In democracy, machines count for something

Letting machines take over our elections means that people who protest the results will look less crazy and more like John Connor.
Letting machines take over our elections means that people who protest the results will look less crazy and more like John Connor.

Good news, everyone, about the recount in Wisconsin! … No, not that. He probably still won. But! The recount should prove that, when (not “if”) the machines take over, they’re even better at democracy than we are. So, the singularity shouldn’t be a totalitarian dictatorship!

For all the worries about human error in vote counting and machines screwing up, four election experts believe that the Wisconsin recount will prove two things: (1) we’re better at counting votes than we think, and (2) machines are better than us at it and, therefore democracy.

Previous recounts show a 0.28 percent discrepancy in hand-counted votes, while computer-counted votes only had a 0.17 percent discrepancy. And even when the machines screw up, it’s mostly when a human factor interrupts the computer process, like a human logging computer counts incorrectly on a pen and ink form.

So, if we really want a more representative government, then perhaps it’s time to throw out the factor that keeps (minutely) screwing it up: humans.

British names are terrible

20140609-093127-34287869.jpg
British parents thought they were being so clever by naming their kids Benedict Cumberbatch and Englebert Humperdink. Was it worth it? Was it worth providing cover for the rise of the machines?

Because the Royal Society of London was just fooled by a computer pretending to be a 13-year-old boy named Eugene Goostman, becoming the first to pass the Turing Test.

Any other society knows that real kids aren’t named to be pressed into Wonka Bars.

Terminator 5: Rise of the Resistance to the Machines

When we started the War on Animals, we did so with a clear sense of purpose. Animals were mauling people left and right and stealing our expensively-hormone-injected crops and livestock.

Robots, which can only be considered animals in some Transformer units, have been on our to-do list for a while. The problem was that we needed a Pearl Harbor moment; otherwise, we’d just look like dicks if we declared war on iPads.

Gentlemen (and warlike ladies): we have That Moment. Computer viruses are spreading into humans like monkey AIDS. To borrow the enemy’s binary language, it’s either us or not us (them).

We’d like to add that it’s not our fault that primates are sexy in a Billie Piper sort of way.

Keep your friends list close, your blocked list even closer

Have you ever wondered what a “social media guru” or “expert” does? As far as we can tell, they follow random people on Twitter and post links to buzzspeak essays by other (presumably) unemployed “SEO managers.”

Or … they could be The Fuzz!

Police, FBI, Secret Service and even the IRS are infiltrating the MySpace, Facebook and–in extreme cases–the Friendster to find the goods on you. To bypass your security settings, they’re setting up undercover identities, asking to become part of your online menagerie of familiar screen names.

Once they’re in, you’ll probably forget all about them, like that guy you met that one time at that place with the shots served in test tubes. (Quickest abortion turnaround time, yet!) And then they watch for any pictures of illegal activity or status changes that conflict with your alibis.

So, next time you get a friend request, ask them, “Are you a cop?” If they say no, then they’re probably lying because they’re undercover, so you should destroy your computer.