Tagged: cocaine

| Filed under Facepalm

Cocaine traffickers blow it

Unsurprisingly, nobody is claiming either the drugs or bags from Lost and Found.

Sometimes, when an airline loses your luggage, you don’t put up a big fuss to find it, whether that’s because it’s filled with strange sex toys you’d rather not fess to or, oh, say … $60 million dollars’ worth of cocaine.

We don’t know what went through the minds of the “organized crime” syndicate that police suspect packed 360 kg of coke in neon-colored duffel bags and then lost somewhere in the ocean. We don’t know what happened to the traffickers and if they’ll be easy to find in matching Body Glove swimsuits. All we do know is that it was all very easy to find once it started washing ashore at Great Yarmouth in the U.K., some 140 miles (200 km) northeast of London.

Between the bright colors and the amount of cocaine, this should serve as a dire warning to anyone who tries this hard to ever bring back the ’80s again.

| Filed under Facepalm, Too Soon?

Reading your spam folder could make cocaine dangerous!

"Dear lord, if I am to die, please let someone clear my browser history before my mom and Forensics go through my stuff. Just not for the usual reason."
“Dear lord, if I am to die, please let someone clear my browser history before my mom and Forensics go through my stuff. Just not for the usual reason.”

Professional basketball player and Kardashian-by-association, Lamar Odom was reportedly found collapsed in a Nevada brothel, allegedly with cocaine and “herbal Viagra” in his system. So, now we know why there are so many of those “b1gger member5 w(n)ow” emails from h0rny Go@t 2de in our spam email folder: because they worked on Lamar Odom.

That is to say that the emails worked. Whether the pills work is a question that the media is desperately trying to answer. It is critical to find out right now if off-brand Viagra from Canadian pharmacies will kill us.

After all, it would be a tragedy if all of the positive health effects of f*cking cocaine were somehow nullified.

| Filed under You Missed It

You Missed It: Ugly cry edition

Keep it together, man.
Keep it together, man.

I’m having a tough time wrapping my head around the song for the new James Bond movie. “Writing’s on the Wall” is Sam Smith’s take on a theme song for spy thriller, and for some reason it’s slow and seemingly filled with self-doubt, which is the opposite of Bond. While the songs from Bond films are a mixed bag at best, at least they usually feel like they belong in a movie filled with explosions and easy women. The thing is, I can’t figure out which Tom Petty song Smith is stealing from this time.

The audacity of pope
Pope Francis started his tour of the U.S. this week by spending three days in Washington, D.C. He met with government officials, ate lunch with Catholic charities, and even addressed a joint session of Congress. The very next day, House Speaker John Boehner announced he will resign next month. No doubt because he allowed the literal head of a foreign religion to come in and tell us what we should do.

Das illegal
It was discovered this week that Volkswagen cheated on its emissions tests for its diesel cars for years in the U.S. and Germany. The company initially denied the claim, which means it supplied it, according to emissions playground rules. CEO Martin Winterkorn apologized and stepped down from his post. Worst of all, he has been uninvited to all the cool Oktoberfest events.

It’s officially fall
Port police in Philadelphia intercepted a shipment of 360 pounds of cocaine hidden inside pumpkins imported from Costa Rica, authorities said this week. Man, pumpkin spice is in everything this time of year.

| Filed under Regular Post

… Yeah, but have you read Hamlet on weed?

You can't unsee his stoned expression now. Or his earring.
You can’t unsee his stoned expression now. Or his earring.

William Shakespeare has been busted for possession of paraphernalia containing residue of cannabis and cocaine. South African researches found the evidence of drug use in “tobacco” residue from pipes in his home. This could help explain why his work got much more chill and arty after Titus Andronicus.

Of course, not everyone’s on board with Shakespeare using the same substances as the Hollywood directors that adapt his works. The curator of the Shakespeare Birthplace Trust museum, Ann Donnelly, noted that “people love to come up with reasons for saying Shakespeare was not a genius. I don’t think there’s any proof that he was helped in any way by taking narcotic substances.”

It’s probably worth mentioning that the pipes were loaned to the South African team by the Shakespeare Birthplace Trust. So, if that pot isn’t Shakespeare’s, then Ms. Donnelly has some explaining to do. (But, seriously, who could resist packing the Bard’s bowl?)

| Filed under Popewatch!

