Sexiest cow in Britain is a real contest and has a winner

There have been a lot of reminders lately to reach out to friends who may be going through a tough time. Mental health is important. So we need to ask, has anyone checked on England yesterday?

Yes, Great Britain, the country you haven’t thought about since the royal wedding. The country just awarded the title of sexiest cow. Char, a Jersey cow from Devon, took the title. It was reportedly quite a tough decision, as numerous entries were made — for the title of sexiest cow. Judges from a U.K. seed company, which hosted the competition, shortened the list to 40 candidates, and eventually chose Char.

Can someone call up England and see if they want to talk about things?

This is what society has come to: hugging cows

We, as a nation, have gone soft. People don’t have any backbone anymore. We’re all so concerned about hurting peoples’ feelings that we forget who we are and who our enemies are. For example, people are hugging cows.

A farm in upstate New York offers a new service to interact with its cows and horses. This service isn’t to learn more about the enemy, but to cuddle with the beasts. For just $300, you and a friend can hug horses and cows for 90 minutes. Why would a person do this? Apparently some believe this therapeutic to be in close contact with smelly beasts of burden.

Hippie farmers say that being close to these animals and their slower heartbeats is soothing for humans. We call it treason.

European phones are the weirdest

Milk isn’t always a bad choice, but it can be difficult, especially for the cows that are making it. Thanks to the dairy substance, people don’t accurately know when it’s time for brown chicken-brown cow for the cows! Heavens to Betsy!

But the Swiss, they’re always on top of things, such as knives and watches. And now text messages.

Because a Swiss farmer has implanted a sensor in his cows to notify him when they’re in heat with a strong accuracy rate. Or, in layman’s terms, the cows’ vaginas will buzz his phone with a text message (in multiple languages, no less). It’s like a booty call for cows … sort of.

Those are definitely sentences I never once thought I’d write.

What about ‘tail sequestration?’

A terrorist group calling themselves “The Humane Society” (Nice name, you steal it off of some New Wave band?) is at it again. This time they are taking steps to make sure cows have tails.

Of course, this matter is important in California.

If we stop cutting of the tails of our cattle, what’s next? Activists will probably demand that we stop milking them for our selfish needs, or start eating f&#$ing veggie burgers!


Farms are dangerous places. Sure, they smell bad and there is all sorts of machinery around, but it’s mostly dangerous because of the animals and the false sense of security into which you are lured. We think of farms the way we think about our childhood, we even have books and songs from our childhood to make us feel safe.

Unfortunately, the animals know all of this, and they sit waiting to capitalize on it. We have books about that, too. The animals in England, the cows, in particular, are uprising. Cows have killed four farmers in the past two months. It’s so bad that the the National Farmers Union has issued a warning to all farmers about these attacks.

Summarily, the British resolved to defend their isle until the end.

Cows are attention whores

Cows: They’re tasty, they’re full of milk that is part of this complete breakfast, but are they dumb? We tend to think of farm animals as stupid and docile–completely under our control. We forget, of course, the bloody coup that was George Orwell’s Animal Farm.

A recent study in England (not that we can trust the Europeans, either) found that cows may not be so stupid, but rather, the needy, selfish beasts we all fear they could be. Apparently, if you love your cow (in which ever way you choose) and name it, the cow will produce more milk.

Cows need your attention and need to be told they are doing a good job. Why do they need this? Because they understand English!

Save the world, eat a cheeseburger

Often, we think of our animal foes as stupid. When compared to us, they are pretty dumb. However, it seems that each of them has some sort of special gift to offer, aside from tastiness. And when that gift is shared with the rest of its animal allies their special gifts make for one formidable enemy.

Scientists who have been studying cows (where can we sign up for an exciting job like that?) have determined that the lowly beasts have some sort of inner compass, which helps them determine north and south. This, of course, is important for orienteering.

With a sense of north and south, reading and navigating by maps is made considerably easier. This means the hated animals will gain a significant tactical asset. We cannot allow this. That is why you must have McDonald’s for lunch today.