You Missed It: End of 2017 edition

There’s no other way to get through this.

Remember when it was a running joke that 2016 was the worst year ever? That was a great year compared to 2017. “Oh no, some famous people died, 2016 sucks!” It’s like 2017 heard our complaining and decided to show us what a bad year really looks like. The good news is that there’s no reason 2018 won’t be even worse. So this right now is as good as it gets. This year we were all a distracted boyfriend. We thought fidget spinners were the best and worst thing ever at the same time. We gave out the wrong Oscar for best picture. We all looked at the eclipse with special glasses — except for one guy. We punched Nazis. We ended the careers of creepy men. We debated the meaning of “covfefe.” It was the year of the clown, from Donald Trump to the remake of It. There were huge fires and massive hurricanes. There were threats of nuclear war. Let’s double-tap this awful year with a final look back. Fill up your glass and take a deep breath.

January

Going for gold
Days before the inauguration, CNN and BuzzFeed reported that President Barack Obama and President-elect Donald Trump had been briefed on a series of unverified memos from a former British spy claiming that the Russians were trying to get dirt on Trump to use as leverage against him. One of the leaked documents said Russian spies had recorded Trump getting a golden shower from some prostitutes while in Moscow. Of course Trump likes golden showers. Have you seen his mansions? Golden everything!

Gone to that big theme park in the sky
SeaWorld held its final killer whale show, marking the end of an era. The final show came just couple days after Tillikum, the killer whale in Blackfish, had died. We didn’t realize how serious SeaWorld was about retiring those whales.

Going off the path
The Trump administration banned huge swaths of the federal government from sharing scientific data. This lead to the Badlands National Park’s Twitter account to go rogue, tweeting out scientific facts that support that climate change is real and humans are the leading cause of it. We should have known that the rebellion would start with those rugged, high-socked trail guides who know how to live off the land.

February

Trump vs. Australia
President Donald Trump and Australian Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull had a phone conversation, and it did not go well. At one point, Trump criticized a refugee agreement between the U.S. and Australia, and eventually he hung up on Malcolm. Sen. John McCain called Australia Ambassador Joe Hockey (who should really be the Canadian ambassador) to smooth things over between the two countries. It was the good-cop-bad-cop routine has ever been used in international diplomacy, this should be interesting.

Phones can start wars
Kids are always texting and tweeting on the cell phones, right? No one thinks that it’s a bigger problem than Pope Francis. During an address to some students, His Holiness advised the kids to put their phones down at the dinner table and have a real, face-to-face conversation with adults, or else it’s “the start of war if there is no dialogue.” However, the students were too busy plotting their war against adults via text message.

New level of s*&^$y performance
A band made headlines after a failed enema stunt on stage got them banned from a venue in Houston. According to the bar owner, Sonic Rabbit Hole performed on stage, and then one band member gave another member an enema, and the bag burst. And that, Mr. President, is why we need to support the arts.

March

Russia still way better than U.S. in coverups
FBI Director James Comey took the unusual step of confirming that his agency is investigating President Donald Trump’s campaign team and the Russians, and the list of campaign officials who met with the Russians continued to grow. White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer denied that there was any wrongdoing, saying that Boris Badenov and Natasha Fatale were just family friends.

Police get a win for Brady
Authorities announced that they found the stolen Super Bowl jersey of Tom Brady, the greatest quarterback ever to play the game, as well as his missing jersey from his Super Bowl victory two years earlier. The jerseys were reportedly stolen by a journalist and taken to Mexico, where they were later found. The Breitbart version of that story: Mexico sent its dishonest media to steal a hardworking white American’s shirt off his back.

Not to mention that candlestick was oozing sex
The live-action Beauty and the Beast opened in theaters to rave reviews of women who remember the 90s. The movie faced a boycott from conservative Christian mothers who didn’t like that there was a gay character in the movie. They said that a kid’s movie about Stockholm syndrome and a bunch of enchanted household objects trying to get their buffalo-man boss laid is one thing, but a gay person is going too far.

