Science: Drink coffee daily for a long, jittery life

Coffee — it’s what we drink when trying to erase the mistakes of the night before. But new research has found that it could also be a life saver.

A pair of studies conducted by researchers around the world has found that a cup of coffee will basically keep you from dying early from anything. By “anything,” we have to assume they mean any illnesses, because there is no amount of coffee that will keep you from dying when you’re hit by a bus.

Scientists said that a cup a day for the rest of your life basically adds three months to the life of a man, and one month to a woman’s life. Having three cups a day increased the health benefits.

We’re hoping these findings don’t mean that people who drink candy bar lattes all year aren’t around any longer than they should be.

Swedish town may enact the paid funch

Sweden, the land of cheap furniture and imaginary terrorist attacks, could soon have another great thing going for it.

One town council member there has suggested that citizens be allowed to take an hour off from work to go home and bang. Sweden already has a mandated coffee breaks during the day, but this could take things a step further. Under the proposal, workers would have a paid one-hour break to go home and spend time with their partner, and we all know what that really means. Critics say the rule would be unenforceable, as workers could simply spend their paid break doing anything.

Besides, they should only need a minute or two, or is that just us?

Whiskey-flavored coffee is made for people who have given up on life

The Guys are big fans of coffee and whiskey. And if you read this blog, there’s a decent chance you like them, too. You may even like putting whiskey in your coffee. Now you can enjoy the taste of both without having to mix them yourself.

Jack Daniel’s flavored coffee is now a real thing. The famous distiller teamed up with World of Coffee, which we assume does coffee stuff, to bring us Jack Daniel’s Tennessee Whiskey Coffee. There’s no alcohol in it. It’s all of the fun of drinking coffee with some hootch in it, without the shame of drinking it at work. This seems like the perfect gift for the alcoholic in your life who’s trying to cut back.

There’s even a decaffeinated version, in case you don’t want to have any fun in life, you just want to your tastebuds to think that you’re cool.

Budweiser, Keurig want you to make instant beer

If only we could just drink one at a time somehow.

It is truly a wonderful time to be alive. There are thousands of different craft beers released every day–so many that you will never come close to trying them all, because even if you had access and money to buy them all, you’d probably die of some alcohol-related illness. And soon, we could have an instant beer maker.

Anheuser-Busch InBev, one of the world’s largest brewers, and Keurig, maker of the machine that lets you make one cup of coffee at a time, have teamed up to make a machine that makes single-serving beer. This is a genius move. Drinkers have always said that the problem with beer is that it’s not readily available for purchase in single-serving sizes. You have to brew a whole pot of beer and then drink it all. And no one wants to drink more than one beer.

Critics will say there’s no way to make a decent beer instantly, but AB-InBev didn’t make billions of dollars by trying to make decent beers.

Study: Psychos like coffee, G&Ts

Did you enjoy a nice, hot cup of coffee this morning? Are you looking forward to having a gin and tonic at happy hour this afternoon? Congratulations, you’re probably a psychopath.

A recent study has found that people who say they enjoy coffee, or gin and tonic, are more likely to have characteristics of psychopathy. Basically, coffee and G&Ts are the drinks of psychos. If you like those drinks, it doesn’t necessarily mean you’re a psycho yourself, but it might.

But if you like coffee in your gin and tonic, you’re a freaking serial killer.

The best part of waking up

Unless you’re a banker or cheese enthusiast, you’ve probably never felt the urge to travel to Switzerland. After a new cafe opens in Geneva, you may actually consider moving there.

A full-service cafe is in the works for the city, and by “full service,” we mean, “full-service.” Coffee enthusiasts would be able to enjoy their morning cup accompanied by oral sex from the prostitute of their choice. The business plan is sure to keep them coming back. Order your unusually expensive coffee, then select on an iPad the prostitute you want for your new favorite morning ritual. The cafe would be the first of its kind in Switzerland if it is approved.

The down side is that the cafe is sure to have long lines due to slow service.

Coffee and booze: Your liver’s yin and yang

If you need a few cups of coffee to wake yourself up after a night of tipping a few back, you’re doing it right. And now science has your back.

You can block damage to your liver from drinking just by making coffee part of your daily routine. Researchers analyzed data from previously released studies, and concluded that two cups of coffee per day can reduce your risk for developing cirrhosis of the liver by 44%. And by our math, that’s nearly cutting it in half.

So before you head back to the bar this week, make sure you have some coffee. We hear it’s extra healthy if you take it black.

You Missed It: Lock and key edition

Rule #1 of the internet: Never incur the wrath of the Takei.
Rule #1 of the internet: Never incur the wrath of the Takei.

Are there any real musical mysteries left? I’m sure there will be some new ones, and there may be some minor ones that just aren’t top-of-mind, but I think the big ones are done. Earlier this year, Don McLean revealed what the hell “The Day the Music Died” was about, and it wasn’t that interesting. This week, Carly Simon opened up about who “You’re So Vain” is about, and it’s not one person, but several. Maybe these singers realize that thee people who care are dwindling, or they need a little boost in sales. At least we don’t have to hear about how mysterious they are anymore. If you were busy telling the world you’re HIV positive this week, odds are you missed it.

Make America 1942 again
There were all sorts of hot takes about what the U.S. should do with thousands of Syrians who are fleeing terrorists and a dictator. But the hottest take went to Roanoke, Va., Mayor David Bowers, who cited the “internment” camps the U.S. forced Japanese Americans into during World War II, suggesting such steps may need to be taken with these people who aren’t white like Bowers. This goes well with the city’s new slogan: “Roanoke: Guantanamo Bay, but With Southern Charm.”

Coffee: The elixir of life
According to a study released this week, drinking coffee can reduce your chance of several different illnesses, including heart disease. The study, which followed 200,000 subjects over the course of 30 years, went so far to say that heavier coffee drinkers had a significantly lower chance of death than those who drank little or no coffee. You know, just in case people who drink a lot of coffee needed something else to lord over everyone they meet.

Women just aren’t feeling it
It was revealed this week that Addyi, the female libido enhancer, has been prescribed just over 200 times since coming on the market in the U.S. earlier this year. The reason: most husbands aren’t doctors, and can’t prescribe it themselves. This is easy to fix, women will buy all they can if you slap a Kardashian face on it.

The best part of getting it up

"You do not want to see my penis before my morning coffee."
“You do not want to see my penis before my morning coffee.”

Most people claim that nothing happens before they have their daily coffee. And one of those things might be erections. And, no, we don’t mean construction work. We mean your penis.

Researchers from the University of Texas found a 42 percent reduction in erectile dysfunction in men who drank between 171mg and 303mg of caffeine a day, or roughly two cups of coffee.

So, the next time your boss asks you to bring him a cup of coffee, don’t be disgusted because he’s clearly trying to force you into some outdated gender role. Be disgusted because he’s going to have an old man boner soon.


Get ready for jittery astronauts

The International Space Station now smells like coffee.

This week marked the much-anticipated arrival of a new, space-age espresso machine. Astronauts have had coffee on the ISS, but it had to be in one of those packet things, so it float away and burn the crap out of someone. But now, they have the ISSpresso, which somehow makes coffee in zero-gravity espresso coffee.

The first astronaut to try it out, of course, is Italian.