Man gets free sample of knuckle sandwich

Old people: they smell funny, they move slowly, they hate technology, and worst of all, they call people out for being jerks. It’s about time their uppance came.

Which is why today we celebrate the actions of Derrick Gharabighi, 24, who punched an old guy in the face. Gharabighi was enjoying multiple samples of Nutella at a Costco in the Los Angeles area, when Sahak Sahakian, 78, came along to ruin his day. The old guy reached for the last Nutella sample, Gharabighi grabbed his hand, and punched him in the eye when he protested.

Because all old people have glass jaws, Sahakian fell like a box of Nutella jars. Sadly, Gharabighi has been charged with elder abuse, further proof that special interest groups like senior citizens run the government.

Thanks, Brooke H.!

NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

Edible peanut butter? Nearly a million jars? Trashed?

NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! HOW COULD YOU, YOU BASTARDS! Clark Coll, don’t tell me that you had no choice. You always had a choice, and when the choice involves getting rid of edible peanut butter, that choice is Chris Taylor!

Someone needs to get Chugs a plane ticket to New Mexico now.

The greatest story ever sold wholesale

"And that no man might buy or sell, save he that had the mark, or the name of the beast, or the number of his name ... unless they sell the Bible as nonficiton. Then this is all on the level." --  Revelation 13:17
“And that no man might buy or sell, save he that had the mark, or the name of the beast, or the number of his name … unless the establishment that requires this of you doth sell the Bible as nonfiction. Then this is all on the level.” — Revelation 13:17

Caleb Kaltenbach, pastor of Discovery Church, lived up to his church’s name when, lo and behold, he did discover blasphemy in his local Costco. The chain of wholesale retailers had labeled the Bible as fiction on its price tag!

Kaltenbach and his congregation did not remain silent. Using the almighty twitter and then by speaking directly to the priesthood at Fox News, he was able to drum up a frenzy of holy spirit and righteousness, generating threats of a boycott. As members of his church, like Shellie Dungan put it, “I was completely offended. It’s wrong, and I believe that the Bible is real.”

Ultimately, Costco apologized and relabeled the books, resolving the issue. After all, none of Kaltenbach’s parishioners have a problem with the Lord’s word being sold for profit in a large warehouse that closely resembles their own mega-temple. They just want to make sure the moneychangers use the right terminology before selling their holy book by the pallet.

Just how big of a coat was he wearing?

Artificially created shortages are just plain stupid. Remember when you tried to get a Wii for the first 10 months after they came out, but couldn’t? Ever tried to get a new iPhone or iPad a week after it comes out? It’s frustrating and only serves to deter a consumer.

Jorge Sanchez may have tried to create an artificial shortage of his own, just on a much smaller scale.

And with motor oil.

Obviously, since we’re talking about this story, he wasn’t exactly successful.

Oh, Canada / Who knew that you are governed?

In the midst of U.N. Secretary-General Ban Ki-Moon’s busiest week of the year — the U.N. General Assembly — he received a call from what very well could have been the Canadian Prime Minister. Sure, it turned out to be two French Canadian radio disk jockeys, but could you pass that test?

And, in related news: Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad pulled a double-whammy on Israel this week. First, he used his entire allotted speaking time before the General Assembly to accuse Israel of trying to drum up a war. Then afterwards, he and his 100-member entourage tried to steal All The Savings at Payless and Costco.

Ahmadinejad responded to reporters outside of Payless, telling the American media to “tell your Jewish masters that, despite their attempts to derail our programs, the Islamic Republic of Iran has obtained Hush-Puppies at wholesale prices.”

Canada x US: Round 2

In the War of 1812, the world saw the first skirmish between neighbors in North America: the awesome United States of America versus the royal imperialists known as Canada. Despite their devious tactics of the northern lumberjacks, the US came out the winner.

The year is 2012. 200 years later, Canadians and citizens of the United States of America have begun to clash again. The cause for the war this time? Costco.

Hear this Canadians: you may have given us Dan Ackroyd, but you’ve also given us Tom Green, and we are more than willing to send him back.

Organic salads get even more organic

Though we’re a fairly carnivorous website, we understand the need for people to go vegetarian every now and then. Though it’s not nearly as strong a front that meat-eaters provide, the indirect approach to the War on Animals that plant-eaters use still makes an impact on our enemies.

We don’t necessarily think that the streams should be crossed though. When you’re hungry, you just want what you crave. If that’s a salad, then that’s a salad. Just a salad. Not a salad with a live tree frog.

SG wholeheartedly recommends not eating live tree frogs. They can be incredibly poisonous and toxic if touched, and most usually fatal if consumed. SG also wholeheartedly recommends not eating salads from wholesale stores, but not because they can be incredibly poisonous and toxic if touched and fatal if consumed. It’s just low-rent.

Aggravated assault with zero calories

Sometimes in life, we just don’t like coming to grips with what’s happened, especially if we’ve initiated the events. As such, some of us insist on shirking our responsibility. These excuses can come in the form of “the bitch set me up,” to “it wasn’t me,” or “the glove doesn’t fit,” to even “it’s not my fault.” Very rarely, though, do we get excuses in the form of cold, sugary, fountain accessed liquids.

A man in Pennsylvania is claiming that the reason he allegedly assaulted his senior citizen mother is because the Pepsi machine at the local CostCo made him do it.

Which is sound logic. And doesn’t make you a “soda jerk” at all.

The father told police that his son had said “that the Pepsi machine at Costco made him hurt his mother,” and that “he was mad at his mother because she smokes drugs.”

The drugs in question-they wouldn’t happen to be Coke, would they?

Don’t ever expect CostCola

Who would ever think that a gigantic bulk store could be the underdog in a situation? Believe it.

CostCo has decided to stop carrying Coca-Cola products at their stores. The reason why? Coke refuses to give them a larger discount for their products. Which, given the current economic climate, is pretty important to both companies, seeing as the two would very much like to keep a strong price margin.

Guess you’ll have to find a another way to get 64 cans of Diet Coke all at one time.