Tag: Congress

Mess with the goat, you get the horns

Life in the Washington, D.C. area is one that is many things, but is always one where the possibility of an attack is in the back of one’s mind. Last week, the nightmare came true.

There’s no easy way of saying this: the animals are attacking our leaders. A mohair goat was brought to D.C. as part of a protest against something or other (the protests all sort of blur for locals), and ended up jabbing Rep. Anthony Weiner, D-N.Y., in the hand with his horn, drawing blood. Let me repeat that: drawing blood.

This is no time to get all animal-rightsy, your country needs you. Imagine your home is invaded by a burglar, would you fight back? Now, what if that burglar was an animal? Exactly.

Take it from Snee: Crackshot Commando

I don’t like to brag too much about my military record. For one thing, it’s not very conducive to my online comedy career. I want you to laugh with me, not laugh because–if there’s a way for a former Space Green Beret to reach through your monitor–I’ll thumb-gouge your eyes out.

But, with the recent attacks on Connecticut Democrat senatorial candidate Richard Blumenthal and U.S. Representative Mark Kirk (R.-Ill.) that call their military careers into question, I feel it is time to stand up with these brave men.

By “stand up,” I mean to tell my own story, which is so incredible that it can only prove their claims are no less preposterous. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Crackshot Commando

Fabulous news regarding DADT

After nearly two years of gay and lesbian advocates asking the Obama administration to repeal “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell,” it appears that Congress will introduce a bill, possibly even this week.

President Barack Obama is reportedly on-board with the plan, albeit “grudgingly” because he didn’t plan to introduce anything until at earliest November, by which time he could find a way to support gays in the military without it sounding “so gay.” The President quickly added, “Not that there’s anything wrong with that.”

President Obama’s hesitation is understandable since his first 18 months in office have been plagued with questions about his sexuality. There was Mustardgate when Obama ordered Dijon mustard for his burger. Or the knowing glances he got in response to asking Secretary of State Clinton if a tie brought out his eyes enough.

Even before his election, he was declared an ivory tower elitist, who pals around with terrorists … terrorists, who might be gay and hate straight people.

Should the amendment make it into defense authorization bill, the repeal would not take effect until after a study by the Joint Chiefs of Staff to ensure that the entire military won’t look gay … you know, except for the gays … who are valuable assets members contributors to national defense.

Animals buttering us up for offensive

The military is concerned about fat, and with today’s national security concerns, they should be. Because animals won’t rest until you, your family and everyone you know is fat, slow and delicious.

Retired U.S. military officers are recommending that Congress regulate and spend more on school lunches. They cite an increased problem with turning away rising numbers of obese recruits. And they believe that school lunches, high in grease, fat and soda are the culprit.

We all know where school lunches come from, people: animals. From the Salisbury steak to the bacon bits in the green beans to paste in kindergarten class, animals are fattening themselves up on hormones and protein to disable our fighting men and women.

But that’s not all: animals are also trying to curb our exercise.

Water aerobics classes in Darwin, Australia are canceled until a crocodile leaves the pool or at least promises not to eat anyone. Without water aerobics, how will Australia’s military get into shape? HOW?

You Missed It: Socialized hyperbole edition

Bryan McBournie is busy this week, currently putting neckties on cats and sombreros on frogs. He really likes sitcoms. As such, I’ll be taking over for your news roundup this week. This is because I’m not busy or swamped with work at the office now; that was yesterday. If you were busy being a former Alaskan governor being granted your own reality show, odds are you missed it.

You got health care in my government

Congress made a fairly historic move by passing a federal health care bill. As a result, nearly half of the United States is horrified by this move, claiming a victim status, with the other near half furiously defending the legislation with a righteous vigor. Truly, the only victims have the been rest of us and our Facebook feed, as we’ve been subjected to nothing but misspelled text arguments. Kids, there is no letter “U” in “federal.”

The games will continue

March Craziness (copyright Bryan McBournie) continues on into the Sweet 16 round. Most of the coverage has been spent on the vaunted Cinderella teams of Northern Iowa, Saint Mary’s, Cornell, Butler and Washington. A lot of news outlets will put a positive spin on these teams, nearly to the point of inspirational. Not this guy. Northern Iowa ruined my bracket for this year and if they go down in a defeat that gives the viewers leprosy, I’m totally fine with that.

Someone’s not living up to their title

A man from Russia managed to solve what’s been decided as one of the world’s most difficult mathematical problems. His reward for doing so? One million dollars and the title of the world’s most cleverest man. He has decided to refuse the money and go back to his cockroach infested flat in Russia. Sounds like someone ain’t quite so smart-like, ain’t’cha college boy?

Calling a spade a tool of Big Digging

After admitting to yelling out “Baby killer!” during Rep. Stupak’s backpedaling explanation to vote for the health care reform bill, Rep. Randy Neugebauer (R-Tex.) regrets his outburst.

No, it’s not because he called a fellow abortion-opponent a baby killer. It’s also not because he sounded suspiciously like an unwashed hippie circa 1969.

No, Rep. Neugebauer regrets it because he has to maintain his bulls#@t explanation for yelling it out:

“… I exclaimed the phrase ‘it’s a baby killer’ in reference to the agreement reached by the Democratic leadership[, not] as a direct reference to Congressman Stupak himself.”

Yes, because that’s exactly how we yell at bad drivers: “That Ford Focus is a maniac!” Or at a terrorist in the mall: “Bomb vest! Bomb vest! That bomb vest is gonna kill that poor man who’s wearing it!” Or at barbers that always give us the same bad haircut: “Stop those clippers before they nick my neck again!”