April

White girl solves racism
Pepsi released an ad that featured noted young rich person Kendall Jenner joining a crowd of protesters holding signs reading “Join the Conversation!” and giving a police officer a can of Pepsi. The ad was criticized for trivializing the Black Lives Matter movement to sell sugar water. Executives were shocked that a crowd of diverse stereotypes, music, and a message so general that it’s meaningless didn’t work. After all, it worked for Coke 46 years ago.

For those who only look like they work hard
This decade, whatever we end up calling it, probably isn’t going to be known for its fashion. A week after those clear-legged jeans hit the market, Nordstrom answered back with jeans that already look muddy. For just $425, you can dress like the day laborers you pay less than minimum wage.

It’s never OK to joke about suicide
Netflix faced criticism over its show 13 Reasons Why and its depiction of suicide. Critics said that the sensitive topic should have been handled more responsibly, and that it’s way too early to be profiting off of the Aaron Hernandez story.

May

You’ve got worms
The WannaCry worm infected computers around the world. Called ransomware, the worm held the hard drives of infected Windows computers for ransom, demanding payment in Bitcoin. It struck hundreds of thousands of computers in 150 countries, and led to hundreds of thousands of wives questioning what websites their husbands visit when they’re not home.

Trump creates job opening
President Donald Trump fired FBI Director James Comey over his investigation of connections between Trump campaign officials and Russian agents and hacking the Democratic National Committee’s emails in 2016. It was a decision that would in no way come back to haunt him.

Sleeping Tiger
Police in Florida arrested Tiger Woods after he was found sleeping at the wheel of his car which was on the side of the road. Reports indicate that alcohol was not involved, but rather his incoherent state was the result of a reaction to his prescription medication. Floridians were outraged that Woods was arrested, arguing that every driver in Florida is messed up on drugs.

June

‘Transformers: The Ides of March’
Transformers: The Fifth Film in the Series hit theaters. Critics answered with a resounding, “Why does this exist?” but the real news was that spin-off movies are planned. Executives are reportedly considering prequel films involving the Transformers in ancient Rome. This would be great, because who doesn’t want to watch a movie about robots wearing togas that transform into chariots?

The Sessions session
Attorney General Jeff Sessions visited his old friends in the Senate this week to testify under oath. Sessions claimed a faulty memory throughout much of the questioning about ties to Russia, and said he thought he was going to talk about his favorite monuments being torn down.

The sexual assault trial of actor Bill Cosby was declared a mistrial after the jury remained deadlocked on reaching a verdict. Cosby’s lawyer cheered the news, and assured his client that American society will be far more tolerant to sexual assault allegations in the months ahead.

July

Spice put on ice
Sean Spicer stepped down from his post as White House press secretary. He at first denied the reports as fake news from the dishonest liberal media, but then looked down at his notes and learned that he had apparently resigned.

Man who didn’t murder two people granted parole
O.J. Simpson was granted parole this week after serving nine years in prison for an armed heist to steal back some of his memorabilia that had been sold. Simpson told the judge he plans to search for the real armed robber.

Tardigrades will outlive us all
A study was published suggesting that tardigrades, microscopic animals that can’t really be burned, frozen or anything else, are the most likely form of life to survive a cataclysmic event on Earth. Considering how things are going, they can have it.

August

Age of retirement in U.K. is 96
It was announced that Prince Phillip would retire from making public appearances, citing ill health and the fact that he is 96 years old. Mr. The Queen also said he’s tired of Buckingham Palace staff thinking he’s a ghost.

Veterans, not veterinarians
Congress can’t even help puppies. A bill was introduced in July to defund the Department of Veterans’ Affairs from testing stuff like meth on dogs, and giving dogs heart attacks. The bill enjoyed bipartisan support in August, and promptly died after no vote was taken on it in committee.

The citronella soldiers
A bunch of Civil War cosplayers and white power enthusiasts stepped away from Twitter for a day so that they could rally in support of free speech in Charlottesville, Virginia. The idiots grabbed tiki torches and no doubt intimidated local mosquitoes as planned.

September

Is this not a test?
TV viewers in California were shocked when emergency alerts flashed on their screens with incoherent messages. One message was a panicked voice talking about the government working with extraterrestrials, and the other proclaimed that violent times were ahead. It turned out that both were recordings of crazy people calling in to radio shows years earlier. Man, I hate sweeps week gimmicks.

