Tag: condoms

Did they try ‘sexting’ their kids?

According to a Harvard study, more than 40 percent of parents wait until it’s too late to have “The Talk” with their kids. Two-thirds of sons reported having sex before discussing proper condom use with their parents, which means that few bananas have been wasted with spermicide and a lot of elbows were very protected. One-fourth of polled daughters never learned about saying no, which is good for teenage boys and high school teachers, but bad for at least appearances’ sake.

The scary part? The study consisted of a survey of only 141 parents, who were enrolled in a program called “Talking Parents,” which was meant to help them discuss birds and bees and why we don’t have sex with them, but each other. Yet, they still waited until it was too late.

Coupled with the past eight years of abstinence-only sex education, it’s amazing that Photoshop hasn’t added a “Herpes Wand” tool for school picture touch-ups.

So now, the recommended age to begin talking to your children about sex is always. When your toddler notices things in the bathtub, you’ve got some ‘splainin’ to do. When they’re watching The Piano for their fourth grade movie review, explain what a Harvey Keitel is to them. And when they’re going to their first dance, make sure they know all the lyrics to “The Humpty Dance.”

This is a full-out pop culture assault. If they’re not gonna read a book vampire book with sex, then you’ve got to step up.

Ye Missed It: A pirate’s life for ye edition

The wind be shiftin’. Ye can see it in the sails by the yardarm, can’t ye. Aye, that be the stiff wind of Talk Like A Pirate Day. Are ye ready for tomorrow? Ye can be assured your humble captain is, tricorn hat and all. If ye were too busy gaining 30 pounds fer yer new movie, odds are ye missed it.

Condoms be fer sailors
Lancet, a British medicine journal, said climate change could be curbed by givin’ women contraceptives. The argument bein’ that if fewer wenches are having little land lubbers, there be fewer people to pollute. In related news, the Catholic Church hates the envir’nment because it says ye can’t wrap up her anchor in any lagoon.

The power o’ Christ compels ye
Speakin’ o’ Christianity, conservative Christians gathered in Washingt’n, D.C. to protest President Barack Obama’s agenda–not things he has actually done, just things he has talked about doin’. The scurvy dogs say healthcare reform be at the top o’ their list o’ grievances. Because, you know, providin’ fer those in need is not what Christianity be about.

So much fer her happy endin’
After a little over three years o’ marriage, Avril Lavigne and Sum Fahrty-One frontman Deryck Whibley are splittin’. Ye know what this means, the break in the assault on our ears be over, too. Ye can bet as soon as those Canadian bilge pumpers finish dividin’ up the dubloons, they’ll be back makin’ horrible sea shanties.

Maybe old people won’t get hearing AIDS

Flicking is commonly known as "The Italian Goodbye."

Good news, everybody! Researchers have discovered antibodies that keep HIV from evolving into full-blown AIDS.

As we all know, it’s not HIV that kills a person, but the multiplication of the virus that leaves the body unable to fight other infections, like the flu or jock itch. But, you can pretty much live with HIV for the rest of your life (however long that may be).

So, good-bye fear of AIDS! Hello, shared needles!*

*Disclaimer: The Guys don’t share needles without protection. We always inject ourselves through a condom.

Screw the election, how is your country doing in the condom business?

Running out of ideas to get your country’s people to just man up and slap some rubber on? We here at SG support the global use of condoms for the following reasons:

A) Laid people are happy people, according to Rick Snee. However, Snee, due to religious affiliations cannot “officially” support the condom regime, but we love him anyways.

B) Condoms keep stupid people from breeding even more stupid people (in some cases). I mean could you imagine a world where George W. Bush and Condoleezza Rice made some amendments in the oval office without security? Ouch!

C) Without them we wouldn’t have those awesome Trojan commercials.

Anyways, if your idea pole is running low on creative fluid, try these ideas to boost condom sales!

US teens learn to lie during surveys

According to a survey conducted by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, US teens are more likely to lie about having sex, doing drugs and smoking cigarettes than they were in the 1990s.

“About 48 percent of high school students were no longer virgins in 2007, down from 54 percent in 1991.

“Meanwhile, just 15 percent said they’d had four or more sexual partners, down from 19 percent in 1991.

“And 62 percent of sexually active students said they’d used a condom the last time they had sex, up from 46 percent in 1991.

“Some 35 percent of teens had at least one drink of alcohol in the month before they were surveyed in 2007, down from 42 percent in 1991.

“Marijuana used has fallen to 20 percent of students from a peak of 27 percent in 1999 while methamphetamine use is down to four percent of teens surveyed in 2007 from 10 percent in 2001.

“Nearly half as many students admitted to carrying some kind of weapon: 17 percent in 2007 compared with 33 percent in 1991.”

So, at least teens are smarter than their counterparts in the 1990s.

What evil lies in the luggage of men?

A British court has just learned that the men who are accused of scheming to blow up airplanes over the Atlantic Ocean, were planning to distract airport security by planting porn magazines and condoms in their luggage. Of course, they were unsuccessful in their dastardly deeds, which definitively proves that porn can defeat terrorism and save lives!

You know, it feels funny to even type that last bit out. Hrmm.