After what seems like a decade, it’s finally here. Americans get to vote tomorrow, and say goodbye to those endless attack ads on TV and those political images with words on them that are always false, but that one friend always shares on Facebook. We made it, everyone!
You’ve known for months who you are voting for, unless you’re an idiot who is somehow still undecided, but do you know how you’re going to vote on the ballot issues? That’s right, folks, ballot measures are back, and they probably will have a more direct and immediate impact on your life.
For the past two weeks, Pokemon Go has been taking over the world. Players of all ages have been geeking out over the game. They have been invading social media with their constant posts about their finds, and invading private property and restricted access areas like military bases, prisons and hallowed graveyards. They got upset when people made fun of them, or complained they didn’t care about their posts. Folks, I’ll make you a deal: I won’t post about my imaginary football team this fall if you stop posting about make-believe animals you find with your smartphone. If you were busy copying off of someone else this week, odds are you missed it.
Fear and loathing in Cleveland
This week, the Republican National Convention was held in Cleveland — as if that city hasn’t seen enough hardship. The event had everything: a voting controversy, an ethics controversy, Rudy “I Was Mayor on 9/11” Giuliani yelling like he was at Wrestlemania, racism, homophobia, xenophobia, transphobia, funny hats, chants about imprisoning opponents and Donald Trump yelling a speech about how everything is terrible but he will fix it. All the hard work Leni Riefenstahl put into the event really came though.
Kanye vs. Swift III
Taylor Swift found herself in the middle of a new controversy after Kim Kardashian posted video of Kanye West getting an OK on lyrics for his new song from Swift over the phone. She had previously denied she knew anything about her mention in the song. And because it’s a scandal, it’s only a matter of time until Hillary Clinton is involved somehow.
Something wacky in the water
Authorities in a small Colorado town warned residents to bathe or drink tap water this week after THC, the active ingredient in marijuana, was found in one of the town’s wells this week. To which the locals replied, “Dude, no drinking water? How are we supposed to get rid of this cotton mouth?”
It’s wedding season, which means some of you out there are getting free booze in exchange for a fancy gift and dressing up nice. It also means it’s time for that bottomless well of entertainment: weddings going horribly wrong.
In Colorado, one couple’s wedding was brought to a halt because of an attack by our animal foes. Johnny and Laura Benson had just gotten married Monday afternoon and went out to a scenic location with the wedding party for photos–and then the groom was bitten by a rattlesnake. The groom was treated by authorities and survived, but the snake got away and remains at large.
The real victims here are the people who attended the wedding. They had all headed to the reception ready for a party, only to find out the groom’s life was in danger. There’s no wedding DJ in the world that can play “Shout” enough times to revive that room.
By now, society is well acquainted on the threat posed by the undead. There are all sorts of shows, movies and other media telling us to avoid their bites and to aim for their heads. But they all fail to mention that the biggest threat is a zombie breaking and entering.
A man in Denver came home to his apartment one evening to find, to his shock and horror, a zombie passed out in chair. The place had also been trashed. When the victim woke the zombie up, it tried to grab a kitchen knife, and made threatening remarks. (Zombies are now learning to talk. Panic.) Rather than biting the guy who lived there, the zombie escaped out the door.
Now, the authorities who are trying to keep the public in the dark would have you believe that they caught and interrogated the suspect. They think you’re dumb enough to buy that just because this happened on Halloween night, it was a guy dressed like a zombie who got really drunk and passed out in the wrong apartment. If you read this blog, you know better.
We salute the Colorado Springs Police Department for quickly recognizing the threat of ripped bears and stopping them before leg day. Left unchecked, those bears could have developed into muscle daddies, blurring carefully maintained niches in the gay forest egosystem.
The cub is now free of the tub and was left sedated in the woods to find her mother again, which should put a dent in her ain’t-no-DNB body.
Goldfish aren’t the most threatening-looking things on the planet. Some of them have big, puffy faces and seem to be barely able to move. But now they’re threatening a Colorado lake.
According to wildlife officials, someone probably threw some goldfish into the lake a few years ago, and they grew in number. Now, the domestically-created species of fish is threatening native fish, competing with them for food. Which has caused a concern for those nature-loving whack-jobs in Colorado.
If a goldfish can out-compete you for food, you probably don’t deserve to live in the first place.
To encourage Christmas spirit, the city of Federal Heights, Colorado held a contest to see which local business could put up the best light design. The Guys would like to congratulate this year’s winner: Platinum 84, a strip club!
The strip club has a light show fancy enough for the whole family, complete with an inflatable Santa on the roof, likely because he Mrs. Claus isn’t doing it for him anymore. Platinum 84 donated the $100 it won to local police charity, and donated another $500, likely in singles, to a city food bank.
Peyton Manning just says what we’ve all been thinking.
The Denver Broncos quarterback used to do commercials that were genuinely funny. Now he does pizza commercials with the guy who doesn’t want to give his employees health care. The good news, Manning said, is that pizza sales are doing well in Colorado, and that could be because marijuana has been de-criminalized out there.
Of course, those fans would get a six-game suspension if they played in the NFL.
Do you hate the opera? Guess that means you have something in common with our mortal foes, the animals.
A woman was hiking in Colorado when she came face to face with a cougar, and not the sexy older woman type. As the cat was sizing her up, Kyra Kopestonsky began singing opera. The cougar did not appreciate being serenaded, and eventually backed off.
This is a strong case for keeping the arts in our schools.