Study: We’re not as manly as we used to be

The internet trolls are right, men today just aren’t as manly as they used to be. But it’s not how they think it is. Turns out we don’t have as many swimmers.

Between 1973 and 2011, men’s sperm counts have dropped by more than half, according to a new study. That means that you’re not as potent as hairy, mustachioed men of the early 70s. But it’s not something that’s happening to men worldwide, it’s only men in western countries that have fewer sperm. Researchers think it’s related to weight, lack of exercise and smoking.

That’s not fair. Men in the 70s used cocaine to stay thin, the only exercise was disco dancing and everyone smoked.


Santa arrested for selling drugs … again

It’s still the off-season for Santa Claus, and even though he’s on vacation, he’s been busy with his side gig: selling drugs.

Back around Christmas, we told you that Santa Claus got arrested in Jacksonville, Florida, for selling drugs. It seems that the jolly old elf didn’t learn his lesson, because police picked him up in the Florida Keys selling again. According to authorities, Fidel Gutierrez, which is apparently the name Claus is going by right now, sold cocaine to undercover police officers six times in February and March. In his defense, those officers had wished for coke.

Should we really be shocked that a guy with white hair and a white beard selling snow?

Cocaine traffickers blow it

Unsurprisingly, nobody is claiming either the drugs or bags from Lost and Found.

Sometimes, when an airline loses your luggage, you don’t put up a big fuss to find it, whether that’s because it’s filled with strange sex toys you’d rather not fess to or, oh, say … $60 million dollars’ worth of cocaine.

We don’t know what went through the minds of the “organized crime” syndicate that police suspect packed 360 kg of coke in neon-colored duffel bags and then lost somewhere in the ocean. We don’t know what happened to the traffickers and if they’ll be easy to find in matching Body Glove swimsuits. All we do know is that it was all very easy to find once it started washing ashore at Great Yarmouth in the U.K., some 140 miles (200 km) northeast of London.

Between the bright colors and the amount of cocaine, this should serve as a dire warning to anyone who tries this hard to ever bring back the ’80s again.

Reading your spam folder could make cocaine dangerous!

"Dear lord, if I am to die, please let someone clear my browser history before my mom and Forensics go through my stuff. Just not for the usual reason."
“Dear lord, if I am to die, please let someone clear my browser history before my mom and Forensics go through my stuff. Just not for the usual reason.”

Professional basketball player and Kardashian-by-association, Lamar Odom was reportedly found collapsed in a Nevada brothel, allegedly with cocaine and “herbal Viagra” in his system. So, now we know why there are so many of those “b1gger member5 w(n)ow” emails from h0rny Go@t 2de in our spam email folder: because they worked on Lamar Odom.

That is to say that the emails worked. Whether the pills work is a question that the media is desperately trying to answer. It is critical to find out right now if off-brand Viagra from Canadian pharmacies will kill us.

After all, it would be a tragedy if all of the positive health effects of f*cking cocaine were somehow nullified.

You Missed It: Ugly cry edition

Keep it together, man.
Keep it together, man.

I’m having a tough time wrapping my head around the song for the new James Bond movie. “Writing’s on the Wall” is Sam Smith’s take on a theme song for spy thriller, and for some reason it’s slow and seemingly filled with self-doubt, which is the opposite of Bond. While the songs from Bond films are a mixed bag at best, at least they usually feel like they belong in a movie filled with explosions and easy women. The thing is, I can’t figure out which Tom Petty song Smith is stealing from this time.

The audacity of pope
Pope Francis started his tour of the U.S. this week by spending three days in Washington, D.C. He met with government officials, ate lunch with Catholic charities, and even addressed a joint session of Congress. The very next day, House Speaker John Boehner announced he will resign next month. No doubt because he allowed the literal head of a foreign religion to come in and tell us what we should do.