You Missed It: Understated celebration edition

Sad to say, but it’s the end of February, everyone’s favorite month. Not only is it cold and snowy, but it’s a month of great holidays everyone either loves or questions its existence, like Groundhog Day (Feb. 2), Valentine’s Day (Feb. 14), President’s Day (Feb. 15), and Waitangi Day (Feb. 6). It’s also the end of Black History Month, so say goodbye to ‘Glory’ on your cable’s OnDemand service. Now we get to say hello to March, which like a schizophrenic sex partner, comes in like a lion and leaves like a lamb, or vis versa. If you were busy having a sit-down with opponents to your health care reform plan, odds are you missed it.

At least they have one medal to cheer about
The Canadian women’s hockey team won gold medals in Thursday night’s game. They celebrated in the traditional Olympic manner during the medal ceremony. Then, a half hour later, they came back out onto the ice, this time wielding champagne, beer and cigars. The on-ice celebration is allegedly a common form of Canadian celebration. One of the players trying to drive the Zamboni? Not so much. In case you’re wondering, champions drink Coors Light and Molson Canadian (natch).

The $500 bathroom trip
Over 400 people became sick on a cruise ship in the Caribbean this week. Rather than a memorable cruise to some tropical location, the norovirus went on vacation with 435 of the 1,838 passengers, who basically saw more of the poop deck than anything else. What’s even more surprising, the ship on which the the outbreak of diarrhea occurred, Celebrity Cruise Lines’ “Mercury,” had two outbreaks last year. Let’s just say you want to stay away from the hot tub on that boat.

Moving forward–whether you want to or not
Akio Toyoda, the president of Toyota, (much like William C. Fort is the head of Ford) testified before Congress this week over the recalls his company has been hit with and the recent memos bragging about a 2007 deal with the federal government that have surfaced recently. During his testimony, Toyoda said the company will work hard to regain consumer trust and fix the issues. In other news, even this isn’t helping General Motors’ sales.

Congress is too manly for its own good

Are you tired of Congress? Does it seem like they just won’t get the job done, no matter who we send there? Do you believe lawmakers are no longer willing to work together on the issues? Sen. Evan Bayh, D-Ind., agrees with you, which is why he’s done with it all.

The problem with Congress today? They’ve got balls.

Yes, in an interview, Bayh said “testosterone poisoning” was part of a culture shift in Congress that has led to everyone hating everyone and picking sides. Well, that and reality television. Bayh also said “tribal” politics has led to our current situation. It is so bad that congressmen are organizing themselves into two groups, and every two years some people get voted out.

You Missed It: Seeing red edition

I don’t know about you guys, but this part of the winter is the worst for me. The holidays are over, it’s cold and miserable, and it’s not even February. On top of all this, all there is to look forward to now is Valentine’s Day. Then again, I had a long weekend when most people didn’t. So in summary, I feel bad for you, dear reader. If you were busy claiming a bastard as your daughter, odds are you missed it.

Wicked huge stunnah
Republican Massachusetts state Senator Scott Brown defeated state Attorney General Martha Coakley, a Democrat, in a special election to fill the seat once held by Ted Kennedy. The GOP’s stunning win is being hailed as an omen of elections to come later this year and puts obstructionism back in the the Congressional vocabulary where it belongs. Thus ends the longest-running Massachusetts curse since the Boston Red Sox 86-year World Series drought.

Another disappointed Bostonian
The end of the LenO’Brien (TM) battle is over. As expected, Conan O’Brien will be leaving The Tonight Show after signing a deal with NBC. In fact, tonight is his last night hosting the show. As part of the severance package, O’Brien will receive $32 million and will be able to pursue other networks as early as September. However, NBC gets the rides to all of the characters he created. This means we can look forward to watching Jay leno do skits with the Masturbating Bear.

This paragraph is brought to you by the good people at GE
Speaking of corporations getting their way (I’m on fire with the segues this week, aren’t I?), the U.S. Supreme Court loosened restrictions on organizations and corporations to campaign spending. In a 5-4 vote, the justices decided that money is a form of free speech, and though they have lots of it, companies should be allow to spend that free speech like a human being would when endorsing a candidate. This is a good thing, because if there’s one problem with elections in America, it’s that politicians don’t listen to special interests enough.

You Missed It: Post-off-off-election Edition

Bryan McBournie missed You Missed It this week to visit Glenn Beck as he recovers from his removed appendix. I tried to tell him that it was simple outpatient surgery, but he insisted, carrying flowers and a special embroidered pillow with him. He also muttered a lot, but that could have been the booze talking.

Anyway, if you were busy banking your political clout on a lifeless third-party accountant, odds are You Missed It.

Other people finally love A-Rod
The Yankees won the World Series, proving that if you throw enough money at a problem, year after year after year, and finally build a stadium more conducive to home runs, you can finally solve it.

Won’t buy with a little help from our friends
The Beatles released the first digital recordings of their songs on an apple-shaped USB drive as an obvious jab at “that other Apple” that still isn’t allowed to sell them on iTunes. I’d go into further detail, but we’re busy listening to our pirated mp3’s that were sub-delivered by the Blue Meanies.

We’ll be surprised if it lives past infancy
And in health news, the House of Representatives is poised to vote on a health care reform bill this weekend. The legislation has endured several rewrites, hilariously named protests, bizarre comparisons to the Bible and several toner replacements just to print it. If passed, it will move on to the Senate, where they will add provisions for serious health issues like celebrity dog museums, anti-weather balloon countermeasures and an Oxygen Bar in the Congressional cafeteria.