The city of Norwalk, Connecticut is in disarray after one of its most time-honored traditions became a target by our worst enemies: the animals.
Locals are planning to gather at City Hall tonight to watch the annual Christmas tree lighting, but there’s a chance it won’t happen because of sabotage. Workers setting up the tree found that several strands of lights they had recently put up were chewed through by squirrels. The most likely reason is to disrupt the tranquility we feel in holiday traditions, but there’s another side here.
What if the squirrels are chewing away at the wiring to harvest the copper, then sell it back to us to finance their operations?
Now, we don’t particularly care much for animals, especially given the desire of beetles to purposefully reduce our supply of oxygen. But what we certainly don’t care for is a smear campaign against a gender.
“The female makes this when she comes in and she lays her eggs. Then the little larvae go off and form these little side tunnels.”
See, we at SG are very keen on equal rights. Don’t lay all the blame on the female members of the species, lay the blame on all of them. Don’t half-ass on eradication of a species, go all the way, we say.
It was the best of crimes, it was the worst of crimes.
Over the pond, in the merry old land of Blighty, quite the villain has surfaced. Seemingly blessed with super powers or perhaps touched by an evil magic enchantment (hey, we don’t know what’s going on in the land of Alan Moore), a man was able to rob a shopkeeper via hypnotism. After putting the owner in the hands of his mystical prowess, the thief proceeded to rifle through his pockets, eventually discovering and then running off with the day’s earnings. And there’s video proof of the incident so there’s no way whatsoever that this couldn’t be a well-acted hoax!
Hopefully, this brigand stays over in his country, but if he does make his way across the ocean, we can only hope that he comes to New Haven, Connecticut. There, a robber attempted to relieve a convenience mart of its troublesome amount of money; however, the clerk working there was having none of it. He proceeded to shame the thief out of robbing the store. Despite facing an armed individual, he relied only on his words to solve the situation … and he was successful.
For those of you on the East Coast of the United States, you understand when we say that it was a brutally cold winter. For those of you on the West Coast of the United States, we will laugh when your half of the country falls into the ocean. Below freezing temperatures, consistently gusting winds and record snowfall in some parts just made it, well, frankly, unbearable.
It’s going to get worse.
Pancakes are, pound for pound, one of the most delicious food items on the planet. But they’re going to get just a little off in their taste. The aforementioned winter has managed to slow down maple syrup production (ironic, just a bit). The sap won’t flow unlike the spice and without temperatures heating up, a syrup shortage may come into affect.
So get out your prayer beads and start communicating with your sun gods, people, because The Guys refuse to our my pancakes and French toast without maple syrup.
We’ll tell you this once and we won’t say it again: SG don’t know nuttin’ about how no fish may or may not have ended up dead.
Head honchos from the Department of Energy and Environmental Protection are blaming it on the cold snap that’s blanketed a lot of the country last week, saying that it shocked their systems so much that they straight up died. As a result, they’ve now been cannibalized by many of their former allies.
The Guys are far from being fans of extreme cold weather, but if it means we might be able to rid ourselves of some enemies … well, we can put on some extra layers.
Guys, as you probably noticed on Facebook, there isn’t a Take it from Snee this week. That’s because I’m too busy working on this week’s issue of the Rick Snee Antidisestablishmentarian Militia.
And, let me tell you, this has not been an easy one to put together. People seem to be really on our case after Friday’s tragic shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, Connecticut. As you’ve noticed, we and the NRA have been quiet this week, and for good reason: we don’t have to say a word. Our members will do it for us. It’s called viral marketing, and they have caught Second Amendment Fever!
So, as the nation mourns (again), RAM has nothing to say except that this was a terrible tragedy, and words cannot express how pained we are. Nor can we offer any insight into the actions on that terrible day … but here’s what some ordinary, normal folks (*wink*) have said for us on Facebook and Twitter.
Suggested listening while reading:
Wuitschick! And you, Undercover Kindergartener! In our office! Shut the door behind you!
Wuitschick, are we to understand that you temporally took the wheel of a bus when you are clearly 13-years-old and don’t even have a learner’s permit!? You might have some pull with the deputy schools superintendent, the chief of police and the Los Angeles Times, but if we catch you even smelling a gas pedal, we’ll bust you back to crossing guard so fast that you’ll think Dennis Hopper rigged the order to explode. We don’t care if the driver was having a heart attack!
And you, Undercover Kindergartner! We’ve got the D.A. and Internal Affairs snooping around to see if you planted evidence on your stepdad. Heroin at show-and-tell? That’s the oldest trick in the book. You’re getting sloppy, U.K., and one of these days, you’re gonna screw up so bad that there won’t be enough butterflies to counteract the s@#tstorm that will come of it!
(It’s the butterfly theory. You see, every major storm system begins with the fla — you know what?Ask your teacher. That is if you haven’t busted her in a student sex sting.)
Maybe it was a mistake for The Guys to create a police force consisting entirely of children. God knows we don’t get much sleep thinking about what you reckless loose cannons have been doing out there, masquerading as justice. But, dammit … we can’t argue with your results. Get back out there, and if you see Johnson and Cotton, send them in.
Alligator snapping turtle. American alligators. Burmese pythons of increasing length. Some might call these fearsome warriors in the war against animals. Others might call them incredibly formidable foes.