Sexiest cow in Britain is a real contest and has a winner

There have been a lot of reminders lately to reach out to friends who may be going through a tough time. Mental health is important. So we need to ask, has anyone checked on England yesterday?

Yes, Great Britain, the country you haven’t thought about since the royal wedding. The country just awarded the title of sexiest cow. Char, a Jersey cow from Devon, took the title. It was reportedly quite a tough decision, as numerous entries were made — for the title of sexiest cow. Judges from a U.K. seed company, which hosted the competition, shortened the list to 40 candidates, and eventually chose Char.

Can someone call up England and see if they want to talk about things?

This is the best headline that you will ever hear

Not yesterday. Not today. Not this week.


It’s bad enough being part of a shotgun wedding. It’s even worse when the person you’re to marry isn’t so much a person, but an animal. BUT.

But when you pass out before you can, so to speak, complete the wedding duties, and in front of a ton of onlookers? Well, we can understand the end results of the ceremony.

Christmas cow in Connecticut

Christmas is nearly here, and surprise surprise, the animals are here to ruin it for us. A baby cow (I believe the correct nomenclature is “cowlet”) was born in Connecticut with what looks to be a cross on its head.

Of course, the owner of the cowlet sees it as a holy sign. This might be true, but we have to be careful of misinterpreting the sign. Some might see it as a sign to protect the cow and treasure it. Of course, those people would be wrong.

God so loved the world that he gave a Connecticut farmer this cowlet so that his family could enjoy the most divine veal ever made on Jesus’ birthday

‘I’ll just nip out the back and shoot myself’

On first reading this headline, “We have created human-animal embryos already, say British team,” our first instincts were to urge a tactical first-strike on Britannia.  After all, a war on animals includes preempting any Isle of Dr. Moreau attrocities.

But we continued reading the article.  (It’s only one day after April Fools, and the British press have made up news for centuries.)

These scientists may have opened the doors to The Restaurant at the End of the Universe by combining human and cow DNA.  Think about it: vegetarians will be forced to leave us steak- and, to a lesser extent, hamburger-eaters alone if we only eat suicidal cows.

Our prescription for our new bovine sapiens?  Lots and lots of The Cure.