Elvis lives, and he’s running as a Libertarian

Celebrities these days are so political.

Because it’s 2018, and there is no such thing as politics as usual anymore, there is a man named Elvis Presley running for Congress. Of course there is.

Decades ago, Elvis Presley made it big not only because he co-opted rhythm and blues and made it white, but because he was the first white guy in recorded history to shake his hips. Today, Elvis A. Presley, an Elvis impersonator who changed his name, is running for one of Arkansas’ seats in the House of Representatives. He is running as a Libertarian, challenging Rep. Rick Crawford, R-Ark.

We hope to see Presley on the Capitol Hill next year, if only to see him order a peanut butter and banana sandwich during an all-night session.

You Missed It: Cliffhanger edition

Congress also forgot to save that town from the flood.

We made it into 2013. We survived the hangovers on New Year’s Day, but there’s one hangover we’re not over yet: the holiday hangover. After weeks of everything everywhere telling us that we are in the midst of a special time of year, it’s just over. We have to go back to regular schedules and act like we’re not special anymore. What’s worse is that it’s January, which means it’s cold and miserable, and you’re probably getting over an illness you picked up from a party. If you were busy announcing you’re going to ESPN after your retirement, odds are you missed it.

Happy fiscal cliff!
This week, the 112th Congress, in its last effort, finally reached a deal to avoid going over the so-called fiscal cliff, the only problem is that they didn’t get it done until Jan. 1, when we had already gone over the cliff. However, the language in the bill applied the deal retroactively. So we went over the cliff, but then Congress flew around the Earth at a really fast speed, going back in time by a matter of hours, and unthrew us over the cliff. They then made way for the 113th Congress and its plan of continuing to accomplish nothing.

Close the door, have a seat
It was a bloodbath at the end of the NFL regular season. As soon as the games were over, seven teams took no time in letting their coaches go. In fact, Andy Reid was actually fired before the Philadelphia Eagles’ final game, but he coached anyway, which is kind of a metaphor for the team’s entire season. But don’t feel bad, kids. Reid just signed with the Kansas City Chiefs. He’s going from cheese steaks to ribs!

Al-Jazeera Gore
Qatari news network Al-Jazeera announced the purchase of Current TV, a left-leaning channel formed in part by former Vice President Al Gore. “I always knew the Democrats were on the side of the terrorists,” said every crazy person with Internet access.

There’s pro-life, and then there’s pro-looking busy at work

Some people kill time at work by playing Minesweeper. Republican congressmen do it by introducing anti-abortion measures into every single bill, relevance be damned.

The House GOP approved a Homeland Security spending bill that includes an attachment by Rep. Robert Aderholt, R-Ala, which prevents Immigration and Customs Enforcement from funding abortions for illegal immigrants. You hear that, ICE? Your days of aborting anchor babies are over!

… Except, as ICE spokesperson Barbara Gonzalez said, they have never funded or provided an abortion. Ever. Not even in that Planned Parenthood, “never with government money” way, but “even when we really wanted to because that baby was a terrorist.” (ICE already had a policy in place based on the Justice Department’s rule for the Bureau of Prisons that bars willy-nilly abortions.)

But, at least nobody can say Rep. Aderholt has never worked a day in his 15 years in the House. Technically, he’s worked at least one now.

Take it from Snee: Explaining U.S. branches of government to foreigners, children (Part 2)

Greetings, non-citizens and/or future voters! As you may recall, I recently explained to (at, whatever) foreigners and children how the United States’ political parties work. Since that was a rousing success – mostly because neither of you have command of my language to voice your objections – I’ve been tapped to now explain the three branches of our government.

The three branches are the executive, legislative and judicial branches. These were delineated all the way back in 1789, when a group of self-selected landowners (mostly lawyers) met to secretly and kind of/sort of illegally overhaul our existing government as outlined in the Articles of Confederation. This was the now legal framing of our famed Constitution. Maybe you’ve seen it in your tour through Ron Paul’s breast pocket?

