Tag: Colorado

A positively awful plan

An elderly woman is “an undisclosed amount of cash” richer and possibly on a shopping spree of undisclosed size in Colorado!

She robbed a Wells Fargo bank by handing the teller a note that said she would give her AIDS unless she forked over anywhere from 1 to infinity dollars. She sold the act by coughing frequently and wearing a train conductor’s cap, indicating she may have made love to a filthy train hobo.

The joke’s on that teller, though: everyone knows that people with AIDS don’t live to be elderly!

How To: Not successfully write a book

There are plenty of good writers out there. Coincidentally enough, many of them are probably writing about Phillip Greaves, himself an aspiring writer that even got his work (“The Pedophile’s Guide to Love and Pleasure: A Child-Lover’s Code of Conduct”) published and sold on Amazon.com until it was taken down by the website. This same work is also being used as evidence for arresting Greaves thanks to an obscure little obscenity statute in Florida.

There are many aspects to look at regarding this: just what constitutes obscenity, the content of the book, how far the First Amendment goes in regards to free speech, just what part 4 (“Incitement to crime: It is a crime to incite someone else to commit a crime, and such speech is not protected by the First Amendment”) says for situations such as this and other various parts of the law. Many, many good writers would have an utter field day with this case.

The Guys are not those people. We’re still stuck on whether pedophilia is ickier than necrophilia. For that matter, why bother with trying to track down a book that may be potentially illegal, when you can browse the How To section of SeriouslyGuys? Totally digital and 100% NAMBLA free*.

*Numbers may or may not be accurate, give or take 17 percent.

Texting: the new, new gateway

Parents, if you thought your work was over: think again.

We’ve locked down every gateway to teenage sex and drinking, whether that gateway was pot, rock and roll, Satanism, thong underwear, birth control, spanking, video games, prime time television, gay teachers, violent cartoons, Sudafed, aerosol cans, presidential “bee-jays,” cleavage on Sesame Street, soccer games with clear-cut winners, candy cigarettes, red ink, trans fats, method acting, driving with passengers, Catholicism, scrambled pornography, comic books, music videos, the rap music, Bratz dolls, Woodrow Wilson, The Catcher in the Rye and that hairy bush from High School Musical.

We found a new one for you to go after: texting.

Get panicking! Their next text could be the text that makes you a horrible mom or dad.

Nightstalkers are jaywalkers

It’s obvious that vampires are en vogue lately, thanks to Twilight and True Blood and the like. But in the midst of all this, we are forgetting the real issue here: vampires don’t actually like us very much.

In Colorado, a woman told police that she ended up in a ditch when she saw a vampire on the dirt road she was on that night. It was blocking her path, so the began backing up, but that did not end so well. The cops don’t think that alcohol or drugs contributed to the crash, so that means they’re real.

There’s something out there

And it’s clearly doing our job for us. Which is wonderful!

Cows are being mutilated in Alamosa, Colorado, and no one knows why. No one but Mike Duran, that is.

“I believe there are aliens. People may laugh at me for thinking that,” Duran said. “(The aliens) do what they have to, and then they bring (the cows) back and they drop them back in the field. And that’s why there are no tracks.”

Well, you know what? As long as it’s not a bladed appendage, I want to shake the hand of whoever is doing the slaughtering. Summer is just upon us and the weather has just been pristine. As such, it’s that time of the year for grilling, which puts a big smile on me. And if anyone (or anything) wants to do some favors for the local butchers and meat departments around here and do a little preliminary chopping of beef, well, that’s just perfectly fine with me.

That morning jolt

Ever been to a job fair? (Please, hold your applause. Thank you for that kind welcome back.) It’s a bunch of people walking around dressed in clothes nicer than they feel comfortable in, handing out resumes like candy.

From the potential employer’s standpoint, it is also a battle to get people’s attention. If they don’t come to your table, how can you hire them? You need an eye-catching gimmick. For the Lake County, Colorado Sheriff’s Department, that gimmick was free Tasering for volunteers.

About 30 high school students volunteered to be shocked with a Taser at a job fair because they wanted to feel what it was like. The deputy was suspended for a week.

You know who else supported highways?

The Neo-Nazis may be cleaning up a town near you!

Did that just send chills down your spine? Then shame on you, because at least one branch of America’s Nazi Party has adopted a 1 mile stretch of highway in a Denver suburb.

It’s a win-win situation.

As Doug Neal, the group’s spokesfuhrer, put it, they’ll be seen “doing good things,” much like the sentiment of Hitler “doing good things” for Germany before those things were overshadowed by trifles like genocide and waging a war of global domination.

And, the suburb is allegedly relieved since the previous highway clean-up was performed by members of the Aryan Brotherhood from the local prison. At least these Nazis aren’t convicted felons, right?

You Missed It: Hot air edition

How come you never ask me how I am doing or if I have any big plans for the weekend? Don’t you care about what I do? Aren’t we friends? You’re right, you’re right. You do care, you just don’t show it in the same ways as I do. I’m sorry I get so emotional, it’s just that I need you, dear reader, so much. Without you, my keyboard has no purpose. If you were busy looking at oncoming trains, odds are you missed it.

Up, up and a–wait a minute …
On Thursday, the world was captivated by the story of a 6-year old boy in Colorado has climbed into his father’s experimental balloon was was floating across the state. They boy was instead found hiding in the attic. The boy’s father, Richard Heene, denied accusations of the incident being a stunt, saying, “My family would never do such a thing. I mean, that’s as bad as going on a reality show or putting your kids in a rap video and posting it to YouTube. Who would do such a thing?”

Show us your twits
Speaking of balloons, conservative blogger Meghan McCain raised eyebrows this week when she tweeted about her quiet night in. She posted a picture of the book she was reading, but followers’ eye drifted toward her low cut top instead. Critics attacked her for the seemingly sexual picture, and McCain nearly canceled her Twitter account. In other news, conservative microbloggers are still waiting for a shot of Ann Coulter’s shriveled jack-o-lanterns.

All your data are belong to us
T-Mobile customers have had a rough time lately, particularly Sidekick users, who lost all their data in a disaster that is only now being fixed by Microsoft. Wait a minute–T Mobile still has customers? More importantly, when was the last time you saw anyone using a Sidekick?

Deer to the ground

You know, there is a reason we hunt these guys, then stuff their heads and place them on our mantles: because we are proud of killing something that tries to kill us. Just ask Joan Nutt of Colorado, who was attacked by a deer after she simply tried to pet it.

Needless to say, Colorado wildlife officials are on our side, and have euthanized the attacker. In related news we are looking deeper into the possibility of this being the same reason Bambi’s mom was dropped.

Next we can spread rumors about them

Most animals don’t understand English (in fact, many speak Spanish), so we need to find other means of communication with them. Luckily for us, communicating during a time of war is as simple as a barrel of a gun. But sometimes it just won’t do to shoot the animal in question.

Such is the case in Colorado, where wildlife officers in Estes Park are dealing with a large crop of aggressive male elk. They can’t simply shoot all of them; what state can pay for all those bullets in this economy? So instead, they are doing the next best thing: sawing off their antlers.

Sometimes humiliating the enemy is more satisfying than killing him.