You Missed It: Too much spice edition

Spicer will return to his natural habitat, the White House bushes.

It’s the dog days of summer. I don’t really know what that phrase means, sort of like “the ides of March.” Anyway, there is such a thing as the dog days of summer, and this is it. And usually there’s not a ton of news out there. But that’s certainly not the case this week. If you were busy being accused of holding women captive in a cult-like atmosphere this week, odds are you missed it.

Spice put on ice
This week, Sean Spicer stepped down from his post as White House press secretary. He at first denied the reports as fake news from the dishonest liberal media, but then looked down at his notes and learned that he had apparently resigned.

Clovis culture
President Donald Trump this week nominated climate change denier Sam Clovis to the USDA’s top science position. “Hooray,” cheered cows across the country, whose farts represent the largest U.S. emissions of the greenhouse gas methane.

Man who didn’t murder two people granted parole
O.J. Simpson was granted parole this week after serving nine years in prison for an armed heist to steal back some of his memorabilia that had been sold. Simpson told the judge he plans to search for the real armed robber.

Why are cows eating all our Skittles?

It’s always fun to read about a truck hauling food, beer or livestock spills, and the road is littered with the cargo. But this one is different, there’s a shocking twist that you won’t see coming if you didn’t read the headline.

In Wisconsin, a whole lot of red Skittles fell out of the back of a truck and caused a mess on a county highway. Authorities were able to clean up the scene, but an unusual detail emerged in the investigation: the Skittles were intended to be used as feed for cattle.

This doesn’t seem like the typical meal for a cow, and it’s not Halloween. Have cows secretly been eating Skittles and we didn’t know about it? Do the cows have a rider stipulating only red Skittles? Does Skittles-fed beef fetch a higher price at the butcher? The situation is so alarming that Mars, the maker of Skittles is investigating why their product was reportedly being used as cattle candy.

Cow goes on a mission to ruin Oktoberfest

Just a day after we told you that there are radioactive boars in Germany, we have even more shocking animals news, and this time it affects Oktoberfest.

In Munich, a cow somehow escaped from the slaughterhouse and went on a rampage. First, it gored a jogger, sending her to the hospital. But more importantly, the cow then ran toward a field where workers were setting up tents for the Oktoberfest beer festival, which is just weeks away.

The beast was heading straight toward a worked, when it was blocked by a police vehicle that arrived just in time. Efforts to recapture the cow were unsuccessful, so authorities put it down the old-fashioned way. Because nobody messes with Oktoberfest.

Whoopie cushions are also banned from courts

The courtroom may not be the best place for practical jokes, especially in Utah.

During a trial about whether electrical currents from a power plant can hurt cows (no, really), an expert witness said that cows could not feel 1.5 volts, because humans can’t feel it either. The lawyer then handed the witness a trick pen with a 1.5-volt AAA battery in it and asked him to push it. Only thing was that the pen had a transformer in it that increased the battery’s shock to 750 volts–which is a lot.

A judge ruled that the lawyer’s actions could be considered battery of a witness.

German cows light their farts on fire

It is our sad duty to inform you all that there has been an explosion in Germany, and it appears to have been caused by animals.

Officials say methane gas from the farts of 90 cows caused a shed to explode in the town of Rasdorf. The roof was damaged, but no humans were hurt. One cow was treated for burns. Does it seem to anyone else like between the cows and the pigs, our livestock are learning how to kill us?

This is exactly why we need to invent low-emission cows.

Fart-less cows may save us from climate change

It turns out that cows are killing us by doing more than just clogging our arteries. They are also farting us into climate change, no doubt betting that we will starve when our crops dry out. Nice try, cows.

Scientists are working on a breed of cow that releases less methane, a greenhouse gas found in farts. About a fifth of all greenhouse gas emissions come from livestock, which is why it’s important that we continue eating them — and not drinking milk. But with a low-emission cow, their assault on us may be over for good.

If you’re one of those foil hat people, just replace “climate change” with “something else to blame Obama for.”

European phones are the weirdest

Milk isn’t always a bad choice, but it can be difficult, especially for the cows that are making it. Thanks to the dairy substance, people don’t accurately know when it’s time for brown chicken-brown cow for the cows! Heavens to Betsy!

But the Swiss, they’re always on top of things, such as knives and watches. And now text messages.

Because a Swiss farmer has implanted a sensor in his cows to notify him when they’re in heat with a strong accuracy rate. Or, in layman’s terms, the cows’ vaginas will buzz his phone with a text message (in multiple languages, no less). It’s like a booty call for cows … sort of.

Those are definitely sentences I never once thought I’d write.

What about ‘tail sequestration?’

A terrorist group calling themselves “The Humane Society” (Nice name, you steal it off of some New Wave band?) is at it again. This time they are taking steps to make sure cows have tails.

Of course, this matter is important in California.

If we stop cutting of the tails of our cattle, what’s next? Activists will probably demand that we stop milking them for our selfish needs, or start eating f&#$ing veggie burgers!