After what seems like a decade, it’s finally here. Americans get to vote tomorrow, and say goodbye to those endless attack ads on TV and those political images with words on them that are always false, but that one friend always shares on Facebook. We made it, everyone!
You’ve known for months who you are voting for, unless you’re an idiot who is somehow still undecided, but do you know how you’re going to vote on the ballot issues? That’s right, folks, ballot measures are back, and they probably will have a more direct and immediate impact on your life.
At this time, health officials stated that what suspiciously looks like the afterbirth of Charlie Sheen winning was caused by a storm hitting a waste treatment center, but that’s probably only to avoid a lawsuit or bite from the former star of that part in Ferris Bueller. They would also not confirm the elements of Angus T. Jones in the tide of medical waste, but the water goes great with tiger’s blood and pornographic actresses.
But, seriously, though: we’d trade any of that guy’s given Tuesday nights for one of our Saturdays. It would probably be out last Tuesday on Earth, but nevertheless.
So, uh, if you’ve been looking for the free condoms New York City distributed everywhere and can’t find them, you could try looking in the Dominican Republic. (They’re always in the last place you look, like still in your date.)
Apparently somebody has gathered them up and shipped them over to vendors in DR, and they’re making a nice profit by selling what were free for 50 cents a pop. Or, if they don’t pop, a fill.
However, city officials aren’t about to do anything about it as the lost condoms don’t make up a large percentage of the number the city distributes every year. So, going back to the opening sentence: if you’ve been looking for free condoms in NYC, and aren’t finding them, then it’s not because somebody shanghaied them off to the Caribbean. It’s because you’re a lazy scumbag.
The porn industry is facing its worst health and P.R. nightmare since being porn: four actors have tested positive for HIV.
What doesn’t help is that this comes after it essentially left Los Angeles to escape the city’s workplace condom requirement. (It’s only if you work on a porn set, so you can put that pack of Trojans away, Port of Los Angeles dockworkers.)
Durex, the Pepsi of condoms, has a plan to directly compete with the Trojan Man: by actually delivering prophylactics to your door, not just pretending like in Trojan ads. They’ve launched a delivery service in Dubai, where it’s easy to get laid but hard to buy condoms because of the rest of the United Arab Emirates’ conservative culture.
An app called SOS Condoms transmits your GPS location to the delivery service, which a “discreet and professional delivery team” uses to deliver a dozen condoms between 4 pm and 4 am for $15 anywhere in Dubai. Those who prefer to make love during the day, however, will be punished with babies and VD.
And if you’re jealous of Dubai and their Durex deliveries, nominate your city today to become the next SOS Condom recipients!
We’ve long suspected that, despite animals threatening all of human survival, not every human is on board with the War on Animals. Sure enough, the new year — the year of the snake, no less — has revealed an insidious fifth column: the “Center for Biological Diversity.”
What kind of diversity, we’re pretending you asked? One with less humans thanks to endangered species-themed condoms. The animal-lovers are distributing 50,000 free condoms, each featuring animal propaganda, over the holidays. And, according to their own press release, it’s to address “the effects of rapid human population growth on rare plants and animals.”
Let’s prove them right, people. This holiday season, make the gift that keeps on eating and using natural resources. And just to get things rolling, feed Junior a steak every meal. Or an endangered panther. It’ll put hair on her chest (unless you skin the lion first).
There are a lot of reasons to watch the Olympics: witnessing the pinnacel of human athletic achievement, the pagentry of the opening ceremony and the inexplicable judging by the French and Russians. But, there’s one reason that the IOC has tried to keep under wraps this entire time: sex-crazed top form athletes!
Ever since the Barcelona games in 1992, Olympics organizers have distributed free condoms throughout the Olympic village because, when that many sets of abs rub together, a lubricated piece of latex is the only thing preventing a brush fire. And, so far? It’s worked. Most of the athletes have been able to return every four years without flashing herpes sores at Bob Costas.
But, let the London Games organizers assure you: unlicensed prophylactic distribution will not be tolerated, especially of some freaky Australian brand that may or may not be made of kangaroo pouches.
The Internet is up in arms over the Stop Online Piracy Act (SOPA) and PIPA. PIPA is actually an acronym and abbreviation within an abbreviation: the PROTECT IP Act — or the Preventing Real Online Threats to Economic Creativity and Theft of Intellectual Property Act — proving just how much thought the U.S. Senate puts into naming bills after minor British nobility over drafting applicable commonsense laws.
But, in all the hoopla, did we miss the passage of an even more dangerous law to the Internet?
I’ll admit it’s tempting to require adult actors to wear condoms at all times. As an Internet writer, I’m always shopping for new pants, and frankly, I’m tired of smell-checking inside the crotch before putting them on. If I smell something off — like whatever Astroglide smells like (not that I’d know) — I quietly put them back on the rack. But, if I smell Durex, well, that’s like New Pants Smell, and my only remaining complaint is how skinny jeans make me a sexual hazard in the workplace.
The researchers believe that girls switched over to the pill after their first time, which might be one cause for 51 percent of girls discontinuing to use condoms afterwards. This lead to uses of condoms inconsistent with their recommended instructions, as boys found they had the rest of a box left.
From what we can tell, the rest were used to:
Keep spare gym socks dry
Take the “Hepatitis” out of “Hillbilly Hand-fishin'”
Lube up and separate pennies from the rest of their pocket change