It’s still the off-season for Santa Claus, and even though he’s on vacation, he’s been busy with his side gig: selling drugs.
Back around Christmas, we told you that Santa Claus got arrested in Jacksonville, Florida, for selling drugs. It seems that the jolly old elf didn’t learn his lesson, because police picked him up in the Florida Keys selling again. According to authorities, Fidel Gutierrez, which is apparently the name Claus is going by right now, sold cocaine to undercover police officers six times in February and March. In his defense, those officers had wished for coke.
Should we really be shocked that a guy with white hair and a white beard selling snow?
Sometimes, when an airline loses your luggage, you don’t put up a big fuss to find it, whether that’s because it’s filled with strange sex toys you’d rather not fess to or, oh, say …$60 million dollars’ worth of cocaine.
Professional basketball player and Kardashian-by-association, Lamar Odom was reportedly found collapsed in a Nevada brothel, allegedly with cocaine and “herbal Viagra” in his system. So, now we know why there are so many of those “b1gger member5 w(n)ow” emails from h0rny Go@t 2de in our spam email folder: because they worked on Lamar Odom.
I’m having a tough time wrapping my head around the song for the new James Bond movie. “Writing’s on the Wall” is Sam Smith’s take on a theme song for spy thriller, and for some reason it’s slow and seemingly filled with self-doubt, which is the opposite of Bond. While the songs from Bond films are a mixed bag at best, at least they usually feel like they belong in a movie filled with explosions and easy women. The thing is, I can’t figure out which Tom Petty song Smith is stealing from this time.
The audacity of pope
Pope Francis started his tour of the U.S. this week by spending three days in Washington, D.C. He met with government officials, ate lunch with Catholic charities, and even addressed a joint session of Congress. The very next day, House Speaker John Boehner announced he will resign next month. No doubt because he allowed the literal head of a foreign religion to come in and tell us what we should do.
It was discovered this week that Volkswagen cheated on its emissions tests for its diesel cars for years in the U.S. and Germany. The company initially denied the claim, which means it supplied it, according to emissions playground rules. CEO Martin Winterkorn apologized and stepped down from his post. Worst of all, he has been uninvited to all the cool Oktoberfest events.
It’s officially fall
Port police in Philadelphia intercepted a shipment of 360 pounds of cocaine hidden inside pumpkins imported from Costa Rica, authorities said this week. Man, pumpkin spice is in everything this time of year.
Of course, not everyone’s on board with Shakespeare using the same substances as the Hollywood directors that adapt his works. The curator of the Shakespeare Birthplace Trust museum, Ann Donnelly, noted that “people love to come up with reasons for saying Shakespeare was not a genius. I don’t think there’s any proof that he was helped in any way by taking narcotic substances.”
It’s probably worth mentioning that the pipes were loaned to the South African team by the Shakespeare Birthplace Trust. So, if that pot isn’t Shakespeare’s, then Ms. Donnelly has some explaining to do. (But, seriously, who could resist packing the Bard’s bowl?)
When he visits Bolivia in July, Pope Francis plans to eat coca leaves, the main ingredient in cocaine. People deal with the country’s high elevation by getting high off the leaves apparently. The pope has specifically asked to chew coca leaves.
In related news, Pope Francis’ itinerary has him up and talking with people for 48 hours straight.
Don’t have kids, or associate with people who do. They will unknowingly rat you out every time.
Police in Florida stopped a car with three adults and an 11-month-old boy. They found that one of the passengers was a recently released inmate, and asked everyone to step out of the car. They asked the woman riding shotgun, Candyce Harden, to take the boy out of the car, so that they could search the vehicle for narcotics. The cops didn’t find anything, and they were just about to finish up when the boy reached into Harden’s shirt and pulled out a bag of cocaine like he was pulling a rabbit out of a hat.
As you might imagine, things didn’t go so well after that. And it was all because of a kid.
If you’re a Berliner and wondering when your grocer would start stoking coke in the produce aisle … you’re gonna have to wait for another shipment.
Drug smugglers accidentally delivered over 300 pounds of cocaine to five Berlin supermarkets. They were hidden in boxes with bananas, so that means that somewhere some very bad men are very disappointed with crates of just bananas. (However, eating some of that loot may just calm them down with serotonin before they go all Scarface on their underlings.)
But, this is good news for those of us who can’t get enough bananas in our mouths. It might just be a simple drug addiction from shipping contamination and not anything Freudian.
Berlin police described the shipping mistake as a ‘logistical error.’
It’s pretty clear that if tobacco, orgasms and now cookies that take more steps to eat than changing a lightbulb are more addictive than drugs … then maybe, maybe we need to reconsider what we use as our baseline measurement of addiction.
We’re not saying cocaine isn’t addictive. Just that, you know, maybe we should start comparing all other addictions to something more substantive if everything’s more addictive than cocaine.
So, things are not looking good for the “War on Drugs.” Well, if you’re ag’in’em, anyway.
While drug busts and seizures are up, the prices of cocaine, heroin and marijuana are way down. On top of that, their purity has also gone up significantly. All together, this means that, yes, Western governments are “catching lots of bad guys” and “getting drugs off the streets.” But, only because there’s so much of it that it’s a buyers’ market now.
It’s times like these when The Guys are glad that we stick to realistic, winnable wars, like our wars on animals, robots, aliens, education and art.