Ickiness from above: Cockroaches can fly

If you’re in the part of the U.S. that’s experiencing a heat wave right now, you probably can’t imagine how things could get any nastier. Our advice to you is to watch your head.

Scientists say that you’re more likely to encounter a flying cockroach when it’s hot out. Hot, humid environments are ideal for the American cockroach to fly, so the hotter and steamier it gets, the more likely they are to go airborne. And because the American cockroach has well-developed wings, as opposed to other roach species around the world, this is uniquely an American problem.

Yet another reason to stay inside.

Scientists want you to drink cockroach milk

Are you hungry? Do you want to not be? Then read on!

The world’s resources are only so vast, and people need to eat. That means that science needs to find ways to keep our exploding population fed with that we have. Sometimes, that takes us down a dark, dark road.

The next step on that path is cockroach milk. The Pacific beetle cockroach may not technically have nipples, but it gives birth to live young, which is rare in the insect world. To sustain its young while they are embryos, the roach forms protein crystals. Scientists think they can sequence and reproduce the crystals. That means a nutritious beverage that comes from cockroaches, of all things, could save humanity.

But what mixes well with it?

Attack of the cyborg roaches

Roaches are bad, but they are easily taken care of. Robot roaches? That’s a different story.

Scientists in Japan are putting batteries on roaches in an effort to control them. Their plan is that by creating cyborg bugs they can check radiation and air quality levels, helping to keep cities clean.

Or they’re just failing to see that they are creating the perfect instrument to bring down all of mankind.

Cockroaches 2: The New Batch

La cucaracha! La cucaracha! Es más fuerte que tú! La cucaracha! La cucaracha! Vamos a necesitar un fuerte resfriado!

I’m about to tell you something that’s unheard of and completely shocking: there are immigrants in New York City.

No, really. Somehow, an Asian species of cockroach has immigrated into the United States. Yes, more cockroaches are always bad, but it’s worse this time, as this species is slightly more resistant to the cold temperatures than you’d think.

What’s this mean? We need the old vermin to take out the new vermin so that we can kill the old vermin before they take on the adaptive traits of the new vermin.

There are roaches in your medicine

No one ever said the War on Animals was simple. Even one of the most active countries in fighting out battle may not be completely on humanity’s side.

According to reports, cockroach farms are a real industry in China. Apparently, people farm millions of these things and turn a good profit. How? They are used for cosmetic and medicinal purposes. The pests are a source of protein, and the coating on their wings is prized.

So, maybe stay away from makeup imported from China.

Cockroaches still the best Boy Scouts ever

As if surviving nuclear apocalypse wasn’t enough, new research suggests that cockroaches are also prepared to make it through climate change, as well. Just great.

Science has known for some time that, when cockroaches are resting, they periodically stop breathing for up to 40 minutes, but it took researchers at the University of Queensland in Brisbane, Australia, to discover just why they did so. The team, led by Natalie Schimpf, found that cockroaches’ breathing is related to water as opposed to oxygen concentration or carbon dioxide, as previously theorized.

Cockroaches lose water across their respiratory surfaces when they breathe… so taking shorter breaths in dry conditions reduces the amount of water they will lose.

So why does this mean that they’re environmentally invincible?

Living in the humid conditions of a rain forest, where they evolved, might be plain sailing, but cockroaches are adaptable and can cope in a wide range of environmental conditions… Two hundred and fifty million years of physiological fine tuning has produced a creature that will be around for a long time to come. Cockroaches, I’m afraid to say, will do well in the face of climate change.

So that’s that, everyone. Perhaps the War on Animals may finally be over-and we may lose. Our best bet now? To either create our own half human, half roach DNA splice hybrid a la The Terminator or bow down to our future insect overlords.

The Fantastic 4,000,000,000,000,000

Proving that no good comes of mixing space and bugs, the Russians have reported that cockroaches born in space are “faster and tougher than their terrestrial brethren.”

Theories for this disturbing development include developing in a zero-gravity environment or, like the Fantastic Four, exposure to space radiation.

To maintain superiority over all lower forms of animal life, we must ban all non-humans from spaceflight. To not do so will risk making our worst fears a reality.