Hello, reader. According to these notes from the nurse who just examined you, “Dr. Snee is a horse’s ass who never reads charts and just gives everyone antibiotics.”
Well, it looks like I’m a horse’s ass who can read, thank you Nurse Lattimer, and I’m prescribing you about six months’ worth of penicillin for what’s about to be a chronic case of Unemployment in This Job Market. (You can find that in the Big Doctor’s First Medical Picture Book under “E. tadick.”)
It’s cold outside, but for those of you who are shocked by this, it’s January. This is what winter used to feel like before God decided to warm things up mankind collectively said, “To hell with the sea level, I want to get to work in my coal-powered SUV!” You’re miserable? That’s the way it’s supposed to be.
January is cold, dark, windy and mostly devoid of holidays to look forward to. If the months of the year were your family, January would be your harsh grandmother. Always judging with those cold, cold eyes, and her icy sister February with her at all times. (If you’re wondering, March would be your uncle who drinks too much and says inappropriate things to you.) It amazes me every year how it seems like so many people are experiencing winter for the first time.
Hello again, everyone, and welcome to 2010. I’ve been waiting here for you for quite some time. Now that I have thawed my keyboard out in this country-wide cold snap we’re having. I am now prepared to tell you what you missed this year, one week at a time. If you were busy announcing you would not run for re-election, odds are you missed it.
The NRA should take on the NBA
The Washington Wizards’ Gilbert Arenas was suspended by the NBA this week after showing a gun in his locker to a teammate. In what may have been his last game of the season, Arenas gathered the team (the Bullets) in a circle during warm-ups and shot them all with his fingers. NBA Commissioner David Stern did not enjoy the gun show.
The case in favor of sterilization Tila Tequila, who became “famous” for her MySpace page, and then later for being an attention/ actual whore on reality television shows, might be pregnant, according to her Twitter. Should Tequila actually be pregnant, there is no word yet on how long it will take her to push the child out of her Twitter.
They’ve weaved stranger things into the plot
White House spokesman Robert Gibbs said that President Barack Obama’s State of the Union Address will not pre-empt the season premiere of Lost. He assured the legions of Lost fans that the speech will not happen on Feb. 2, the date the show is scheduled to return. In other news, this is really what our country finds important.
And let’s be honest here: when your family has got roots in Europe, the U.S., Japan, Argentina and, frankly, all over the world, they’re probably on a better route of doing so than us.
Obviously, I’m talking about ants, but I’m specifically referring to Argentine ants. They’re spread all over the world, they refuse to wage war upon each other (which is humongous given that ants can be fairly territorial) and–worst of all–we’re helping them in their quest.
Yes, that’s right: you. By traveling all over the world, becoming jet-setting, high-flying, wheeling and dealing sons of a gun (W000000000!!!!!!!!), we’ve unwittingly mingled colonies with other colonies and created this super-breed.
So, what can we do to stop this? Well, obviously, we could the isolationist approach, but, frankly, I enjoy my foreign food too much to allow this to happen. The other choice?
Simple. The article mentions that ants live everywhere but in Antarctica. Clearly, the cleansing and purifying power of cold will save us. Freeze the ants! FREEZE THEM ALL!
It’s been a while since we heard any news from the undead scourge. The winters normally cause zombies to go into a dormant state (you know, other than death), so they are not really a threat until spring. Some believe this is why we have Easter.
This is not a normal zombie case by any means. A woman was found in a snowdrift in Milwaukee frozen pretty solid over. Even a surgeon said she was “technically dead.” But once again, science interfered with God’s plan and she was brought back from the dead at a nearby hospital. The zombie claims to go by the name of Tia Ross, who was 25 when she was living.
Speak, zombie, speak!
“I was dead and he brought me back to life,” Ross said.
Doctors are unsure of when Ross will be released from the hospital to feast on the flesh of the living.
As winter approaches, much of the country is already being plunged into unseasonably cold temperatures. We here at SeriouslyGuys would like to remind each and every one of our readers (are you listening, you two?) to bundle up and take care of yourself. Colds can be dangerous.
Every few years, I find that it’s time to clean out the old lexicon. Everyday language is a constantly evolving collection of trendy phrases from movies, literature, music and–as The Guys would like to think–blogs.
But as time marches on, those phrases cease to remain useful. Sometimes they’re no longer relevant, other times they’ve been brow-beaten so low that they no longer hold any real meaning. It’s time to flush these five clichés so we can make room for newer, more interesting terms.