Tag: collision

Another end-of-the-world orgy thwarted

Astronomers only received three-days’ notice about an asteroid whizzing perilously close to the planet we all drink at. Had it actually hit, it would have “exploded on or near the surface with the force of a large nuclear blast.”

Reports are unclear about where it would have impacted, but three days is hardly enough time for anyone to organize an end-of-the -world orgy … except those already orgying it up, but run-of-the-mill group debauchery is hardly a noteworthy celebration, now is it?

We, here at SG, are furious at the astronomy community. In the future, we demand more notice of life-ending cosmic calamities. (Also, more rock n’ roll laser-light shows at planetariums!)

Fortunately, there is a silver lining to this not-so-ominous cloud: the asteroid passed so close that it is caught in Earth’s gravity, so there may be repeat near-death experiences. Keep those hot tubs hot!

In water, no one can hear you say ‘glub’

Following last week’s satellite collision (prompting a new category), Ye Olde Wyrlde tried to catch up with us trendy, zippy space-faring nations.

A British nuclear submarine and a French one collided in the North Atlantic. There were no injuries, no trans-oceanic debris collides and no potential risk to other underwater things according to official reports.

In fact, the only aspect remotely related to the awesome satellite collision is that it occurred between two formally bitter rivals. The British and the French have fought several wars throughout history, including one that lasted at least one hundred years, but that war’s name escapes us.

(You want history? If it ain’t Nazis or Confederates, buy a library.)

Could this be the beginning of a new French and Indian War? The Iroquis Confederation has not returned our calls for comment.

In space, no one can hear you say ‘oops’

East met West way up north.

(What? Our maps tell us north is up.)

A derelict Russian military satellite collided with a [then-] working U.S. Iridium commercial satellite, creating a cloud of debris that risks damaging even more satellites.

The International Debris Cloud now orbits 500 miles above the Earth, which is a popular distance for orbiting satellites, and should entertain cable and communication companies for the next 10,000 years. At least it gives them another excuse besides sun spots.

Coined the world’s scariest shotgun blast, it is part of a growing junkyard around the Earth that threatens anything new we plan to put up there. It’s a brave new step in the human endeavor of pollution!