From Russia with likes
It was uncovered that Russian-funded ads on Facebook spread pro-Trump propaganda and even organized Trump rallies while appearing to be grassroots movements. President Donald Trump responded in his typical, even-keeled way, saying that the Facebook ad controversy was fake news. So the news about the fake news on the site plagued continually by fake news is fake news. Get it straight.

Blood feud
A disturbing video of police officers in Utah violently arresting a nurse went viral. The arrest resulted after the nurse refused to draw blood from an unconscious subject without consent or warrant. Police officers countered that she got what she deserved because they had asked her, “Pretty please,” even adding, “with sugar on top.”

October

The final away message
AOL announced that it was shutting down its instant messenger service once and for all. Your parents were reportedly very upset by the announcement.

The woke yogurt
Yogurt company Oikos dropped Carolina Panthers quarterback Cam Newton from its ad campaign after he made sexist remarks about a woman asking him questions during a news conference. To show how sorry he was, and how mature he has become from this learning experience, in an apology video he promised to never laugh when a female reporter says “route,” “balls,” or “slot.”

Fame monster fired
Media mogul Harvey Weinstein was fired from The Weinstein Company after numerous accusations of sexual harassment and sexual assault were brought to light. So let that be a lesson to all you men in power: don’t you dare defile a potted plant, or we’ll eventually get around to being outraged.

November

Never become the story
Today Show host Matt Lauer and radio yarn spinner Garrison Keillor were fired from there jobs amid allegations of inappropriate sexual behavior. One report against Lauer, and this is true, is that he gave a female employee a sex toy and wrote her a note about what he wanted to do with it. Meanwhile, female staffers reported numerous unwanted invitations to skinny dip with Keillor in Lake Woebegone.

Something happened in Delaware
Parts of the Mid-Atlantic were rocked when a magnitude 4.1 earthquake struck near Dover, Delaware. President Donald Trump said he hopes for a speedy recovery from the natural disaster, adding that the nation of Delaware brought this on itself.

Get out of jail free
President Donald Trump took credit for getting three UCLA basketball players out of a Chinese jail after they were arrested on suspicion of shoplifting. He then complained that the basketball players should have shown him more gratitude for their freedom. This was actually a news story this year.

December

Worst airport ever
Thousands of people’s days were ruined when Atlanta’s Hartsfield-Jackson International Airport lost power for roughly 11 hours. The outage caused a massive travel snarl at the busiest airport in the U.S. The good news is that no one had to rush for their connecting flight.

Feel fancier than you are
Miller High Life has called itself “the champagne of beers,” probably hoping that most people have never had champagne. But this year, the discerning macro beer snob will be able to enjoy High Life in a champagne bottle. So if you’re hosting a New Year’s party, here a great prank to play at midnight.

Time grows short
According to the National Center for Health Statistics, the life expectancy for the U.S. dropped for the second year in a row. So after all this, there’s something to look forward to.

You Missed It: End of 2016 edition

My drink order has arrived just in time. Get your own.

Well look who finally got on the “this year sucked” train. I’ve been doing this for years, everyone just finally caught up. I have a theory that 2016 was the Rapture. Everyone you love who was good is gone. Now we’re just in a hollow wasteland, and there’s the devil about. Either that, or we’re old enough that famous people we’ve heard of are starting to die off. This year was a lot like 1941 — we all knew there was conflict, and the headlines were really interesting, then an awful day toward the end of year made nothing feel the same again. This was indeed the worst year yet. Kim Kardashian had something bad happen to her for once. We cheered for sad sack teams. The Supreme Court became an octet. We held a months-long funeral for a gorilla we’d never heard of. We bought some Cuban cigars. We stood really still in videos. Let’s do to 2016 what it did to a lot of famous people, shall we?

January

Let freedom wear a c@#k ring
The armed hicks occupying a tiny federal office building at a remote Oregon wildlife sanctuary complained in a video that people keep sending them sex toys, including a whole bunch of dildos. The group made an appeal to “real patriots” to send them supplies, as they were so busy packing their guns they forgot to bring food and water for their camping trip. America responded by sending them plastic penises, which is a phrase I’ve waited to write my whole life. Upon hearing the news, Cards Against Humanity co-founder Max Temkin, really, sent the occupiers a 55-gallon barrel of lube.

