The World at War … with Animals!

Our boys are fighting bravely all over the world, including in our own backyards and crawlspaces. Remember: buy bacon, or you’re a damn dirty ape!

And now, briefs from the War on Animals.

Caged Bleat!
Connecticut authorities have locked up two goats in the state prison, sentencing them to hard labor. The goats were turned in by farmers who didn’t want them anymore, probably for domestic terrorist attacks against their cans.

PETA burns man alive!
Species traitors and terrorist organization PETA has claimed responsibility for the future cremation of an Oregonian Oreganoan Oregranarian a guy from Oregon. They have already announced how they will desecrate their victim’s remains with pithy slogans and their logo.

The least they could do after cooking him is to eat him. You know, Native American-style.

Making funerals fun again

Everyone will someday die, and as long as you stay dead, we are OK with it. However, that doesn’t mean that death isn’t part of life. Because it’s a part of life, it can sometimes get downright strange. Don’t think so?

In England, just as anywhere else in the world, sometimes your loved ones ask to be cremated. One crematorium has thought of solving their heating bill problems with something they do anyway. Still can’t guess it? They are going to heat the building using the heat from the burning bodies. That means the deceased’s final gift to his or her friends and family is the gift of warmth.

Back in the States, death can be fun here, too. In Arlington, Virginia there is a lot of growth going on. It sits right across the Potomac River from Washington. Office and apartment buildings are constantly being built because people want to move to this happening area. However, one apartment building offers a little bit more than any other: the first floor will feature a funeral home. Now, residents can mourn the deaths of their loved ones in a more convenient atmosphere. Because just because their life stops, doesn’t mean yours has to.