Your flash mob sucks

A flash mob is a group event that participants coordinate with cell phones and social media or, to anyone who’s ever arranged to meet anyone anywhere in the last five years, not carrier pigeons. They’ve been characteristically annoying, inconvenient and embarrassing, occurring in crowded malls, public squares and on YouTube.

Leave it to unruly kids and their unmonitored Facebooks to weaponize what was once a plot device on Modern Family.

Business venture with a sour taste

Capitalism is one of the things that makes this country rich great. Who doesn’t have fond memories of their first steps into the capitalist world by setting up a lemonade stand without a business permit, locating it on property not zoned for commercial use, selling a product consumers could make themselves, and refusing to pay its employees hourly wages?

That way, you get to learn that you need an investor, and that you really shouldn’t make your friends business partners. But three girls in Georgia were treated to a less-common lesson in capitalism when a couple robbed them of the $130 they had raised to donate to a sick child for medical treatment.

That, children, is the lesson of “never open a business without a security guard or lawyer present, because the bastards out there want to take your money and never look back.”

(The alleged lemonade stand thieves were arrested.)

Some seriously U.S. wars updates

When it comes to wars, The Guys are starting to overstretch our resources. At last count we’re engaged on four fronts and with some real heavyweights, like robots, every animal in the world, extraterrestrial intelligence and the entire concept of education.

The U.S. fights a lot more wars–albeit against punier opponents like potheads and religious fanatics–so sometimes it’s hard to keep track of what our benevolent leaders are waging against. To keep you informed, we bring you A Seriously U.S. Wars Update.

It turns out there may be more to Afghanistan than poppies and Muhammad fanboys who–like our own fanboys–have poor hygiene and fear the touch of women. U.S. geologists have discovered large untapped deposits of copper, iron and lithium and believe this could help draw more international aid. Because when we think of improving living conditions for a people that have been impoverished by unchecked religion, war and corruption, we think of mining.

After over seven years of searching for chemical weapons in Iraq, U.S. forces have finally found them.

Illegal Immigration
According to an expert witness, Arizona is “the gateway to America for drug trafficking, extortion, kidnapping and crime.” That was Gov. Jan Brewer, who is experimenting with a new method of curbing illegal immigration: paint your state as a hellhole so that nobody will enter it.

So, in summation, America is winning!

Purell to become newest crime tool

A new study published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences theorizes that it may be possible to identify individuals using their bacterial trace.

You see, everyone’s covered with bacteria, not just skanky people. Over 100 species worth are all over you right now, spreading to everything you touch. Scientists refuse to call this “the Human Slug Trail,” despite all of our letters. And just like snowflakes, only 13 percent of any person’s contamination field is identical to any other person’s.

So, imagine you’re a writer for CSI or work in the much smaller field of actual crime scene forensics. The Icy-Hot Killer has struck another orphanage, but has left no fingerprints. (And, no, there isn’t any semen.) But say they left their calling card: a single can of Icy-Hot. It may be print-free, but unless they wiped it with Chlorox wipes, there should be a bacteria sample.


Anybody got any jaaaail tiiiiime?

Protip: If you’ve got a series of warrants out for your arrest, and you live in a “3 strikes” state, it might be smarter if you didn’t walk off with cheese.

In your pants.

You never know when that pack of Kraft American singles might cost you seven years up the river. None of that for us, thanks. Personally, we’re jailhouse intolerant.

Not exactly a high-speed vehicle

You may not know it, but Uniontown, Pennsylvania has a police force that works hard to solve crimes that local evil masterminds, they did not let the town down recently.

Police say Craig David Jr. was having a rough week. He had just gotten out of the hospital for a domestic dispute, where he had been struck with a frying pan and a table leg. He met an ex-girlfriend at Wal-Mart, still in his hospital gown. The ex agreed to pay for his prescription, but allegedly snatched $50 and then made his getaway on a store scooter. He didn’t get very far on one of those babies.

And it was even autographed

Prison photos may not be the most flattering spreads you’ve ever had, just ask funnyman/pimp Katt Williams. American problems are not unique, in fact they have the same problem in England.

A man police say was wanted for burglary did not like the picture authorities provided of him to the media. So he decided to do something about it. He sent in his own headshot.

While this is incredibly stupid, at least he sent in a picture of himself in front of a police vehicle, that’s slightly badass.

Starcraft continues to be serious business

A wonky Internet hookup is said to have triggered a Swedish Starcraft enthusiast’s random knife attack of a 15-year-old girl. Because, you know, that’s a logical conclusion to make.

Accordingly, the unnamed 18-year-old assailant “became angry when his internet connection wouldn’t work.” He then consulted a troubleshooting manual which apparently told him to grab a knife and go outside, as that will solve everything. There he attacked a 15-year-old girl “who was on her way home from a party and laughing with a friend.” Take that, you inconsiderate individual having fun times!

Her injuries were not life threatening. Mister Stabby was sentenced to psychiatric care.

And it probably shouldn’t be hot pink, either

If you’re going to rob a store, you may want to actually have a weapon that will intimidate. A gun is an excellent example of this, however, a toy gun–not so much. We have seen this used in several movies,  Made and Big Trouble just to name a few. But you know what happens when you use a fake gun to show people you mean business, they figure out it’s a toy gun.

That’s what happened in Alabama, when Rick Snee a man tried to rob a gas station. The store clerk was not so intimidated and pulled out a cricket bat. Seeing his error in bringing a toy gun to a cricket bat fight, the would-be thief took off running into the night.

Why the hell does a gas station in Alabama have cricket bat?