Warrior of the Week: Guy bitten by snake, bear, shark

Once bitten, twice shy, thrice … cursed?

The animals of the world clearly have it out for Dylan McWilliams, a 20-year-old from Colorado. While on vacation in Hawaii last week he was bitten by a shark. Luckily, he was able to make it back to shore and received a few stitches to his leg. But that wasn’t his first run-in with a deadly animal.

Last year, McWilliams was teaching a survival skills course in his home state when a bear wandered over and attacked him. McWilliams taught his students how to survive a bear attack that day, as at one point the bear had his head in its mouth. Authorities later hunted down and killed the bear. And even that wasn’t McWilliams’ first animal attack.

While hiking in Utah several years ago, he was bitten by a rattlesnake. Fortunately, there wasn’t much venom released, and the dose he got only sickened him for a while.

Congratulations, Dylan McWilliams, you are a shining example to mankind. But you may want to figure out why you’re so tasty.

Rabbits have a taste for fuel lines

In Colorado, it may be winter, but the animals keep up their assaults.

Travelers parking at Denver International Airport may want to think about taking a cab instead. The place is reportedly infested with rabbits, even though it’s cold outside, and these varmints are chewing the brake lines and other wiring in cars. It goes without saying that at the very least, this does thousands of dollars worth of damage. At worst, it can end up killing someone.

Sounds like it’s time to lengthen rabbit season — and duck season, while we’re at it.

You Missed It: End of 2012 edition

It's how I do my thinking.
It’s how I do my thinking.

Oh, hello there. I’m just here sitting back in my smoking jacket and enjoying a nice whiskey on the rocks (my third). You know, I’ve been thinking a lot about 2012. It really sucked, didn’t it? Stop and think about it for a minute, did anything good happen this year to anyone but Psy? Not really. However, it certainly was a wild, memorable ride. Perhaps it was the looming threat of the end of the world. It could be the heavy buzz I’ve got going, but I feel like looking back on the biggest stories of this year. Grab a drink and join me, won’t you?


Swingin’ Gingrich
Marianne Gingrich made her ex-husband, Newt, look even worse by dropping the bombshell that he wanted to have an open marriage. Apparently this is worse than asking your wife for a divorce when she’s recovering from cancer treatments in the hospital. Mitt Romney didn’t see what the big deal is–you can have more than one wife, right?

Also, they battle Hitler
In a story that can only end well, scientists in New York made “supersoldier” ants. I’m not really sure why this was so important to do, but now there are ants with really large heads. Their heads are so large that they are able to block the entrances to their nest when it comes under attack. Also, they do this really cool shield-throwing trick.

Equal time rule
A year away from inauguration day, and President Barack Obama was out on the campaign trail. He was raising funds, and he’d do just about anything for your money. At The Apollo, he noted that Rev. Al Green was in the audience, and did his own version of “Let’s Stay Together,” well a few bars of it, anyway. And he’s got the chops for it, too. The American public got to hear his pipes more along the campaign trail when he sang “Red Solo Cup” in Missouri. Continue reading You Missed It: End of 2012 edition

The cost of the war is crippling

We may be winning the war on animals, but it sure is taking its toll on us, financially.

This war has officially transitioned into one of attrition. With our economic times still being lower than they need to be, we need to finish this battle quickly.

Take it from Snee: Theater shooting spree a tragedy

As an Internet comedy writer, it’s my job to be funny. Unfortunately, I just can’t do that this week because some … not gonna mince words here … jerk shot and killed at least a dozen people and wounded even more at a midnight showing of The Dark Knight Rises last week.

It’s a tragedy, which means that some topics are not appropriate to discuss, like gun control. And they won’t be appropriate to talk about again until the next shooting spree, which means they’ll be in poor taste again.

You see, it’s time we stand up as a nation and rally around the real victims here: the National Rifle Association and other Second Amendment activists. That’s right: it’s time for another non-joking meeting of the Rick Snee Antidisestablishmentarian Militia. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Theater shooting spree a tragedy

Some methy business

The 2001 national Sheriff of the Year, Patrick Sullivan, has plead guilty to trading meth for sex and will serve 38 days in the Arapahoe County, Colo., jail bearing his own name.

The only setting more ironic is The Guys’ screenplay where a time-traveling teenage Ronald Reagan is forced by 2012 truancy laws to attend a high school named after him. (He plays a minor role in the school play and ends up elected senior class president.)

White affluent teenagers continue to be white affluent teenagers

Like, I’m not sure if you’ve heard the news, but there’s some really horrible tragedy going on! No, I don’t know what Darpfor is, is that a car? I think my dad’s assistant drives that. Middle-class? What’s that? Are those poor people? Whatever, I’m not them. Shut up already and let me tell you this horror story!

A yearbook won’t run this downtrodden girl’s picture! It’s like Ken Gong Il Dovio and Sodom Hugestain totally had a kid and that kid decided to make a yearbook!

The yearbook nerds, who I bet aren’t popular at all, say they’re refusing to run the picture because it’s inappropriate. They don’t even know what appropriate is! She says that it’s artistic, which it totally is, obviously.

This is a complete trouncing of her first amendments, no all of them! ARGH! IT’S SO UNFAIR!

Australian myths come in all forms

Most people above the age of 18 have heard the phrase “Dingo ate cho’ bay-bay!?” And why not? It’s a hilarious stereotype that only offends the people of the most deadly continent that’s primarily set out to destroy everyone that sets foot on it.

But apparently, these stereotypes evolve.

In the 80’s and early 90’s, the phrase was “dingo ate cho’ baby-baby!”; however, nowadays the phrase should clearly be “wallaby ate cho’ sen-yuh citzens!” Because thanks to a careless family, fiction was nearly made reality. We can read between the lines, America.

Warrior of the Week: John in Colorado

Everyone loves the stereotypical concept of guns in Texas, in that if someone comes into your house, they’re a dead person. But what happens when the land becomes not Texas, but Colorado? And the intruder is not human, but a bear?

According to some wildlife authorities (a position which we scoff at, mind you), that person is a criminal.

This is bull-honky!

John in Colorado is a man that just wants to live in his cabin. He successfully put down an intruder (of the furry kind!) that could have been thieving and disease-ridden at best, murderous at worst! And what’s the reward he’s given? Potentially having charges filed against him. Well John, we may not know your last name, or even if John is your first name, but we will say this: in our eyes, you’re no criminal. You’re our Warrior of the Week, and you earned it.

The squeeze gets put on the TSA

On this past Thursday, a Colorado woman of Japanese decent was arrested and charged with a felony count of sexual abuse, after she reportedly grabbed a TSA officer’s breasts.

Please pick up your jaw. We know that this is a bit of an anomaly, being that it’s a Japanese woman groping someone and not a Japanese man. Details, unfortunately, are currently sparse on what actually occurred, but was this a reaction from being groped by the TSA agent?

The woman, 61 year old Yukari Mihamae, has been released, and is currently awaiting trial. We can only assume that the TSA will soon be offering her a job with them.