Blowing up the airwaves
North Korea said it successfully tested a hydrogen bomb, but experts weren’t so sure it worked. In any case, the test marked another act of defiance of international sanctions. In response, South Korea set up loudspeakers along the border and began blasting K-pop. These two countries are like feuding neighbors in an apartment building. One keeps making the floor shake with loud thumps, so the other cranks their music, in this case, Psy.

From Mexico with love
After capturing escaped drug lord El Chapo, Mexican authorities published his text messages on his phone. Many were shocked not only to see that he was in contact with Mexican actress Kate del Castillo, but that his texts were quite romantic. He told her, “I’ll care for you more than my own eyes,” and even suggested having her meet his mother. Maybe we’ve got these guys all wrong. We just need to help these drug cartels find love and they’ll stop massacring entire towns. Continue reading You Missed It: End of 2016 edition

You Missed It: Dregs of the bottle edition

"Life's not worth it anymore!"
“Life’s not worth it anymore!”

It’s March Madness time again. It’s the time where everyone acts like they care about basketball, much less college basketball, and the nation looks the other way on illegal gambling. We have to act like we care about it, because for a few weeks, it’s everywhere. CBS has every single one of its networks airing as many games as possible, some of which feature commentary by Charles Barkley for some reason. All of this coverage, and the ad revenue it brings in, and not one cent for mental illness research. I call that a sham. If you were busy filling out a bracket this week, odds are you missed it.

Bag-o-wine: The silent killer
This week, a class-action lawsuit was filed against 30 California winemakers, the ones that make the cheap stuff your girlfriend and her drunk friends always get. They lawsuit claims that the cheap wines have more arsenic in them than should be fit for public consumption. So if you care about your health and your wallet, drink liquor.

A Schocking turn of events
This week, Rep. Aaron Schock, R-Ill., said he plans to resign from Congress amid a scandal involving improper funding for campaigns and travel, as well as failure to report gifts of money from donors. The FBI investigation is a black eye for what is otherwise seen as the incorruptible state of Illinois. Schock’s pending resignation also leaves Congress without its most rockingly-named member. That honor now falls to, you guessed it, Rep. Rodney P. Frelinghuysen, R-N.J.

Still better than Vegas Vacation
Actor and noted crazy person Randy Quaid posted his a new video online this week, his latest in a series of ranty videos from his hideout somewhere in Canada. In it, he rants about how Rupert Murdoch hasn’t thanked him properly for his work in Independence Day. He then has his wife put on a Murdoch mask and simulates having sex with her. What’s worse, is that it’s mostly the same stuff he and his wife have done in previous videos. Does anyone not see this story ending in a muder-suicide?

Canadian lawmaker misses vote because of underwear

Sure, Congress sucks. They can’t get anything done and everyone hates them. But it could be worse. At least they’re not a parliament.

Earlier this week, you saw members of Turkey’s parliament fight during a discussion of a controversial bill, but we’ve got something worse. In Canada, a member of parliament was forced to leave his seat during a vote because his underwear was too small, in what might be the highest-profile humblebrag Canada has ever seen.

Pat Martin told the House of Commons that he accidentally bought underwear a size too small, and he bought a lot because they were half price. The problem is that it’s uncomfortable for him to sit down. That’s exactly why John Boehner goes commando.

You Missed It: Black and white films edition

It wasn't just blacks, greens and yellows were also snubbed.
It wasn’t just blacks, greens and yellows were also snubbed.

I’m not a huge fan of winter, since I’m not a kid, but this is my favorite time of winter. The hangover from the holidays is past, it’s too early to think about Valentine’s Day and it’s cold outside. The fact that it’s cold isn’t the good part, it’s that you don’t have to feel bad for not going outside, and no one really wants to be social right now, either. You can just sit inside, drink, and do whatever else you like to do while drinking. If you were busy considering a run for president this week, odds are you missed it.

Young people who don’t watch award shows upset
This week, the nominees for the Academy Awards were announced, and Twitter was all, well, atwitter with the news. Mostly, people were upset that all 20 of the nominees for acting awards are white, the third time it’s happened since 1998. Highlighting their point was the fact that “Selma” was all but shut out of the nominations. But everyone eventually moved on because a woman said a nominee’s name was “Dick Poop.”

