Coconut crab kills a bird, are we next?

Add to the list of ways humanity can end, “coconut crabs.” These massive crabs are confined to remote islands in the Pacific and Indian Oceans, but if they ever escape it’s the end of us. Don’t believe us? They can kill birds.

A biologist recently took a video of one of these dog-sized crab sneaking upon and killing a red-footed booby in the dead of night. The bird was sleeping in a tree, and the crab crawled up, broke the bird’s wing with one of its massive claws, then pounced upon the helpless creature. Before long, five other crabs came to take a piece of the carcass.

There’s no question that mankind is threatened by this crab’s existence. If it can kill a bird, it can kill a man. But the question remains, do they taste good?

Brazil has a knife-wielding animal problem

Brazilians really need to secure their knives.
Brazilians really need to secure their knives.

There’s a hot new meme from Brazil that’s blazing its way across the internet. It’s either that or a growing worry that the animal uprising has taken a new form.

Brazil, the country hosting the Summer Olympics this year, is overrun with animals with knives. Authorities say a monkey helped himself to a glass of rum at a bar, then grabbed a knife and started chasing people around. Firefighters caught and disarmed the primate, because in Brazil, “fire” is a loose term. But sadly, the monkey was released, rather than being interrogated.

Elsewhere in Brazil, onlookers were threatened by a crab that also armed itself with a knife. When a crab has a knife in its claw, find yourself a gun.

Crabs on a plane

It’s not the story of the latest knockoff by The Asylum.

It’s not the story of the people who joined the Mile High Club.

It’s the story of crabs that tried to bring down a flight … and it’s real.

A shipment of crabs caused delays last week when they got loose. Someone, clearly asleep at the wheel when it came to their job, did not kill the crabs beforehand, and another person, also clearly at the wheel when it came to their job, did not secure them well enough. The crabs managed to make their way out of the cargo hold. Luckily, no passengers were on the plane at the time, but it inconvenienced them, and that’s a blow enough for us to eradicate the crustaceans. Wars have been started over less, after all.

Clap if you believe in chlamydia

Thanks to quite a few of you out there, chlamydia and syphilis — which were supposed to be almost extinct — are making a comeback.

The U.S. Center for Disease Control reports that the number of chlamydia and syphilis cases are up for the third time in a row, and gonerrhea and AIDS are tagging along for the ride.

In fact, 2007 was a banner year for chlamydia: a record 1.1 million cases, and that’s only the ones we’ve counted. (The CDC estimates another 1 to 1.5 million cases go unreported.) This once endangered species is flourishing again, so much that the CDC is reopenning hunting seasons for it.

So, congratulations to all of you conversationalists and thank you for your dedication to barebacking it. Perhaps in a few year, we will once again see majestic crab-lice herds stomping through the prairies of the American heartland!

No more condoms!

According to today’s Headline of the Day, residents around the Chesapeake Bay have less to fear about crabs. The population is apparently dwindling, probably because everyone’s finally using those little combs and special shampoos.

In other news, Bryan McBournie has been spotted at more bars since this headline debuted. If you are a human being between the ages 18 and 75, be advised.