Meaty flavor

The internet’s obsession with bacon and willingness to promote outrageous items has finally come to a head. Thanks to the great hive-mind, we can now purchase bacon-flavored condoms.

Just days after Bill Gates issued the call for a “next-generation condom,” we may already have a winner. J&D’s has given us the bacon-flavored condom, because we all enjoy licking prophylactics.

How could the pope possibly condemn condoms now?

Dubai landsharks excited about sexy new alias

Nothing says "discrete" like deploying a delivery team to your door.
Nothing says “discreet” like deploying a delivery team to your door.

Durex, the Pepsi of condoms, has a plan to directly compete with the Trojan Man: by actually delivering prophylactics to your door, not just pretending like in Trojan ads. They’ve launched a delivery service in Dubai, where it’s easy to get laid but hard to buy condoms because of the rest of the United Arab Emirates’ conservative culture.

An app called SOS Condoms transmits your GPS location to the delivery service, which a “discreet and professional delivery team” uses to deliver a dozen condoms between 4 pm and 4 am for $15 anywhere in Dubai. Those who prefer to make love during the day, however, will be punished with babies and VD.

And if you’re jealous of Dubai and their Durex deliveries, nominate your city today to become the next SOS Condom recipients!

Animals want to wrap up human reproduction

And to make sure you get to do it again in the morning, refer to your "tweedle" as a "burying beetle" as often as you can during and after copulation.
To make sure you get to do it again in the morning, refer to your “tweedle” as a “burying beetle” as often as you can during and immediately after copulation.

We’ve long suspected that, despite animals threatening all of human survival, not every human is on board with the War on Animals. Sure enough, the new year — the year of the snake, no less — has revealed an insidious fifth column: the “Center for Biological Diversity.”

What kind of diversity, we’re pretending you asked? One with less humans thanks to endangered species-themed condoms. The animal-lovers are distributing 50,000 free condoms, each featuring animal propaganda, over the holidays. And, according to their own press release, it’s to address “the effects of rapid human population growth on rare plants and animals.”

Let’s prove them right, people. This holiday season, make the gift that keeps on eating and using natural resources. And just to get things rolling, feed Junior a steak every meal. Or an endangered panther. It’ll put hair on her chest (unless you skin the lion first).

Do not distribute unlicensed scumbags

There are a lot of reasons to watch the Olympics: witnessing the pinnacel of human athletic achievement, the pagentry of the opening ceremony and the inexplicable judging by the French and Russians. But, there’s one reason that the IOC has tried to keep under wraps this entire time: sex-crazed top form athletes!

Ever since the Barcelona games in 1992, Olympics organizers have distributed free condoms throughout the Olympic village because, when that many sets of abs rub together, a lubricated piece of latex is the only thing preventing a brush fire. And, so far? It’s worked. Most of the athletes have been able to return every four years without flashing herpes sores at Bob Costas.

But, let the London Games organizers assure you: unlicensed prophylactic distribution will not be tolerated, especially of some freaky Australian brand that may or may not be made of kangaroo pouches.

Take it from Snee: That’s a wrap

The Internet is up in arms over the Stop Online Piracy Act (SOPA) and PIPA. PIPA is actually an acronym and abbreviation within an abbreviation: the PROTECT IP Act — or the Preventing Real Online Threats to Economic Creativity and Theft of Intellectual Property Act — proving just how much thought the U.S. Senate puts into naming bills after minor British nobility over drafting applicable commonsense laws.

But, in all the hoopla, did we miss the passage of an even more dangerous law to the Internet?

The Los Angeles City Council voted 9-to-1 in favor of an ordinance that would strip film permits from porn producers whose actors don’t wear condoms. Los Angeles already requires adult actors to wear condoms, but this new ordinance provides an enforcement measure (unless they use they safe word).

I’ll admit it’s tempting to require adult actors to wear condoms at all times. As an Internet writer, I’m always shopping for new pants, and frankly, I’m tired of smell-checking inside the crotch before putting them on. If I smell something off — like whatever Astroglide smells like (not that I’d know) — I quietly put them back on the rack. But, if I smell Durex, well, that’s like New Pants Smell, and my only remaining complaint is how skinny jeans make me a sexual hazard in the workplace.