Penn State gets back to looking the other way
Under a proposed agreement with the NCAA Penn State’s football team’s vacated wins from 1998 to 2011 will be reinstated, making Joe Paterno once again the winningest coach. For those of you keeping score at home, the punishment for molesting children is 30 years minimum in prison, and the punishment for allowing a sexual predator to molest dozens of children for decades by systematically sweeping problems under the rug is acting like you didn’t win some games for a little over two years.

OMGOP
Earlier this month, the new, Republican-controlled Congress began its first session, vowing to end gridlock on the Hill and show that the GOP can govern. House Speaker John Boehner today posted 12 GIFs of Taylor Swift in a snarky response to President Barack Obama’s plan for two free years of community college. When did Boehner hire BuzzFeed as his press secretary?

You Missed It: Break time is over edition

Senate Minority Leader Nick Fury will get things done by force.

It’s 2015 now, and that means we all start off fresh, right? No. That’s not how things work. The things that affected you before still have an effect on you now. You wake up on New Year’s Day with a hangover because of the booze you drank on New Year’s Eve. But that doesn’t mean we can’t try to change things. First, let’s stop focusing on the bad stuff in the news. You know how your grandparents who sit watching the news networks all day rant about the world coming to an end? We’re starting to all sound like that. Statistically, the world has never been a safer place. If you were busy making jokes about your rape allegations this week, odds are you missed it.

White men on campus
This week, Congress returned, looking slightly redder than it did last month. The fresh faces of new Republicans joined the worn-out, frustrated ones of lawmakers who had been there a while. One face that hasn’t been seen on Capitol Hill yet is that of Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid, who injured himself exercising on New Year’s Day and is still recovering. And that’s why you should give up on your resolution to lose weight.

The Summah Olympics
The U.S. Olympic Committee chose Boston as the city it will run for the 2024 Summer Olympic Games. Boston beat out Los Angeles, San Francisco and Washington, D.C. Why Boston? Because if international sports fans can take a poverty-stricken, crime-ridden city like Rio de Janeiro, they’ll love a city where packs of Irish mooks all named Sully or Murph rove the city unmolested.

Study shows you can handle your booze
A study from the Centers for Disease Control this week found that an average of since Americans die per day from alcohol poisoning. Alcohol: still safer than driving a car.

You Missed It: Seeing red edition

The biggest symbol of the Republican party: a fat, rich white guy who thinks he's a cowboy.
The biggest symbol of the Republican party: a fat, rich white guy who thinks he’s a cowboy.

I read this week that a Japanese whiskey was named the best in the world this year by the 2015 World Whisky Bible, which is put together by People Who Put Too Much Thought Into Drinks. What’s even more surprising is that not a single Scotch made the top five. Up is down, left is right, peanut butter is jelly. This is what happens when your entire nation wastes time debating leaving the U.K. instead of doing what it does best, making scotch. If you were busy pulling your hit record from Spotify this week, odds are you missed it.

Red tide
The tens of thousands of people who voted in the U.S. on Tuesday sent a clear message to Washington: “Do that thing where you read the Constitution again.” Republicans won handily in the House and Senate, and will take control of the legislative branch in January. Analysts say we can expect to see hundreds more symbolic votes against Obamacare, and a bunch of white guys looking lost during the State of the Union in a couple months.

The hazards of hiring contractors
This week, AC/DC drummer Phil Rudd was arrested and charged with trying to hire someone for murder in New Zealand. The charges were later reduced to threatening to kill, which is probably better. The original charge was “attempting to procure murder.” Doesn’t that sound, especially in New Zealand, like he was trying to find a wizard to make a murder spell?

Best. Protest. Ever.
Actress Keira Knightley posed topless for a magazine interview this week. She said it was done in protest of the manipulation of women’s bodies in magazines, ads and other things. I’d put a punchline in here, but you’re already googling the photos. See you next week!

The McBournie Minute: You’re voting for jerks

America is a big country. We’re spread across the entire width of a continent. We live in different areas, we have different jobs, we eat different foods and we have different priorities. We’re pretty diverse, when it comes down to it.

