How to be a bigot at home

With all of your friends picketing Chick-fil-A, it’s hard to take a bite out of gay marriage without broadcasting your bigotry. What’s a closeted homophobe to do? Thank goodness for Fox News, because now you can make America’s favorite godfearing chicken sandwich in the safety of your home.

Well, you can make your own Chick-fil-A … so long as you happen to have a canister of MSG lying around your kitchen:

“After a little of this and less of that, Serious Eats found the perfect combination that gets it close to that sweet-salty-savory-hot balance [of spices]: Salt, sugar, MSG, black pepper, cayenne, and paprika.”

And now we know why Mike Huckabee loves this s%@t so much.

The McBournie Minute: Break the fast with the hair of the dog

There is a good chance many of you don’t know this, but I am a gourmet chef. I taught myself, and I believe it is now time for me to have my own cooking show. Of course, the world is saturated with cooking shows (both the how-to and the pseudo-dramatic types), so I have used my creativity and come up with a new angle.

The show will be called The Drunken Chef. Every week, I put back a few on camera, then show you how you can make a great sauce with getting sauced. Here’s how it would go:

“Hello there, and welcome to The Drunken Chef. I am your host, Bryan. I prefer you call me by my first name because we’re all friends here, and I kind of think of this as a bar. You don’t call people Mr. So-and-so at a bar, not even your boss. Anyway, as you have no doubt noticed, during my introduction, I have downed three shots of liquor. Now, today I am using Jim Beam bourbon, because it’s not horrible and it’s less than $40 for a handle. Can’t say that about Jack, can you? Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Break the fast with the hair of the dog

Today’s green tip

Cooking: most of us fear it, but find it necessary. (You can only eat raw steak with an uncooked potato so many times.) But the thing about cooking is that it is just not eco-friendly. Sure, it may make things taste good, and save you money you could be spending on driving to a restaurant, eating there, and driving back, leaving a cloud of greehouse gasses in your wake, but it’s not green enough.

You see, ovens, microwaves and stoves use energy, and that energy comes from a power or natural gas processing plant, which means you are killing the environment with your selfish need to eat things several times a day.

Luckily, one man found a solution: a solar-heated oven. All you need is some cardboard, some aluminum foil and an acrylic cover. It can bake stuff, you just have to wait a while and have no idea what the temperature inside the oven is or how long its been cooking. Let’s totally throw out the window the fact that cardboard burns. This is a great idea that could help developing countries keep from starvation, or collecting firewood. We can save trees by giving them these ovens.

Wait, isn’t cardboard made from trees, too?

This may not be a good sign for the newlyweds

Weddings are great. You get all dressed up and you can even say you went to church that week. However, everyone’s really looking forward to the wedding reception, where there is expected to be a nice spread of food, and more importantly, an open bar.

But sometimes wedding receptions can go wrong. If you are attending a wedding in China any time soon, we strongly suggest you fast the whole time.

This week, around 170 wedding guests had to be rushed to the hospital, when some cooks mistakenly added rust remover to the broth. The rust remover was mistaken for salt, but is not, apparently, as edible as salt. But it was not the only wedding disaster in the country.

In a bizarre coincidence, 61 wedding guests were taken to hospital with similar symptoms a day earlier after a duck-and-donkey-meat banquet in northwest China.

Duck-and-donkey-meat? Our mouths are watering right now.

Schadenfreude: International blend

Good morning! And what a morning it is: the dawning of yet another wonderful day!

Just think of the day you have ahead of you: showering, sitting in traffic, going to work, eating a lousy lunch with people you hate, sitting in more traffic, cooking dinner, cleaning the kitchen — all while trying not to beat your children! Goodness, but these are blessed times, aren’t they?

No, they aren’t. When your only relaxation is going to a gym to work out, you really hate the people that make it look so easy. People like, oh, Martha Stewart …

Well, guess who’s persona non gratis in the United Kingdom? Yep, Martha’s life was easy when she was given insider trading tips, but now she’s not allowed to visit investors and business partners in Merry Olde England.

And that, we think, is a good thing.

Mm, Schadenfreude: make it every morning’s shameful joy.