The danger posed by animals is real, folks. It’s very, very real. We cannot caution you enough against trusting animals that you call pets, because no matter how much you love them, they want to destroy your life, including burning down your house.
In South Carolina, a sheriff’s deputy is now homeless because one of her animals torched her home when she was gone. The theory is that the deputy’s pig knocked over a heat lamp in an animal pen, setting a fire that spread to the house.
The pig survived the incident and has not been charged, but we believe it should go towards replenishing the nation’s pork belly supplies.
Be careful the next time you grab some doughnuts, it could land you in jail.
In Orlando, Florida, a 64-year-old man was pulled over and charged with possession of methamphetamine. Turned out to just be some glaze left over from a Krispy Kreme doughnut. At the time, cops thought it was a crystal, and some field tests found there was residue of illegal substances on the car’s dashboard. Weeks later, lab tests found there was nothing illicit at all. The only thing he was guilty of was a bi-weekly Krispy Kreme habit.,
So let the news go far and wide: Krispy Kreme puts meth in their doughnuts.
The Guys are tech savvy. We know how typewriters work. We know how mimeographs work. We know how to use the Victrola with skill and aplomb. We also know how to use a phone, a camera and 911.
That’s more than we can say about Kyle Huynh.
For years, people have labeled cops into two categories: The ones in shape, and the ones that are horribly out of shape, and when we mean out of shape, brother, these men create their own shapes. Okay, so, maybe people have labeled cops in more than just those two categories, but for the purpose of this post, let’s just go with the above.
BUT, we may have now found our new across the globe brother in arms: New Delhi. Five policemen recently died on the job. The cause of death? Heart attacks in all, apparently happening while the guys were taking part in a physical fitness test required to be promoted.
So, I guess that’d place under the latter of the two categories that we mentioned earlier: The ones that are horribly out of shape. Right? Maybe not so much. While…
Most of those competing in the race were in their mid-40s and were described as “middle aged and unfit”….
the constables who died had been suffering from heart complaints and high blood pressure but either “did not inform the department of their ailments or they were not themselves aware of the disease”.
It might be safe to say that New Delhi doesn’t F around with having officers that are in shape:
A further 100 officers fainted during the trial in which they had to run 10 kilometres in less than ninety minutes in high monsoon temperatures.
Clearly, New Delhi cops are like the Wu Tang Clan.
A Florida man whose home was notoriously raided by undercover detectives who stopped to play Wii bowling (who were subsequently sanctioned for their actions) has agreed to a plea bargain that will send him to prison for three years.
Michael Difalco, of Lakeland, Florida was sentenced on Tuesday to three years in the state pen and surrendered a ton of property under civil asset forfeiture laws. He was the drug dealer who caught narcotics detectives on camera playing his Wii, 20 minutes into a raid on his home.
The officers received “retraining” and a letter of reprimand. Though Difalco’s lawyer and other defense attorneys in the area raised objections to the police conduct, the search was not invalidated. DENIED. The worst it got for law enforcement was a viral video of one rather large and in charge detective jumping up and down after nailing two strikes in a row on Wii Sports’ bowling mini-game.
At a time when it seems the 24-hour news networks aren’t aware of their own banality, CNN asks whether the media has payed too much attention to Jon and Kate Gosselin and the Octomom … in another f$#king article about the Gosselins and the Octomom.
The CNN piece mentions how Kate Gosselin gave an interview last week on NBC’s Today show and Live! With Regis & Kelly, and Nadya “Octomom” Suleman will appear in a two-hour special on Fox.
These are interesting points, except we’re talking about:
- The Today Show and Regis, two morning zoo shows. These are the big networks’ equivalent of an alarm clock that annoys you out of bed, only with fake tans and cooking segments. Stupid interviews with sad people are kind of standard, considering most of the audience is unemployed or in waiting rooms.
- Fox Two-Hour Specials. Previous Fox specials have included a bogus alien autopsy, the original When Animals Attack special and extra long segments of Cops and Jerry Springer.
So, way to go, CNN. You’ve managed to be the only “credible” source to cover vagina clown cars today.
Getting in a car accident can be a bummer (just ask my roommate). Getting into a car accident on your 72nd birthday can be even worse. That’s what happened to Rodell Alton Cole of Maryland recently, but that wasn’t the worst of his day.
Cole got into a minor fender bender with another motorist, so the police had to get involved. They found the senior citizen was driving on a suspended license and asked him to empty out his car. During this process, Cole removed a rather heavy bag police found to allegedly contain 156.2 pounds of marijuana, a street value of $1.4 million.
Police said they think Cole was on a drug run from New York City, but failed to comment on whether or not he had driven the whole way down going 45 mph on the highway with his blinker on.
In Alaska, wildlife is everywhere and the terrain is more untamed than tamed, so Alaska State Troopers are used to dealing with just about anything. However, let us not forget that animals are crafty, crafty creatures hellbent on destroying mankind.
One state trooper was driving along the road one night when something, later found to be a moose, fell from the sky. The moose narrowly missed the cop’s car, dying on impact with the ground. According to officials, the moose had fallen off a cliff above the road by accident.
This blog continues to be perplexed at Alaska’s cover-up attempt in what is clearly a kamikaze attack on the state’s finest. We all know the real story. As we learned earlier, stay away from moose at all costs.
(Suggested by many)