Well look who finally got on the “this year sucked” train. I’ve been doing this for years, everyone just finally caught up. I have a theory that 2016 was the Rapture. Everyone you love who was good is gone. Now we’re just in a hollow wasteland, and there’s the devil about. Either that, or we’re old enough that famous people we’ve heard of are starting to die off. This year was a lot like 1941 — we all knew there was conflict, and the headlines were really interesting, then an awful day toward the end of year made nothing feel the same again. This was indeed the worst year yet. Kim Kardashian had something bad happen to her for once. We cheered for sad sack teams. The Supreme Court became an octet. We held a months-long funeral for a gorilla we’d never heard of. We bought some Cuban cigars. We stood really still in videos. Let’s do to 2016 what it did to a lot of famous people, shall we?
Let freedom wear a c@#k ring
The armed hicks occupying a tiny federal office building at a remote Oregon wildlife sanctuary complained in a video that people keep sending them sex toys, including a whole bunch of dildos. The group made an appeal to “real patriots” to send them supplies, as they were so busy packing their guns they forgot to bring food and water for their camping trip. America responded by sending them plastic penises, which is a phrase I’ve waited to write my whole life. Upon hearing the news, Cards Against Humanity co-founder Max Temkin, really, sent the occupiers a 55-gallon barrel of lube.
Blowing up the airwaves
North Korea said it successfully tested a hydrogen bomb, but experts weren’t so sure it worked. In any case, the test marked another act of defiance of international sanctions. In response, South Korea set up loudspeakers along the border and began blasting K-pop. These two countries are like feuding neighbors in an apartment building. One keeps making the floor shake with loud thumps, so the other cranks their music, in this case, Psy.
From Mexico with love
After capturing escaped drug lord El Chapo, Mexican authorities published his text messages on his phone. Many were shocked not only to see that he was in contact with Mexican actress Kate del Castillo, but that his texts were quite romantic. He told her, “I’ll care for you more than my own eyes,” and even suggested having her meet his mother. Maybe we’ve got these guys all wrong. We just need to help these drug cartels find love and they’ll stop massacring entire towns. Continue reading →
It’s March Madness time again. It’s the time where everyone acts like they care about basketball, much less college basketball, and the nation looks the other way on illegal gambling. We have to act like we care about it, because for a few weeks, it’s everywhere. CBS has every single one of its networks airing as many games as possible, some of which feature commentary by Charles Barkley for some reason. All of this coverage, and the ad revenue it brings in, and not one cent for mental illness research. I call that a sham. If you were busy filling out a bracket this week, odds are you missed it.
Bag-o-wine: The silent killer
This week, a class-action lawsuit was filed against 30 California winemakers, the ones that make the cheap stuff your girlfriend and her drunk friends always get. They lawsuit claims that the cheap wines have more arsenic in them than should be fit for public consumption. So if you care about your health and your wallet, drink liquor.
A Schocking turn of events
This week, Rep. Aaron Schock, R-Ill., said he plans to resign from Congress amid a scandal involving improper funding for campaigns and travel, as well as failure to report gifts of money from donors. The FBI investigation is a black eye for what is otherwise seen as the incorruptible state of Illinois. Schock’s pending resignation also leaves Congress without its most rockingly-named member. That honor now falls to, you guessed it, Rep. Rodney P. Frelinghuysen, R-N.J.
Still better than Vegas Vacation
Actor and noted crazy person Randy Quaid posted his a new video online this week, his latest in a series of ranty videos from his hideout somewhere in Canada. In it, he rants about how Rupert Murdoch hasn’t thanked him properly for his work in Independence Day. He then has his wife put on a Murdoch mask and simulates having sex with her. What’s worse, is that it’s mostly the same stuff he and his wife have done in previous videos. Does anyone not see this story ending in a muder-suicide?
Pat Martin told the House of Commons that he accidentally bought underwear a size too small, and he bought a lot because they were half price. The problem is that it’s uncomfortable for him to sit down. That’s exactly why John Boehner goes commando.
I’m not a huge fan of winter, since I’m not a kid, but this is my favorite time of winter. The hangover from the holidays is past, it’s too early to think about Valentine’s Day and it’s cold outside. The fact that it’s cold isn’t the good part, it’s that you don’t have to feel bad for not going outside, and no one really wants to be social right now, either. You can just sit inside, drink, and do whatever else you like to do while drinking. If you were busy considering a run for president this week, odds are you missed it.
Young people who don’t watch award shows upset
This week, the nominees for the Academy Awards were announced, and Twitter was all, well, atwitter with the news. Mostly, people were upset that all 20 of the nominees for acting awards are white, the third time it’s happened since 1998. Highlighting their point was the fact that “Selma” was all but shut out of the nominations. But everyone eventually moved on because a woman said a nominee’s name was “Dick Poop.”
