Court: ‘Condom’ just a city in France

A prophylactics company has not been able to contain the spunk of a city in France. Citizens of Condom, France have won their case against “The Original Condom Company,” a condoms-maker that markets itself as being from the town. However, the company’s address is to a vacant lot, while the real magic happens in Malaysia. (Ma-LAY-sia. Get it? … But, seriously, they’re not made in France, so that’s false advertising.)

This does not mean the town of Condom is off the hook, though. They’re still Condom, so they’re the butt of English language jokes, and they’re le derrière of French language jokes because the town is on the Baise river, which means “f%#k.”

No, really.

It’s OK, they can’t read this

Eight Amish men, who didn’t think things through before going all religiousy, have been sent to jail in Kentucky for failing to put an orange reflective warning sign on the back of their horse-drawn buggies. The men failed to comply with the road safety law and refused to pay their fines, saying to even do that would violate their prohibition against bright colors or man-made symbols.

For sticking to their faith, they have been rewarded by their God with brightly-colored jumpsuits, cable television, free internet and phone calls and butt sex.

:: slow clap ::

Doubloons be sparrrse across th’ Seven Seas

Due to the overindulgence of a few landlubber thieves on Wall Street, times be tough for Buccaneer-Americans of all shapes and sizes. But we be not the only ones keeping an extra eye on the treasure chest these days: the Brits and the Russians are lacking in the booty department.

In fancy-pantaloons England, parents no longer give their younger crewmates their fair share of the loot! Average pocket money for the little hearties fell from 6.24 pounds a week in 2009 to 5.89. 5.89!? How much grog can you get for a lousy 5.89? Certainly not enough for fresh, pink lights and livers.

And in Russia, where pirates drink vodka with their limes, the local constabulary’s shanghaied a debting lass’s Shar Peis! What’s next? Marooning malamutes? Lashing labradors? Keelhauling koolies? Wenching Welsh corgis?

Fact finding Friday

Hey everyone, we’ve got some special news for you on this end of the week day!

Fun Fact: You can lie about having a Medal of Honor.

Fun Fact: The Ninth US Circuit Court of Appeals in San Francisco says that lying about having a unique award is not a criminal act.

Fun Fact: The Ninth US Circuit Court of Appeals in San Francisco says that it’s okay to be a douchebag.

Isn’t the world of law fun?

Not a good week for Scientology

In this bathroom metaphor, he's heading your poop off at the pass.

Fresh on the heels of–director of CrashPaul Haggis’ scathing resignation letter, the Church of Scientology was dealt another blow by the Headline of the Day.

The French have done what most people assumed was a granted: convicted the organization of fraud. (Technically, members of the church have been convicted in the past, but this is the first time the church as a whole and its leadership were fined.)

Look, most religions are based around questionable practices of, at best, dubious rationale. But, pretending to have scientific knowledge about aliens in your body and the ability to assuage said aliens with expensive spa and counseling treatments as recommended by a dead science fiction writer? Sounds legit to us. Bad form, French courts.

Spam the latest monster from Square Enix, worse than Ruby Weapon

A man in Japan with no connection to Square Enix (creators of the famous Final Fantasy RPG series) or Final Fantasy XI (he’s supposedly never played it before) was being heavily spammed with FFXI re-registration emails. This individual got annoyed and took legal action.

CHUNG-CHUNG!

It seems that his email address was being used by item dealers to create PlayOnline accounts for Final Fantasy XI. His address was attached to money making accounts that were expected to be banned instantly, and his inbox was seeing the aftermath.

The gentleman then contacted Square Enix to complain and ask for the company to cease contacting him regarding FFXI. Square Enix, however, refused, claiming that it was impossible to stop sending these emails to just his email address. Instead of just giving up and simply using a spam filter, he took Square Enix to court.

CHUNG-CHUNG!

In early 2007, he filed a lawsuit in small claims court — and lost. He didn’t stop there, but appealed to a district court and won. Square Enix appealed to Japan’s High Court, but the company’s appeal was denied on Jan. 26. The plaintiff, who represented himself without formal legal consul, will be awarded ¥50,000 (US$559). That’s still more money than your spam filter’s ever made you.

It’s unknown if the upcoming Final Fantasy XIII will showcase the new “SpamBlade” weapon.

Profiles in Courage: A Warrior on Trial

Joseph Petcka is in court after allegedly killing a cat with his own bare hands.

Sure, a housecat is no mountain ox, but Petcka gets credit for possibly putting his words into action. (You’re all talk, Megan Fox!)

But this isn’t Mr. Petcka’s only brush with danger. He also appeared in a few episodes of Sex in the City, yet managed to escape with his life.

While the trial goes on, Jason Petcka, rest assured that this blog finds you guilty … of living a life truly courageous.

WHAT DID WE LOSE? OUR CASE!

SeriouslyGuys like to think of ourselves as very, very world-reknowned. I mean, we have to be in order to get you, our adoring audience and fans, the very best in news. We also like to think of ourselves as very attentive and determined. After all, who else would have brought you the news about the epic “Lesbos v. Lesbians” in May? What site would update you in June when Lesbos got their time in court? Certainly not the official Lilith Fair site, I can tell you that. And what site gives the final piece in this saga? SeriouslyGuys, that’s who.

Speaking of which, yes, it would seem that the case has finally come to a close. A court in Athens recently ruled that a word could not truly define the identity of those that reside in that area, and as such, lesbians was a fine enough word to describe gay groups. Also, the cost of the word lesbian is approximately $366.20 USD. Key words were spoken by Vassilis Chirdaris, head of G.L.U.G. (no, I swear to God that I’m not making up that acronym):

This is a good decision for lesbians everywhere

Personally, I’ll definitely agree with him. I’m hard pressed to think up of anything that goes along with “TOTALLY HOT ______ ACTION”.

The cock of the walk

High school graduation ceremonies are lame. The valedictorian always starts off by quoting what Webster’s dictionary defines as “success” or “achievement,” everyone’s wearing those stupid looking hats, and it take forever to get through all of the names. If only someone would dress up like genitalia.

In Saratoga Springs, New York, that’s exactly what happened.

Calvin Morrett, 19, dressed up as a penis for his high school graduation. Why? Why not dress up as a penis for your high school graduation? Some people, however, were not amused by the stunt that is sure to get Morrett lots of chicks.

He was charged with and plead guilty to being totally awesome disorderly conduct. The sentence: paying for an apology to be published in the local newspaper. DUN DUN DUN!

Where does one even find a penis costume?