It’s a Matryoshka doll of drugs

Jamaica may have a bit of stereotype problem when it comes to drugs. Mind you, that’s always been relegated to just marijuana. The country appears to be not so lenient (attitude-wise) toward other illegal paraphernalia. So, what’s a smuggler to do when it comes to that area?

Obviously the smart thing is to smuggle cocaine via an X-Box.

At least, that’s what I can gather from the growing trend that seems to have arisen from using Microsoft’s first gaming console as a means to transport cocaine. Well, sort of. The problem is that these stories seem to be ending in the drugs not being delivered. Perhaps a new method might be required? I recommend the original Game Boy!

Coke hides better when it’s all hidden

In MORE cocaine-related news

Carlos Valenzuela was driving around Texas the other day, minding his own business, when he forgot to signal a turn at an intersection. For this minor oversight, he was pulled over, and should have got off with a warning/ticket.

That’s how the story would’ve ended if he hadn’t had three giant bricks of cocaine inside his car, two of which were hidden inside an Xbox 360 console. The third was lying in the passenger seat. Whoops.

He was caught with 1.8 kilograms of cocaine, and has been charged with “manufacture or delivery of a controlled substance”.

Now, I’m not a drug czar or drug kingpin or a drug magnate or even a drug janitor; however, I’d think that if you’re going to transport that much nose candy, you’d at least do a really good job of hiding ALL of the drugs, much less being meticulously aware of how you’re driving.

It’s definitely no condom-balloon

I’m a guy. I’ll readily admit that I’m not an overly-intelligent guy. I don’t have multiple degrees or advanced degrees in science. I’ll also readily admit that I’m not entirely sure how women work. At the risk of this being read and I become lynched, I”ll just say that women have “special abilities” that I don’t understand.

That said, I don’t know, maybe a tampon stuffed with cocaine could work pretty well. I won’t sit here and pretend to say that it’s a good idea, but I won’t necessarily destroy it either. Apparently Cindy Davidson of Salt Lake City thought it was a bad idea. I mean, yes, it probably is a bad thing to be exposed to when your aunt comes to visit, but until there are studies confirming that, I can’t guarantee it. So there.


Cocaine is a helluva disease

I’ve heard from people both famous and not famous that getting high on cocaine is a fantastic high. Life feels amazing, you feel great and people look better. Sure, the come down is rough, but when the high is that great, what could make you want to not do the drug?

A flesh-eating disease would usually rank as one of the options, at least, I would think.

Said disease has begun appearing in outbreaks in New York and Los Angeles. It’s being reported that the cocaine is being mixed with levamisole, a drug normally used by vets to treat farm animals, and thanks to the skin-rotting effects of the drug, users are seeing their skin turn black with dying skin. Oh, and one last wonderful tidbit: over 80 percent of the country’s coke supply has the veterinarian drug in it. So there’s that.

Snort well, people.

’80s nostalgia hits DC fourth graders

Four students from Washington, D.C. Thomson Elementary School were hospitalized for consuming an unknown quantity of cocaine while at school.

Nobody knows how one of the students obtained the coke, although it could have been one of those fabled free samples from the neighborhood dealer that D.A.R.E. warned us about. However, the four are reportedly fine and–aside from some sore throats–exhibited no other symptoms.

Oh, and they also:

  • wrote a screenplay for an action movie,
  • recorded a guitar-solo-heavy rock concept album about robots from the future,
  • talked to three women apiece (“eights” and above) about world piece
  • and invented a new type of calendar that replaces the leap year with a quarter day in February because your brain doesn’t move fast enough to interpret time in waves and rays.

Basically, what we’re saying is that cocaine is a hell of a drug.

Coke and porn stars only funny when implied?

Now that Egypt’s Jasmine Revolution is over as far as Americans are concerned, we can resume our focus on domestic issues. And that domestic issue is Charlie Sheen.

In the latest chapter of what will undoubtably fill future history books, Chuck Lorre–creator of Two and a Half Men–has called Sheen out in those two-second long screens at the end of his shows’ credits. With shooting on hiatus until Sheen gets his porn star and coke habit in control, Lorre wrote that he will be pissed if Sheen outlives him.

Seriously? A show is on hold because the lead actor in a show loosely based on his actual life because of porn stars and coke? Just move the cameras to his house and start taping off the cuff. The kid’s old enough for his own Valtrex prescription, so let’s dump with the innuendo and make Jon Cryer really uncomfortable on set.

It’s gotta be more interesting than whatever Kardashians do.

Always 7X Cola

The secret is out! Coca-Cola is people! Actually, not really. As it is, the secret behind Coke’s proprietary mixture of sugar, water, caramel color and more sugar, may have actually been exposed 32 years ago in an article in the Atlanta Journal-Constitution.

Accordingly, the 1979 article not only lists the obvious ingredients used in Coke, such as sugar, citric acid and caffeine, but also breaks down the mysterious “7X,” Coke’s most closely guarded secret. People have died for less, we assume.

So, what’s in 7X? Not cocaine, sadly fortunately. On the contrary, the reports are saying it’s a mixture of alcohol, oils from oranges, lemons and nutmeg, coriander, cinnamon, and neroli. Good luck using the information to make your own version of Coke. It lacks high-fructose corn syrup, but that doesn’t make it any easier to make it in your mom’s basement.

Won’t gaming stop thinking about the children?

Hey! You! Get off of the game box! Or at least, get off of it after using the machine for an hour and 59 minutes. Why so? According to Steve Pope, a counselor and therapist in the United Kingdom, if you gamed for two hours, you just did the equivalent of a line of cocaine.


“A lot of young people get themselves into a situation where they use video games as an escape from the world and they get hooked on the release of adrenaline it gives,” says Pope. “Spending two hours on a game station is equivalent to taking a line of cocaine in the high it produces.”

Pope goes on to claim that gaming is the “fastest growing addiction” in the UK and is affecting youth mentally as well as causing problems like obesity.

“I saw one 14-year-old Preston boy who played on games for 24 hours non stop and had not eaten and was showing signs of dehydration,” he adds. “When his parents tried to take his console away, he became aggressive and threatened to jump out of a window.”

There are also children, he warns, that have been stealing from their parents to buy video games. Just imagine if they were actually doing coke! There are even therapists who are addicted to making all sorts of melodramatic claims. Shock! Shock and horror!

Clearly, gaming is one helluva drug.

V-Day is coming, have you bought your drug-laden gift yet?

This Valentine’s Day, give her the gift she’ll really enjoy–the gift 20 lbs of cocaine.

Clearly, that is what someone had in mind in Amsterdam. Among a shipment of 20,000 roses from Colombia, airport authorities found something a little extra. It was shipped in the same cellophane packets that the roses had been shipped in.

We know they jack up the price on roses this time of year, but this could be an indicator as to why.

You know what we mean

English majors all look the same.When it comes to sentence structure and self-editing, it’s painfully obvious that most people around us don’t care. We see it in places of business, in advertisements and on the entire Internet.

Sometimes, yes, we’re nitpicking when we point out your errors in written communication. We still “knew what you meant.”

Maybe we were acting like Grammar Nazis all along: rounding up your mistakes, relegating them to ghettos and then eventually exporting them to slave labor camps where your misplaced apostrophes were worked to death, medically-experimented on and gassed before they were cremated and buried in mass graves. Perhaps you weren’t exaggerating at all.

Of course … it only took one typo to set a man convicted of possessing over 100 grams of cocaine (who is also wanted for weapons violations) free.