Das illegal
It was discovered this week that Volkswagen cheated on its emissions tests for its diesel cars for years in the U.S. and Germany. The company initially denied the claim, which means it supplied it, according to emissions playground rules. CEO Martin Winterkorn apologized and stepped down from his post. Worst of all, he has been uninvited to all the cool Oktoberfest events.

It’s officially fall
Port police in Philadelphia intercepted a shipment of 360 pounds of cocaine hidden inside pumpkins imported from Costa Rica, authorities said this week. Man, pumpkin spice is in everything this time of year.

… Yeah, but have you read Hamlet on weed?

You can't unsee his stoned expression now. Or his earring.
You can’t unsee his stoned expression now. Or his earring.

William Shakespeare has been busted for possession of paraphernalia containing residue of cannabis and cocaine. South African researches found the evidence of drug use in “tobacco” residue from pipes in his home. This could help explain why his work got much more chill and arty after Titus Andronicus.

Of course, not everyone’s on board with Shakespeare using the same substances as the Hollywood directors that adapt his works. The curator of the Shakespeare Birthplace Trust museum, Ann Donnelly, noted that “people love to come up with reasons for saying Shakespeare was not a genius. I don’t think there’s any proof that he was helped in any way by taking narcotic substances.”

It’s probably worth mentioning that the pipes were loaned to the South African team by the Shakespeare Birthplace Trust. So, if that pot isn’t Shakespeare’s, then Ms. Donnelly has some explaining to do. (But, seriously, who could resist packing the Bard’s bowl?)

Pope to get higher than himself in Bolivia

God may now be OK with cocaine.

When he visits Bolivia in July, Pope Francis plans to eat coca leaves, the main ingredient in cocaine. People deal with the country’s high elevation by getting high off the leaves apparently. The pope has specifically asked to chew coca leaves.

In related news, Pope Francis’ itinerary has him up and talking with people for 48 hours straight.


Don’t have kids, they’re total narcs

Don’t have kids, or associate with people who do. They will unknowingly rat you out every time.

Police in Florida stopped a car with three adults and an 11-month-old boy. They found that one of the passengers was a recently released inmate, and asked everyone to step out of the car. They asked the woman riding shotgun, Candyce Harden, to take the boy out of the car, so that they could search the vehicle for narcotics. The cops didn’t find anything, and they were just about to finish up when the boy reached into Harden’s shirt and pulled out a bag of cocaine like he was pulling a rabbit out of a hat.

As you might imagine, things didn’t go so well after that. And it was all because of a kid.

Now we know why the Chiquita banana girl never stops dancing

Inner city Berliners prefer to freebase their banana cocaine.
Inner city Berliners prefer to freebase their banana cocaine.

If  you’re a Berliner and wondering when your grocer would start stoking coke in the produce aisle … you’re gonna have to wait for another shipment.

Drug smugglers accidentally delivered over 300 pounds of cocaine to five Berlin supermarkets. They were hidden in boxes with bananas, so that means that somewhere some very bad men are very disappointed with crates of just bananas. (However, eating some of that loot may just calm them down with serotonin before they go all Scarface on their underlings.)

But, this is good news for those of us who can’t get enough bananas in our mouths. It might just be a simple drug addiction from shipping contamination and not anything Freudian.

Bonus Quote:

Berlin police described the shipping mistake as a ‘logistical error.’

Getting to the creamy center of addiction

Even coloring is more addictive than cocaine.
Even coloring is more addictive than cocaine.

Researchers at Connecticut College found that, based on brain scans indicating stimulation of pleasure centers, Oreos may be more addictive that morphine or cocai

— You know what? We can’t do this anymore.

It’s pretty clear that if tobacco, orgasms and now cookies that take more steps to eat than changing a lightbulb are more addictive than drugs … then maybe, maybe we need to reconsider what we use as our baseline measurement of addiction.

We’re not saying cocaine isn’t addictive. Just that, you know, maybe we should start comparing all other addictions to something more substantive if everything’s more addictive than cocaine.