But we’re all Americans, and we all believe that means something. That’s why we care so much about the state of our country. We believe we each know what is best for the entire nation, and we seek to put people in federal office that will shape the U.S. the way we want it to be shaped. It’s just frustrating that the people everyone else votes for are assholes.

Our mutual hatred of the people we elect may be the only thing that keeps Americans together, if you believe a new study. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: You’re voting for jerks

You Missed It: Dogg house edition

It’s tough when something goes viral that is clearly just crap. Sometimes friends post headlines with things like, “After this, she did WHAT?!” and it ends up being a woman getting food spilled on her, then calmly walking away. This week, we had the “selfie,” with Queen Elizabeth. A couple girls took a “selfie” (it’s not a real word, so it doesn’t deserve to be treated as such) hoping to get the nearby Queen Elizabeth in the background, and OMG, they did! That’s totally a photobomb, right? No. It’s a picture of someone in the background who happened to look in your direction when the photo was taken. If you were busy winning the beat your wife lottery this week, odds are you missed it.

Snoop in the White House
This week, Snoop Dogg (or is it still Snoop Lion?) said that he smoked weed in a White House bathroom. On the latest episode of his online show GGN: The Double G News Network, Dogg said that while visiting the White House before an event last December, he said he needed to use the bathroom, and needed to light a match when he was done. Secret Service said lighting a paper napkin would be OK, so he instead lit a joint. Was Snoop telling the truth? Take a White House tour and try it for yourself this weekend.

Marching band has an O-H face
Jonathan Waters was the band leader of the (The) Ohio State marching band until he got booted this week for “highly sexualized” environment and hazing. According to reports, the band had sexual nicknames for most of its members, for example, “Jewoobs” and “Tits Magee.” They also had midnight band marches in their underwear. Why didn’t that iPad commercial have any of that in it?

Who are these people that like Jar Jar Binks?
Just in time for Comic-Con, the annual convention in San Diego about anything companies want to create buzz about, regardless of whether they have anything to do with comic books, FiveThirtyEight released a report finding that more Americans approve of Jar Jar Binks, from the Star Wars sequels, than Congress. Apparently, 29% of Americans approve of Jar Jar Binks, while only 12.1% like Congress. No word on what this means for the approval ratings of Binks and his fellow legislators in the Galactic Senate.

You Missed It: Selfie inflicted wounds edition

They've actually been doing this for a long time.
They’ve actually been doing this for a long time.

Another April Fool’s Day has come and gone. Did you get fooled? Actually I don’t care. One day a year, everyone thinks it’s a good idea to stop accidentally spreading misinformation on the internet, and take a day to willfully spread misinformation on the internet, because it’s funny. Actually, it’s just annoying. All your female friends on Facebook announce that they’re pregnant, like they did last year, and actual news outlets get caught thinking outlandish falsehoods are actual news. I like you better when you’re calling each other Hitler while discussing peanut butter brands, internet. If you were busy announcing your retirement from The Late Show this week, odds are you missed it.

This controversy brought to you by Samsung
One of the worst things about the age of camera phones is the selfie. People hate it when you post them (unless there’s cleavage), it’s a scientific fact. So it makes sense that Samsung is using the selfie as part of its marketing campaign. When your world champion Boston Red Sox visited the White House this week, slugger David Ortiz took a selfie with President Barack Obama. Naturally, it was a stunt by Samsung, allowing people outside of New England yet another reason to hate the Red Sox.

‘LOL, James Franco thinks I’m cute’
Elsewhere on the internet, James Franco found himself in hot water this week. Franco, 35, (He’s that old? Jesus.) Flirted with a 17-year-old Scottish girl who met him at his Broadway show. He asked her how old she was, whether she had a boyfriend, and if he should get a hotel room. He even sent her a photo of himself to prove that it was really him hitting on her. Naturally, the girl told everyone about it. Once again, selfies are a bad idea.

Will legislate for food
Rep. Jim Moran, D-Va., said that he believes lawmakers should get paid more. He said that while they make $174,000 a year, many members of Congress have to rent small apartments in the out-of-control Washington housing market. Moran said it’s gotten so bad lawmakers can barely afford the hush money for their mistresses.