It’s spring time here in the Northern Hemisphere, and that means the animals have moved from their winter quarters and are on the attack. The War on Animals is here again.
In Connecticut, it’s off to an early start. A bunch of hawks are terrorizing the good people of Fairfield. Local police have warned residents to be careful after several residents have reported hawks swooping down and attacking their heads. State and federal officials have even gotten involved. Hoping to relocate the offending hawks.
You would think they would learn that there’s only one way to deal with these creatures.
Guys, as you probably noticed on Facebook, there isn’t a Take it from Snee this week. That’s because I’m too busy working on this week’s issue of the Rick Snee Antidisestablishmentarian Militia.
And, let me tell you, this has not been an easy one to put together. People seem to be really on our case after Friday’s tragic shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, Connecticut. As you’ve noticed, we and the NRA have been quiet this week, and for good reason: we don’t have to say a word. Our members will do it for us. It’s called viral marketing, and they have caught Second Amendment Fever!
So, as the nation mourns (again), RAM has nothing to say except that this was a terrible tragedy, and words cannot express how pained we are. Nor can we offer any insight into the actions on that terrible day … but here’s what some ordinary, normal folks (*wink*) have said for us on Facebook and Twitter.
Suggested listening while reading:
Wuitschick! And you, Undercover Kindergartener! In our office! Shut the door behind you!
Wuitschick, are we to understand that you temporally took the wheel of a bus when you are clearly 13-years-old and don’t even have a learner’s permit!? You might have some pull with the deputy schools superintendent, the chief of police and the Los Angeles Times, but if we catch you even smelling a gas pedal, we’ll bust you back to crossing guard so fast that you’ll think Dennis Hopper rigged the order to explode. We don’t care if the driver was having a heart attack!
And you, Undercover Kindergartner! We’ve got the D.A. and Internal Affairs snooping around to see if you planted evidence on your stepdad. Heroin at show-and-tell? That’s the oldest trick in the book. You’re getting sloppy, U.K., and one of these days, you’re gonna screw up so bad that there won’t be enough butterflies to counteract the s@#tstorm that will come of it!
(It’s the butterfly theory. You see, every major storm system begins with the fla — you know what?Ask your teacher. That is if you haven’t busted her in a student sex sting.)
Maybe it was a mistake for The Guys to create a police force consisting entirely of children. God knows we don’t get much sleep thinking about what you reckless loose cannons have been doing out there, masquerading as justice. But, dammit … we can’t argue with your results. Get back out there, and if you see Johnson and Cotton, send them in.
Alligator snapping turtle. American alligators. Burmese pythons of increasing length. Some might call these fearsome warriors in the war against animals. Others might call them incredibly formidable foes.
It came out yesterday that Blumenthal, who is running for the U.S. Senate, did not actually serve in Vietnam, despite making many carefully worded claims he did, and at least once just flat out saying he did. In reality, he got at least five deferments, and then got into the Marine Corps Reserve, keeping him out of the war.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t that Rip Torn fella, painting the town red again.
Note: if you get drunk, don’t aspire to be Rip Torn. He allegedly got a little tipsy and decided to rob a bank. That always work well for everyone involved, right? Sure! Okay, so maybe not, since Rip is now held on a 100 grand bond. Should’ve brought a noisy cricket with him.
Now, could this story have gotten any better? Of course. Simply swap Rip Torn with Rip Taylor and make sure that his revolver shot only confetti. Then the robbery would be fab-u-louuus.
Of course, the owner of the cowlet sees it as a holy sign. This might be true, but we have to be careful of misinterpreting the sign. Some might see it as a sign to protect the cow and treasure it. Of course, those people would be wrong.
God so loved the world that he gave a Connecticut farmer this cowlet so that his family could enjoy the most divine veal ever made on Jesus’ birthday
Are you a minor that needs to learn how to be cool? Are you a floozy on summer break who misses the stale beer stench of a dark frat house basement? Is beer pong just a little too real for you? We have the solution!
It’s “Frat Party Games: Beer Pong” for the Nintendo Wii!
But wait, Connecticut Attorney General Richard Blumenthal is here to totally break up your party, brah. He is making JV Games Vice President Jag Jaeger (yes, Jaeger) un-pop his collar and change the name to “Pong Toss,” because an alcohol-themed game available to teens is “inappropriate.”
How else are they going to learn the rules of the game?
Blumenthal also put JV Games on double-secret probation.
Don’t let that McCain ad in our right-hand margin fool you: SeriouslyGuys is, and always has been, a relatively apolitical site. We don’t endorse candidates because we’re issues-driven. (Those issues, of course, are the wars on animals, aliens and education.) That said, when we write about political candidates in the Scurry section, it’s always in the interest of equal-opportunity offense.
So there’s been some bellyaching from Hillary-supporters. They are upset because Barack Obama gets, as they put it, “far more coverage” in the media. In an attempt to balance the Democratic media-coverage spreadsheet, I’ve decided to provide the Hillary campaign with coverage comparable to Obama’s. (You’re welcome, Mrs. Clinton.)