Life isn’t that simple, however, and neither are movies. Continue reading Take it from Snee: That’s a wrap

Inconstant teenaged spermicidal rage

A federal survey by the National Center for Health Statistics found that more teens are using condoms, but are doing so inconsistently. According to the resulting National Survey of Family Growth over 80 percent of teens from 2006-2010 reported using condoms for their first sexual encounter.

The researchers believe that girls switched over to the pill after their first time, which might be one cause for 51 percent of girls discontinuing to use condoms afterwards. This lead to uses of condoms inconsistent with their recommended instructions, as boys found they had the rest of a box left.

From what we can tell, the rest were used to:

  • Keep spare gym socks dry
  • Take the “Hepatitis” out of “Hillbilly Hand-fishin'”
  • Lube up and separate pennies from the rest of their pocket change
  • Jazz up their singing voices with sex-muted mics
  • Mule drugs

Help control the Catholic population

Have your cafeteria compatriots condom’d and condom’d up again.

That’s what Pope Benedict XVI said. But only if you’re attempting to stop the spread of AIDS, mind you. If you’re not attempting to stop the spread of AIDS, then keep those slim jims unfettered and unlocked, lest ye be culpable of mortal sin. Or something along those lines. Fear not of excommunication, Catholic prostitutes and carriers of Catholic gingivitis, aka, chlamydia.

You know what Pope Benedict XVI didn’t say? Anything in English.

The McBournie Minute: Drink and screw like a champion today

As some of you may have heard they just held the Winter Olympics in Vancouver (the one in Canada). You probably heard about all the controversies, triumphs and manufactured story lines NBC could come up with. Don’t worry, I won’t bore you with that.

What I am here to talk to you about is drinking and screwing–Olympic style. You may not know it, they certainly don’t talk about it on television, but the Olympic village is one big romp. This is true. Apparently, a bunch of slender, fit, hormone-crazed people under the age of 27 mate like crazy, possibly in hopes of creating a master Olympic race, possibly because accents are so sexy.

But in Vancouver, the love was not restricted to the confines of the Olympic village. It made its way out to the public, too. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Drink and screw like a champion today

What do you get for the man who already has HPV?

New relationships are exciting because they’re full of “firsts”:

  • The first date
  • The first kiss
  • The first awkward transition into a 69 position
  • The first proposal of a threesome, followed immediately by
  • The first fight

But, there’s another first that’s livening up Canadian relationships (I know, Canada again?): the first transmission of the human papillomavirus or HPV.

According to a couple of studies published in in the January issues of the journal Epidemiology and the journal Sexually Transmitted Diseases, Montreal researchers found that 56 percent of their 263 female enrollees contracted HPV from their new boyfriends. 44 percent got the ones with extra sauce that can cause cancer.

The scary part is that 40 percent of those who used condoms still tested positive for HPV.

Of course, groin doctors asking patients if they used condoms is kinda like dentists asking if you floss. If they find something, you don’t want to give them “I told you so” ammo.

So, if you’re still wondering what to get your significant other for Valentine’s–just 30 shopping days left!–might we suggest looking down on yourself?

Did they try ‘sexting’ their kids?

According to a Harvard study, more than 40 percent of parents wait until it’s too late to have “The Talk” with their kids. Two-thirds of sons reported having sex before discussing proper condom use with their parents, which means that few bananas have been wasted with spermicide and a lot of elbows were very protected. One-fourth of polled daughters never learned about saying no, which is good for teenage boys and high school teachers, but bad for at least appearances’ sake.

The scary part? The study consisted of a survey of only 141 parents, who were enrolled in a program called “Talking Parents,” which was meant to help them discuss birds and bees and why we don’t have sex with them, but each other. Yet, they still waited until it was too late.

Coupled with the past eight years of abstinence-only sex education, it’s amazing that Photoshop hasn’t added a “Herpes Wand” tool for school picture touch-ups.

So now, the recommended age to begin talking to your children about sex is always. When your toddler notices things in the bathtub, you’ve got some ‘splainin’ to do. When they’re watching The Piano for their fourth grade movie review, explain what a Harvey Keitel is to them. And when they’re going to their first dance, make sure they know all the lyrics to “The Humpty Dance.”

This is a full-out pop culture assault. If they’re not gonna read a book vampire book with sex, then you’ve got to step up.