Your eyes look kinda gay, baby

Gay people: for years, we’ve known they walk among us. But, until recently, there was absolutely no way to tell who does what with whom until they’re doing it and we’re forced to explain whatever that is to our children.

Fortunately, science is leading the way with new testing technology to identify even the most closeted of homosexuals. In the past, responses to erotic pictures and video were measured by rubber bands around the penis or cameras up the vagina. But now, we don’t need doctors to smut up their labs. They can now watch your pupils dilate … as you watch erotica.

Of course, this new Voight-Kompff sexual identity test will only work until LGBT laboratories develop more lifelike homosexuals.

Turns out you didn’t see this coming

Back in 2010, Cornell University academic Daryl Bem published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology results of a study that seemed to indicate some degree of psychic ability in his test subjects. However, when three separate British scientists attempted to replicate the results, they failed to find any evidence whatsoever for ESP.

Maybe British psychics are poor test takers? We know our American psychic abilities flag a little without a good breakfast.