‘Crazy ants’ hit us where it hurts: our screens

"Oh, were you going to charge that phone? Eff you!"
“Oh, were you going to charge that phone? Eff you!”

For all their preparation, ants have had it rough lately. Nobody goes on picnics, or outside at all, so they’ve been forced to live on bugs and dead stuff like it’s the Stone Age or something. It was only a matter of time before a species figured out how to still get handouts from humans. In this case, it’s crazy ants, and they’re going directly after our electronics.

Tawny crazy ants, or Nylanderia fulva, are the latest South American import ant and may soon replace the fire ant — they’re immune to the acid in fire ant stings. But, let’s not celebrate yet. They also have a weird thing for swarming and destroying electronics, including power boxes, outlets and devices like televisions. In Texas, they’ve already driven down home prices by invading and destroying home electrical systems.

So, since we wouldn’t go outside and feed the ants, they’re forcing us back out by taking away our porn and Netflix. Nature always finds a way.

One ant, two ant, fire ant, crazy ant

Never before has the phrase “the enemy of my enemy is my friend” been more true to our great and noble race than now, fellow humans. Those horrid monsters, the fire ants, have plagued our land for far too long. With bites more fearsome than those belonging to a gnat, their stings even sting the nostrils! Fear not, though, as we now have a new ally … crazy ants?

It would seem so.

Crazy rasberry ants (greatest name ever or GREATEST NAME EVER?) have begun swarming the Texas countryside.

“The good news? They eat fire ants, the stinging red terrors of Texas summers.”

The bad news? They live. And I’m not talking about the Rowdy Roddy Piper movie. Oh, and they also bite humans as well and strangely enough, electrical equipment. So, what can we do? We must eradicate all the wildlife. Remember people, it’s only a matter of time before the crazy ants eliminate the fire ants, move on from electrical equipment to nuclear facilities and become try to kill us. We’re in a war, people–it’s us or THEM!.