Four cups of coffee a day keeps the cancer, sexy makeouts away

The researchers attempted to evaluate those who drank seven or more cups a day, but the study couldn't find any, presumably because they live slightly out of faze in space and time.
The researchers attempted to evaluate those who drank seven or more cups a day, but they couldn’t find any traveling slower than light.

The results of a survey started in 1982 should cause heavy coffee drinkers flash their biggest, brownest smiles: drinking four or more cups of coffee a day may cut your chances of dying from oral and throat cancers in half.

(Just to be clear: it only prevents dying from oral and throat cancers, not contracting them.)

Researchers evaluated over 968,000 cancer-free men and women in 1982. Within the next 26 years, 868 of those people had died from oral and throat cancer.

Of those with one or both cancers who hadn’t died, the researchers evaluated their lifestyles, including caffeination. Those with the cancers who drank anywhere from four to six cups of caffeinated coffee a day outlived those who drank tea, decaf and no coffee at all by nearly 50 percent.

So, Death may not have a nose, but he still doesn’t like coffee breath.

Starbucks wants to Irish up your coffee

And by that, we mean beat you senselessly with a shillelagh. No, no, no, of course we don’t mean that. Well, at least for the most part.

Starbucks, the famous coffee giant, has always been in the flavored coffee business, but now, they’re looking to jump into the flavored coffee with flavor business. Having tested the plan here and there in a few Seattle and Portland stores, locations in Atlanta and Southern California will, over the year, have their menu expanded to include items such as beer and wine. Oh sure, there’ll be new food items as well, but pffft, why fill up your stomach with food when you can fill it up with more booze?

Aneurysm? We barely knew ‘er … ysm

According to a study published May 5 in Stroke–the medical journal, not Stroke Magazine–the following eight activities can trigger aneurysms (or those brain things that conveniently kill moms in quirky movies):

8. Drinking coffee
6. (tie) Nose-blowing
6. (tie) Exercising with gusto
5. Drinking cola
4. Getting angry
3. Pushing too hard while pooping (We can talk this way because we’re discussing a medical issue.)
2. Sexing
1. Being surprised

What somehow didn’t make the list? Viewing it in a g%@damn slideshow.

Oh, wait. There’s the anger.

A pair of grande mugs … to go?

Long ago, SeriouslyGuys reported on a growing trend in Seattle – sexy coffee shops! Unfortunately, it seems as if the dream is dead. The craze in the Pacific Northwest for buck-naked baristas has apparently gotten out of hand as “Espresso Gone Wild” is being told to cover up or shut down. This brings a tear to many an eye. While the business owner should probably be arrested for that ridiculous name, I’m sure that the servers were nothing but innocuous at best. Won’t someone please think of the children health code violations imminent burns?

Take it from Snee: This just ain’t healthy

So I quit smoking. No, no — please hold your applause until the end.

I’ve always been a pretty healthy guy. I work out. I don’t eat a lot of sugar, salt or arsenic. I only drink on weekends, but I always use that time productively by getting really drunk and designated driving. I don’t always use a condom when I’m treating myself to a prostitute, but I always ask if they have any on them. (If they don’t, it means they’re clean.)

So, I guess it made sense to quit smoking. I mean, why would I otherwise put in all that other effort to stay healthy?

Ah, but then I did some reading. Despite this latest endeavor, I’m still not healthy. Continue reading Take it from Snee: This just ain’t healthy