Colorado University: ‘Ask about our smoking [barrel] dorms’

As August winds down, it’s time for college students to return to their studies. And students returning to¬†Colorado University will each face the mother of all decisions when moving into dorms: smoking? Or non-smoking? Not cigarettes, mind you, but barrels.

After losing an appeals case in the Colorado State Supreme Court, CU must now allow concealed weapons permit-holding students to live in campus housing. In response, they have set aside family housing units in Boulder and upperclassmen dorms in Colorado Springs for those who can’t bear to sign their arms away in campus police lockers.

James Manley, the attorney who represented the student guns-rights group in court (and most appropriately named proponent of holstered penises everywhere), will be examining this segregated living arrangement along with restrictions forbidding them from taking their weapons into non-smoking dorms and ticketed sprting and cultural events on campus. Student life-rights activists have countered, arguing that all gunshot victims are technically secondhand gunsmoke victims.

Zebras really don’t change their stripes

It’s spring time along the Chesapeake, and clearly the animals know it, because they are coming out of hiding, most likely with fresh plans to attack and kill us all. Not only are the merciless pandas repopulating, but snakes are going after the region’s travelers.

Now, it seems they are hatching their evil plans of world domination by breaking out from the Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus. This blog warned something like this could happen if the two mega-circuses (circi?) were allowed to merge. In Baltimore, drivers are used to seeing some weird stuff, but Thursday they saw zebras running around downtown. Luckily, they were rounded up before they could hold up too much traffic.

Then this blog found another startling revelation:

“The same three zebras, plus a fourth, made a similar escape in June during the circus’ visit to Colorado Springs.”

The nation’s capital is now in peril, as the circus has turned its sights to Washington. Earlier today, there were rumors that elephants–not GOP members–were strolling down amongst federal government buildings as evidenced here in this real picture. We need to fight back! Can’t we shoot someone out of a cannon at these monsters?