To reflect this spirit of open contempt towards our law of the land, they intentionally set up a lawyer-driven three-way deathmatch between three equal branches. This cage fight is called “checks and balances,” which was based on the use of elbows and fleet footwork in Senate-floor cane brawls.

Because of the amount of information involved, and because every element of our government is ripe for jokes, I’ve divided this into a three part series. Last week, I explained the executive branch. This week, it’s the legislative branch. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Explaining U.S. branches of government to foreigners, children (Part 2)

Once an astronaut, always an astronaut?

The Sacramento Superior Court ruled Thursday that Jose Hernandez, a former NASA astronaut who served for two weeks aboard the International Space Station, can list himself as an astronaut on California’s primary election ballot. His occupation listing was challenged by “a Sacramento law firm with ties to top state Republicans,” who maintain that since Hernandez hasn’t been in space or NASA since January 2011, that being a rocket man is no longer his primary occupation.

Considering that only 327 Americans have gone into space since 1961 — and because he is probably a carrier of Space Madness (which we’ve previously warned about) — we’re pretty sure he’s considered an astronaut for the rest of his life. Besides, check out his Wikipedia page: Jose Hernandez (astronaut).

After all, once we sell this site to a Czech communal comedy farm, we’re still going to list ourselves as Guys.

Welcome to (a preview of) Herman Cain’s America

People of all stripes have been arguing that America’s in a bad place right now. Our deficit is soaring, our rich are hogging up all the yachts and our kids — man, they suck. They’re fat, their music is weird, they cut themselves and they still haven’t lifted the U.S. out of a recession by getting jobs and buying all the CDs and DVDs (that we still think are weird).

But, is it so bad that even Canada gets to rag on us? Apparently so.

Our Congress didn’t help, of course, when they determined that, for school lunches, the two tablespoons of tomato sauce per slice makes pizza a vegetable. (A tomato is a fruit, until you squeeze it and add salt. Then it’s a vegetable, and that is science.*) And, with the double-helping of vegetables that comes with adding french fries, it looks like it’ll be up to our children’s children to stand up to those wendi-jerkoffs on our northern border.

*Today’s science is brought to you by Dr. Papa John, Director of the Hand-Tossed Institute.




Just add Petraeus

The U.S. Senate voted unanimously to put Gen. David Petraeus in charge of the “war” in Afghanistan. Petraeus will take over duties performed by his former underling, General Stanley McChyrstal.

This is the second time that the United States Congress has appointed Petraeus to fix a war it neglected to declare, the first being the “war” in Iraq.

Gazing into our SeriouslyCrystal ball, we see the future …. It is 2012 …. War in Afghanistan … still ongoing; however … Petraeus reassigned to … the War on Drugs!

You heard it here first, folks: come 2012, there will be a new sheriff in Drugtown. (Not sure if Iraq or Afghanistan will be wrapped up by that point.)

Mess with the goat, you get the horns

Life in the Washington, D.C. area is one that is many things, but is always one where the possibility of an attack is in the back of one’s mind. Last week, the nightmare came true.

There’s no easy way of saying this: the animals are attacking our leaders. A mohair goat was brought to D.C. as part of a protest against something or other (the protests all sort of blur for locals), and ended up jabbing Rep. Anthony Weiner, D-N.Y., in the hand with his horn, drawing blood. Let me repeat that: drawing blood.

This is no time to get all animal-rightsy, your country needs you. Imagine your home is invaded by a burglar, would you fight back? Now, what if that burglar was an animal? Exactly.

Take it from Snee: Crackshot Commando

I don’t like to brag too much about my military record. For one thing, it’s not very conducive to my online comedy career. I want you to laugh with me, not laugh because–if there’s a way for a former Space Green Beret to reach through your monitor–I’ll thumb-gouge your eyes out.

But, with the recent attacks on Connecticut Democrat senatorial candidate Richard Blumenthal and U.S. Representative Mark Kirk (R.-Ill.) that call their military careers into question, I feel it is time to stand up with these brave men.

By “stand up,” I mean to tell my own story, which is so incredible that it can only prove their claims are no less preposterous. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Crackshot Commando