Blasphanimals! Repent your hairesy!

The War on Animals has always been contentious. But, animals have crossed a line and turned this into a holy war. We cannot stress this enough: animals have attacked Jesus.

A newly discovered — by white people, anyway — monkey species has the unmitigated gall to impersonate Jesus Henry Christ de Nazareth. Dubbed the “Lesula,” he lives in the Congo and somehow still knew what Jesus looks like before that lady helpfully restored that fresco in Spain.

But, that’s not all: snakes are mocking the virgin birth! Researchers caught female copperhead pit vipers in the U.S. proving immaculate conception “ain’t no thang,” performing the miracle almost at will. The offspring’s DNA is composed entirely of the mother’s genetics … which means snakes want us to believe God is a snake. Or some dude who impregnates snakes. Either way, it’s time to storm the Herpetology Consulate at your local zoo!

Something about this story seems vaguely familiar

So, let me get this straight. There was a reptile? And it was located? Somewhere on a flying craft?

I have no idea what we can do with a story headline like that. No clue whatsoever.

Of course, we could just chalk up the story to “crocodiles being crocodiles,” but factor in the smuggler aspect, the airplane factor and the stampeding animals variable, and well … actually, “crocodiles being crocodiles” still probably works.

Not exactly what we were aiming for

Fireworks were seen all over this fine country over the weekend. As we are told, the U.S. celebrated its Independence Day. And if you care, Canada celebrated their existence last week, too. (Seriously? You’re still part of the British Empire, what do you have to celebrate?)

But fireworks aren’t always a good thing, especially if you live in Congo. There, in the city of Goma, a fireworks display intended to celebrate peace that began in January made the civil war-weary city dive for cover, thinking the war had started up again. People went diving for cover upon hearing the explosions going off.

Everyone, let’s agree not to play with bubble wrap around Congo for a while, sound good?

Gorilla warfare

With all the war and genocide going on in Africa, there’s one slaughter that should be happening but just isn’t. That is the genocide of the mountain gorillas in the Democratic Republic of Congo.

Through all the battling going on between the government and the rebel forces, the population of the mountain gorillas has increased in Congo. This is most likely because the citizens of Congo (Congoese?) have been too busy killing each other and not killing the real, ever-present animal enemy in its largest controlled territory in the world.

It can be said that animals rule Sub-Saharan Africa, which for the most part is jungle and wilderness surrounded by human infighting. Don’t you see that’s what they want you to do? Quit fighting your brothers for the throne and go after the beasts who lay seige to your kingdom.

We found the enemy’s hideout!

We have more work ahead of us in our battle against the beasts. The western lowland gorilla seems to have a higher population in the Republic of Congo than we previously thought.

Researchers say that an estimated 125,000 gorillas are living in Congo, more than double the previous number of estimated gorillas living worldwide. Conservationists are calling this great news, but we here at the War on Animals know it is great news for us.

Sure, it may mean that we have more enemies to fight, but remember: the first step in elininating a threat is locating the enemy. Now that we know where they are, send in the poachers!

Black magic besieges Congo’s penises

Juju bad for pe-peMen of Congo, look out-your local witch doctors are after your most prized possession!

Don’t understand? Police in Congo have arrested 13 suspected sorcerers accused of using black magic to steal or shrink men’s penises after a wave of panic and attempted lynchings triggered by the alleged witchcraft. No longer a myth, men are actually being besieged by that magical lot, the witch doctors (a group we’re all too familiar with), and the result has been nothing short of the opposite of Viagra. That effect has led to chaos that cannot be controlled, and multiple lynchings that have been attempted.

What was left was tiny.

Don’t let this happen to you. If you’re in the Congo, beware of fellow passengers in communal taxis wearing gold rings.