Opiates can help a child in severe pain, and the risks are small, pediatric pain experts say.

The sad part is, not only did they steal one of our features — which also runs on Thursdays — but they did it wrong.

You don’t make your kids pain-free with pinwheels and drugs; you burn all their nerves off at an early age before memories last. Think of it as a follow-up procedure to a circumcision or ear-piercing.

SG News Flash!!!!1OMFG!!!

The Guys have just received these news bulletins from CNN and the AP about this election’s Democratic Primary.

You’re probably thinking, “These are news flashes?” Don’t be so dismissive. Unlike all those other “Obama won, Clinton stays in race” stories, these were dated June 3, 2008. Any other story with the same exact subject matter, content and headline — but an earlier date  — is not a hot scoop.

Carry on, if you can.

UPDATE (6/3/2008):
CNN has updated their “Clinton refuses to concede” story of the day with news that she will accept a VP nomination. However, she also wanted to make it very clear that she will still not concede, which makes up over 3/4 of the story.

But kudos to CNN for at least changing the headline.

Truthful Headline of the Day

CNN didn’t pull any punches with today’s Headline of the Day: “A puking bride, crazy squirrel and a fire.”

No, it’s not a bunch of highlights from a Passover holiday special — it’s about weddings, which is a hot topic this time of year. Chances are, if you’ve recently graduated college, you have about 20 of these to go to all year.

If you’re lucky, maybe you, too, will have an interesting story to tell. Unless it’s open-bar; then there are no stories to remember.

Misleading Headline of the Day

If you’ve tuned into CNN’s Web site today, you either jumped for joy or mournfully prank-called Larry King as Baba Booey’s testicles after reading this headline.

Just to recap:

Update (4/28/2008):
After linking to CNN’s original article, “Howard Stern comic dies at 39,” they changed the headline to read, “Howard Stern contributor dies at 39.” Don’t let Ted Turner tell you otherwise: The Guys own CNN!

Schadenfreude: Feel better about your secret closet kink

Do like reporting? Enjoy CNN, but just hate some of the dirt-bags that give you the news? While we’re at it, do like enjoy hamsters, candles and guys in leather named Steve? Then take ease, noble citizen, that there are most certainly individuals out there that are way more kinkier than you are!

Better minds than those that belong to The Guys have no doubt been coming up with plenty of fantastic headlines all this past weekend to describe the strange case of CNN reporter Richard Quest, who was arrested in Central Park last week with what law enforcement agents described as “a rope around his neck that was tied to his genitals, and a sex toy in his boot.” Ew.

In the meantime, we’re just gonna take this opportunity to remind you once again that meth is one helluva of a drug, kids.

Do not adjust your monitor

Today’s Picture of the Day comes from Saini Sunpura, India, where a baby was born with two faces.

Both faces are functional, the father saying that “she drinks milk from her two mouths and opens and shuts all the four eyes at one time.” She also shows no signs of respiratory problems.

All should be well in India, unless she grows up to become the District Attorney of a city plagued with supervillains who will burn one of her faces with acid. There’s no fate worse than being played by Tommy Lee Jones. (“Gosh, we won’t need as much fake burned skin with his already cratered face!”)

Of course, her parents will be disqualified from settling their disputes with a baby toss. She’s twice as likely to land on heads.

Image Source: “Baby with two faces worshipped as a goddess,” CNN. 9 April 2008.