Newsflash: Horrible cookies are horrible

Girl Scout cookies are awesome. Sadly, they stopped making them with real Girl Scouts back in the summer of 1982, but nonetheless, they still remain delicious little morsels that are a bit more overpriced than what you’ll find in a grocery store.

Except Thin Mints. The marriage of chocolate and mint is an abomination and sin before God and man!

Ahem. As we were saying, you can’t really go wrong with most any girl scout cookie, with the exception of the previously mentioned Thin Mints and Lemon Chalet Cremes, but for the latter, that’s because lemon is a horrible dessert flavor. Now, there’s more to it than just a nasty flavoring; try a nasty smell as well.

Many people have recently discovered that their Lemon Chalet Cremes have had both a nasty smell and taste. (That would be lemon flavoring, you uncivilized oaf.) After barraging it with a series of tests, Little Brownie Bakers has declared that the cookies are safe for consumption.

Apparently, the odor came from oils in the cookies that did not break down properly in the production phase. Which is slightly troubling, mainly because it’s oil, which isn’t very well known for its inability to break down.

Of course, we could not care less about this news, just so long as our delicious Peanut Butter Patties and Samoas (political correctness be damned) are go for take-off.

It was not a good day for food

We hope that you’re not eating. If you are, you might want to go ahead and finish up the mastication process, as we’d like to you finish your food.

Done?

Good. Because of those were Nestle Toll House cookies, you might have E. coli. Congratulations!

Okay, there’s a very good chance that you don’t. Still, you might want to be careful. Two samples of Nestlé’s refrigerated Toll House cookie dough from the Danville, Virginia plant tested positive for E. coli bacteria. But wait, you say. “If it’s from a plant, it could get in my mouth!”

No. The tainted dough did not leave the factory, and Nestle is not recalling any product. However, the company did say that it will close the Virginia plant for two weeks to change its cleaning and production process. So slam freshly baked cookies into your mouth all you want!

Unless they’re SpaghettiO cookies. In which case, you might want to pour out a can.

No, not for a bad reason like above. The creator of SpaghettiOs, Donald Goerke, died at the age of 83. He will best be remembered for Chunky soup, canned pasta that was able to be preserved and a sauce that I found vastly inferior to Chef Boyardee. CHEF BOYARDEE SHARKS 4 LIFE.

Nothing yummy shall come from this

In the Bible, it’s written that the meek shall inherit the Earth. But they’ll have to inherit it without delicious homemade cupcakes and fried apple pies. At least, if they happen to be the meek of New York City.

New York City’s Education Department has made rulings that no bake sales can take place at schools. This all falls under a new series of changes regarding vending machines and student run stores, and since no takes the time to create their own specialized nutritional value charts for each individual muffin, all the better to just ban it, right? Remember, it’s all to help out the children!

Don’t worry, though. It’s now being advised that kids can raise money for school events or team needs by instead selling items like t-shirts and key chains. After all, those are totally top sellers in high schools! Everyone loves those little wacky eyed key chains, right?

Finally, we can breathe easy

Life is short. It’s also scary. We don’t know what our next will end up being. Heck, we don’t even know if we’ll still have a job tomorrow. Life is not just short, it’s expensive. Unfortunately, another salmonella outbreak in peanut butter-based products has made one of the most delicious yet cost-conscious foods to ever grace our palettes that much more expensive. But don’t worry …

Girl Scout cookies are still safe. This apparently news-worthy article has been brought to you by the delicious Samoas and Peanut Butter Patties.

Help fight the war by eating junk food

We all know the tastiest food comes from animals, in general, the cutest ones. But now, eating stuff that probably doesn’t have animal parts in it, stuff like cookies, can help rid the world of our animal foes.

You see, many junk foods and other useful products like hair conditioner use palm oil. There is such a demand for palm oil that entire sections of rain forests in Indonesia and Malaysia are being cleared out for palm oil plantations.

“Big deal,” you say. “How does this help me defeat the beasts?” Well, the rain forests they burn not only help fight the War on the Ozone Layer, but it destroys the habitat of many different animals, including the last wild habitat of the orangutan. Yes, wash your hair and eat some Girl Scout cookies and you can give an ape the fate it deserves: a long, slow death by starvation caused by lack of habitat and fear of dudes running around with machetes.

How To: Stay healthy

Remember lunch time as kid, when your parents would tell you to eat the crust of your sandwich, because it was “good for your teeth?” Or how about when they told you an apple a day keeps the doctor away? Or the so-called experts, who can’t decide if eggs are good or bad for you? What a bunch of crap you’ve been fed all your life.

Now it’s time to set the record straight. Here are some simple tips to help you stay healthy and save money from expensive visits to the doctor’s office. Here’s how to stay healthy. Continue reading How To: Stay healthy