Penn State gets back to looking the other way
Under a proposed agreement with the NCAA Penn State’s football team’s vacated wins from 1998 to 2011 will be reinstated, making Joe Paterno once again the winningest coach. For those of you keeping score at home, the punishment for molesting children is 30 years minimum in prison, and the punishment for allowing a sexual predator to molest dozens of children for decades by systematically sweeping problems under the rug is acting like you didn’t win some games for a little over two years.
Earlier this month, the new, Republican-controlled Congress began its first session, vowing to end gridlock on the Hill and show that the GOP can govern. House Speaker John Boehner today posted 12 GIFs of Taylor Swift in a snarky response to President Barack Obama’s plan for two free years of community college. When did Boehner hire BuzzFeed as his press secretary?
It’s 2015 now, and that means we all start off fresh, right? No. That’s not how things work. The things that affected you before still have an effect on you now. You wake up on New Year’s Day with a hangover because of the booze you drank on New Year’s Eve. But that doesn’t mean we can’t try to change things. First, let’s stop focusing on the bad stuff in the news. You know how your grandparents who sit watching the news networks all day rant about the world coming to an end? We’re starting to all sound like that. Statistically, the world has never been a safer place. If you were busy making jokes about your rape allegations this week, odds are you missed it.
White men on campus
This week, Congress returned, looking slightly redder than it did last month. The fresh faces of new Republicans joined the worn-out, frustrated ones of lawmakers who had been there a while. One face that hasn’t been seen on Capitol Hill yet is that of Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid, who injured himself exercising on New Year’s Day and is still recovering. And that’s why you should give up on your resolution to lose weight.
The Summah Olympics
The U.S. Olympic Committee chose Boston as the city it will run for the 2024 Summer Olympic Games. Boston beat out Los Angeles, San Francisco and Washington, D.C. Why Boston? Because if international sports fans can take a poverty-stricken, crime-ridden city like Rio de Janeiro, they’ll love a city where packs of Irish mooks all named Sully or Murph rove the city unmolested.
Study shows you can handle your booze
A study from the Centers for Disease Control this week found that an average of since Americans die per day from alcohol poisoning. Alcohol: still safer than driving a car.
I read this week that a Japanese whiskey was named the best in the world this year by the 2015 World Whisky Bible, which is put together by People Who Put Too Much Thought Into Drinks. What’s even more surprising is that not a single Scotch made the top five. Up is down, left is right, peanut butter is jelly. This is what happens when your entire nation wastes time debating leaving the U.K. instead of doing what it does best, making scotch. If you were busy pulling your hit record from Spotify this week, odds are you missed it.
The tens of thousands of people who voted in the U.S. on Tuesday sent a clear message to Washington: “Do that thing where you read the Constitution again.” Republicans won handily in the House and Senate, and will take control of the legislative branch in January. Analysts say we can expect to see hundreds more symbolic votes against Obamacare, and a bunch of white guys looking lost during the State of the Union in a couple months.
The hazards of hiring contractors
This week, AC/DC drummer Phil Rudd was arrested and charged with trying to hire someone for murder in New Zealand. The charges were later reduced to threatening to kill, which is probably better. The original charge was “attempting to procure murder.” Doesn’t that sound, especially in New Zealand, like he was trying to find a wizard to make a murder spell?
Best. Protest. Ever.
Actress Keira Knightley posed topless for a magazine interview this week. She said it was done in protest of the manipulation of women’s bodies in magazines, ads and other things. I’d put a punchline in here, but you’re already googling the photos. See you next week!
America is a big country. We’re spread across the entire width of a continent. We live in different areas, we have different jobs, we eat different foods and we have different priorities. We’re pretty diverse, when it comes down to it.
But we’re all Americans, and we all believe that means something. That’s why we care so much about the state of our country. We believe we each know what is best for the entire nation, and we seek to put people in federal office that will shape the U.S. the way we want it to be shaped. It’s just frustrating that the people everyone else votes for are assholes.
Our mutual hatred of the people we elect may be the only thing that keeps Americans together, if you believe a new study. Continue reading →
It’s tough when something goes viral that is clearly just crap. Sometimes friends post headlines with things like, “After this, she did WHAT?!” and it ends up being a woman getting food spilled on her, then calmly walking away. This week, we had the “selfie,” with Queen Elizabeth. A couple girls took a “selfie” (it’s not a real word, so it doesn’t deserve to be treated as such) hoping to get the nearby Queen Elizabeth in the background, and OMG, they did! That’s totally a photobomb, right? No. It’s a picture of someone in the background who happened to look in your direction when the photo was taken. If you were busy winning the beat your wife lottery this week, odds are you missed it.
