Give the gift of a reusable rocket

We’re a week away from Valentine’s Day, and you probably haven’t gotten anything for your significant other, have you? Isn’t it time you got them something really special?

Maybe you should get that special someone a space rocket. You’re in luck, because there’s one on Craigslist going for just $9.9 million. The SpaceX Falcon 9 is listed in “good” condition, which just some minor burns and only light use. The down side is that shipping isn’t available, so you need your own tug boat. And then you’ll have to haul it all the way from Cape Canaveral, Florida. But that will make it mean that much more to your Valentine.

It’s a lot better than naming a star after them.

Also found on Craigslist: 1 (one) shrew of a wife

Joseph Baddley, a discharged member of the military, was one of the millions that took part in purchasing Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3 at its midnight release. Because he subsequently played the game a lot, the only rational decision to be made by his wife in regards to talking to the man about his gaming problem was to list on him Craigslist.

“So he could stand in a huge long line, pick up this game, drive home and begin playing and I didn’t see him for like three days straight,” said Joseph’s wife, Alyse.

Rather than not using something logical like looking around their living quarters (because, after all, she did not see him for like three days) for the guy, or perhaps, counseling, or even just talking to the guy, listing her husband for the high price of zero dollars was the route taken.

Embarrassing someone in a public fashion? Obviously it was a joke, as she’s revealed, thus showing she’s a whimsical person and totally not a person who jumps to conclusions. Oh retroactive listing of humor, you so funny!

‘Very fun fit classy’ congressman resigns

We’re only a month into our latest class of the U.S. Congress, and we’ve got ourselves a sex scandal!

Rep. Chris Lee, R-N.Y., resigned after a camera phone photo of his naked torso was leaked onto gossipy-bitch Web site Gawker yesterday. The married father of one had emailed it to a woman on Craigslist, looking for a date.

While we think it’s ridiculous that any elected official needs to resign for doing something stupid, yet not illegal, we do believe that it’s time to set an age limit on camera phones. Wouldn’t you agree, Mrs. Favre?

He spits in the face of capitalism

The trade-up: everyone’s vaguely familiar with the concept. Here’s a quick explanation-I give you a hot dog. You give the hot dog to a homeless man for his pen. You give that pen to an accountant for a shoelace. You give that shoelace to a nuclear physicist for his clipboard. Eventually, after numerous trades, you end up as the CEO of a Fortune 500 company, or something along those lines. It’s a formula that’s been used many times in different mediums-kids’ stories, cartoons, I’ve even seen it used as a story on a cooking show. But rarely is it ever heard of in real life.

Until now.

Stephen Ortiz, a teenager in California, was given a phone by a friend, free of charge. He took the gift to the cesspool of the internet Craigslist. The phone led to an iPod Touch, the media player created by the company that is the bane of Bryan McBournie led to a dirt bike, and the transportation of teenagers in 80’s movies led to another a Macbook Pro. Eventually, Ortiz landed himself a Porsche.

As someone who works in a auto related industry, 17 year old Stephen’s lifelong dream is a nightmare for his parents.

Wii would like to get robbed

We’re not quite out of this recession stuff yet. As such, we all need some extra money every now and then. A pair of women from Toledo, Ohio thought it would be a good idea to try and sell their Nintendo Wii consoles via Craigslist. Ladies: it is never a good idea to conduct video game business over Craigslist.

For that matter, it’s never a good idea to conduct any business over Craigslist.

In two completely unrelated incidents, one woman was assaulted when a prospective “purchaser” came to her home.

“As I kind of went to close the screen door, he then proceeded to come in,” she said. “He punched me in the face, grabbed the Wii off the end of the table and was gone before I even knew it.”

The other lady’s transaction went by without a hitch. Or so she thought. After the buyer had left with the console, however, the lady noticed they’d paid in counterfeit bills. Double burn!

Internet 1, dumb animals 0

The internet is famous for bringing people together. But some of those people include poachers and rare animal collectors, fueling a resurgence in the illegal wildlife trade. It’s the Craiglist’s of the animal skin trade!

Stop looking at us like that. It’s not like we’re directly to blame, though we would like to shake some hands.

The internet’s effect on the trade of endangered wildlife was one of the biggest issues discussed at the recent meeting of the Convention on International Trade in Endangered Species, or CITES, which gathered representatives from 175 countries to discuss conservation issues. A case in point was Kaiser’s Spotted Newt, which CITES delegates voted to ban the trade of after the World Wildlife Fund declared internet sellers had “devastated” the species’s population. This is the same WWF that felt the need to make Vince McMahon (through legal means) change the name of his wrestling organization so that people wouldn’t get the two confused.

CITES chief law enforcement officer John Sellar is skeptical the internet has really made it safer for illegal wildlife traders to sell, considering how easily purchases can be traced. EBay was once one of the main marketplaces for illegal ivory trading, but a complete ban of the practice in 2008 has sharply decreased such activity on the internet as a whole.

The Internet itself isn’t the threat, but it’s another way to market the product. Most people are not willing to pay $300 for a salamander. But through the power of the Internet, tapping into the global market, you can find buyers.

Dear people who are spending that much change on animals. Stop doing so. We don’t need you to spend that much money if we’re going to be fighting a war with them anyways.

And coming up at five: a need for a new partner

A Las Vegas television news reporter was fired from his job because he and his girlfriend went on Craigslist looking for another dude to join them in the bedroom. Wait a second, it’s Las Vegas–isn’t that what you usually have to do to get the job?

This is what I love about local television stations–anything can happen. No area is safe, even mine. And when something does happen-it always makes for great ratings, guaranteed.

New baby in Near Mint/Very Fine condition, VERY R@R3!!

So, you’ve clearly followed all of our advice here at SG. You’ve met that special someone in your life, the two of you have taken pictures where you’re superglued to each other and you’ve even managed to tie the knot! Congratulations! A year’s gone by and oops! Guess that lambskin lived up to its 64% protection rate. Oh no, a kiddy’s on the way! What to do? SeriouslyGuys has been blocked from work and as such, you have no idea how to raise a child. WHAT. ARE. YOU. TO. DO?

Well, if you’re from Vancouver, then clearly, the smart thing to do is put your newborn child up on Craigslist for the going rate of $10, 000 Canadian. Hey, if you’re really smart, you can exchange the baby for the chance to make another baby, if you’re into that whole thing.

Yes, I suppose that this is a bad thing, but, hey, there is a good side to the story. 10,000 dollars Canadian translates to $10,100 American. We’re back in business, baby! U-S-A! U-S-A!