Pope to get higher than himself in Bolivia

God may now be OK with cocaine.

When he visits Bolivia in July, Pope Francis plans to eat coca leaves, the main ingredient in cocaine. People deal with the country’s high elevation by getting high off the leaves apparently. The pope has specifically asked to chew coca leaves.

In related news, Pope Francis’ itinerary has him up and talking with people for 48 hours straight.

 

| Filed under Regular Post

Don’t have kids, they’re total narcs

Don’t have kids, or associate with people who do. They will unknowingly rat you out every time.

Police in Florida stopped a car with three adults and an 11-month-old boy. They found that one of the passengers was a recently released inmate, and asked everyone to step out of the car. They asked the woman riding shotgun, Candyce Harden, to take the boy out of the car, so that they could search the vehicle for narcotics. The cops didn’t find anything, and they were just about to finish up when the boy reached into Harden’s shirt and pulled out a bag of cocaine like he was pulling a rabbit out of a hat.

As you might imagine, things didn’t go so well after that. And it was all because of a kid.

| Filed under Facepalm

Now we know why the Chiquita banana girl never stops dancing

Inner city Berliners prefer to freebase their banana cocaine.
Inner city Berliners prefer to freebase their banana cocaine.

If  you’re a Berliner and wondering when your grocer would start stoking coke in the produce aisle … you’re gonna have to wait for another shipment.

Drug smugglers accidentally delivered over 300 pounds of cocaine to five Berlin supermarkets. They were hidden in boxes with bananas, so that means that somewhere some very bad men are very disappointed with crates of just bananas. (However, eating some of that loot may just calm them down with serotonin before they go all Scarface on their underlings.)

But, this is good news for those of us who can’t get enough bananas in our mouths. It might just be a simple drug addiction from shipping contamination and not anything Freudian.

Bonus Quote:

Berlin police described the shipping mistake as a ‘logistical error.’

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, What a Reach!

Getting to the creamy center of addiction

Even coloring is more addictive than cocaine.
Even coloring is more addictive than cocaine.

Researchers at Connecticut College found that, based on brain scans indicating stimulation of pleasure centers, Oreos may be more addictive that morphine or cocai

— You know what? We can’t do this anymore.

It’s pretty clear that if tobacco, orgasms and now cookies that take more steps to eat than changing a lightbulb are more addictive than drugs … then maybe, maybe we need to reconsider what we use as our baseline measurement of addiction.

We’re not saying cocaine isn’t addictive. Just that, you know, maybe we should start comparing all other addictions to something more substantive if everything’s more addictive than cocaine.

| Filed under Facepalm, It Must Be Science!

U.S. no longer able to win wars against poorly-defined, intangible things

So, things are not looking good for the “War on Drugs.” Well, if you’re ag’in’em, anyway.

While drug busts and seizures are up, the prices of cocaine, heroin and marijuana are way down. On top of that, their purity has also gone up significantly. All together, this means that, yes, Western governments are “catching lots of bad guys” and “getting drugs off the streets.” But, only because there’s so much of it that it’s a buyers’ market now.

Based on new research, bragging about a successful drug raid is like bragging about finding a Tickle Me Elmo in the toy store ... today, not in 1996.
Based on new research, bragging about a successful drug raid is like bragging about finding a Tickle Me Elmo in the toy store … today, not in 1996.

It’s times like these when The Guys are glad that we stick to realistic, winnable wars, like our wars on animals, robots, aliens, education and art.

| Filed under What a Reach!

That’s some vaguely sexist police work there, Lou

police-pinata-stick
It’s a good thing that she aroused police suspicions in Columbia and not Mexico. Those officers look for candy in fake bellies.

Known to pull out of an social situation at a moment’s notice, the Guys don’t know a lot about babies or pregnancy. And we’ve proven on several occasions that we barely know women. (And three out of four of us are married or engaged to fully-documented women.)

So, we’ll just take it on faith from the airport police in Colombia that pregnant women just love to discuss their pregnancy and allow strangers to touch their bellies. And if they exhibit any reticence to either, then they must have something to hide.

In the case of the Bitchy Pregnant Canadian in Terminal C, it turned out that she was smuggling cocaine. So, way to go, weirdly sexist policewoman’s intuition!