Snoop in the White House
This week, Snoop Dogg (or is it still Snoop Lion?) said that he smoked weed in a White House bathroom. On the latest episode of his online show GGN: The Double G News Network, Dogg said that while visiting the White House before an event last December, he said he needed to use the bathroom, and needed to light a match when he was done. Secret Service said lighting a paper napkin would be OK, so he instead lit a joint. Was Snoop telling the truth? Take a White House tour and try it for yourself this weekend.
Marching band has an O-H face
Jonathan Waters was the band leader of the (The) Ohio State marching band until he got booted this week for “highly sexualized” environment and hazing. According to reports, the band had sexual nicknames for most of its members, for example, “Jewoobs” and “Tits Magee.” They also had midnight band marches in their underwear. Why didn’t that iPad commercial have any of that in it?
Who are these people that like Jar Jar Binks?
Just in time for Comic-Con, the annual convention in San Diego about anything companies want to create buzz about, regardless of whether they have anything to do with comic books, FiveThirtyEight released a report finding that more Americans approve of Jar Jar Binks, from the Star Wars sequels, than Congress. Apparently, 29% of Americans approve of Jar Jar Binks, while only 12.1% like Congress. No word on what this means for the approval ratings of Binks and his fellow legislators in the Galactic Senate.
Another April Fool’s Day has come and gone. Did you get fooled? Actually I don’t care. One day a year, everyone thinks it’s a good idea to stop accidentally spreading misinformation on the internet, and take a day to willfully spread misinformation on the internet, because it’s funny. Actually, it’s just annoying. All your female friends on Facebook announce that they’re pregnant, like they did last year, and actual news outlets get caught thinking outlandish falsehoods are actual news. I like you better when you’re calling each other Hitler while discussing peanut butter brands, internet. If you were busy announcing your retirement from The Late Show this week, odds are you missed it.
This controversy brought to you by Samsung
One of the worst things about the age of camera phones is the selfie. People hate it when you post them (unless there’s cleavage), it’s a scientific fact. So it makes sense that Samsung is using the selfie as part of its marketing campaign. When your world champion Boston Red Sox visited the White House this week, slugger David Ortiz took a selfie with President Barack Obama. Naturally, it was a stunt by Samsung, allowing people outside of New England yet another reason to hate the Red Sox.
‘LOL, James Franco thinks I’m cute’
Elsewhere on the internet, James Franco found himself in hot water this week. Franco, 35, (He’s that old? Jesus.) Flirted with a 17-year-old Scottish girl who met him at his Broadway show. He asked her how old she was, whether she had a boyfriend, and if he should get a hotel room. He even sent her a photo of himself to prove that it was really him hitting on her. Naturally, the girl told everyone about it. Once again, selfies are a bad idea.
Will legislate for food
Rep. Jim Moran, D-Va., said that he believes lawmakers should get paid more. He said that while they make $174,000 a year, many members of Congress have to rent small apartments in the out-of-control Washington housing market. Moran said it’s gotten so bad lawmakers can barely afford the hush money for their mistresses.
For most of the U.S. it got really, really cold out. Most people stayed indoors, some went to work, others took pictures of their car thermometers or ice on random structures. The important thing is we made it through. Two types of annoying people that come out of any winter situation like this are those, usually northerners, who say, “That’s nothing, you should see what I’m used to!” as if they are able to fend off frostbite more than the average human, by virtue of their current location. The other annoying type are the people who are unaffected by the weather system others are complaining about. “No cold here, it’s sunny and 55 degrees!” is just about the douchiest thing one can say when the vast majority of the country is taking steps to ensure they don’t die because of the temperature. Don’t be either of these people. If you were busy traveling to North Korea this week, odds are you missed it.
New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie found himself an unwelcome spotlight this week when leaked email messages from one of his officials suggested that the state’s Department of Transportation was going to close down a lanes of the George Washington Bridge last fall to cause gridlock in the city of Fort Lee, whose governor just so happened to be a Democrat and critic of the governor. Christie spoke to the press for two hours on Thursday, is overall message was that he had no part or knowledge of it, but he felt bad. Christie 2016: “It’s My Responsibility, But Not My Fault.”
Congress is full of crazy people — crazy rich people
According to a new report, more than half the members of the Senate and the House of Representatives are millionaires. It’s the first time that’s ever happened in the history of the U.S. On top of that, lawmakers on both sides of the aisle are roughly as rich. The monocle and top hat industries were thrilled with the news.
Actor/ director Shia Labeouf announced this week that he will “retire from all public life” after taking constant heat for lifting material from graphic novel writer Daniel Clowes for his short film HowardCantour.com. If only he really meant it.