Clap if you believe in chlamydia

Thanks to quite a few of you out there, chlamydia and syphilis — which were supposed to be almost extinct — are making a comeback.

The U.S. Center for Disease Control reports that the number of chlamydia and syphilis cases are up for the third time in a row, and gonerrhea and AIDS are tagging along for the ride.

In fact, 2007 was a banner year for chlamydia: a record 1.1 million cases, and that’s only the ones we’ve counted. (The CDC estimates another 1 to 1.5 million cases go unreported.) This once endangered species is flourishing again, so much that the CDC is reopenning hunting seasons for it.

So, congratulations to all of you conversationalists and thank you for your dedication to barebacking it. Perhaps in a few year, we will once again see majestic crab-lice herds stomping through the prairies of the American heartland!

No more condoms!

According to today’s Headline of the Day, residents around the Chesapeake Bay have less to fear about crabs. The population is apparently dwindling, probably because everyone’s finally using those little combs and special shampoos.

In other news, Bryan McBournie has been spotted at more bars since this headline debuted. If you are a human being between the ages 18 and 75, be advised.