Cockroaches still the best Boy Scouts ever

As if surviving nuclear apocalypse wasn’t enough, new research suggests that cockroaches are also prepared to make it through climate change, as well. Just great.

Science has known for some time that, when cockroaches are resting, they periodically stop breathing for up to 40 minutes, but it took researchers at the University of Queensland in Brisbane, Australia, to discover just why they did so. The team, led by Natalie Schimpf, found that cockroaches’ breathing is related to water as opposed to oxygen concentration or carbon dioxide, as previously theorized.

Cockroaches lose water across their respiratory surfaces when they breathe… so taking shorter breaths in dry conditions reduces the amount of water they will lose.

So why does this mean that they’re environmentally invincible?

Living in the humid conditions of a rain forest, where they evolved, might be plain sailing, but cockroaches are adaptable and can cope in a wide range of environmental conditions… Two hundred and fifty million years of physiological fine tuning has produced a creature that will be around for a long time to come. Cockroaches, I’m afraid to say, will do well in the face of climate change.

So that’s that, everyone. Perhaps the War on Animals may finally be over-and we may lose. Our best bet now? To either create our own half human, half roach DNA splice hybrid a la The Terminator or bow down to our future insect overlords.

The Fantastic 4,000,000,000,000,000

Proving that no good comes of mixing space and bugs, the Russians have reported that cockroaches born in space are “faster and tougher than their terrestrial brethren.”

Theories for this disturbing development include developing in a zero-gravity environment or, like the Fantastic Four, exposure to space radiation.

To maintain superiority over all lower forms of animal life, we must ban all non-humans from spaceflight. To not do so will risk making our worst fears a reality.