Chinese: ‘Crisis’ is the same word as ‘slow news day’

President Barack Obama announced in a press conference today that he is preparing for the potential crisis of his oldest daughter, Malia, becoming a teenager next month.

House Republicans have already responded by introducing bills to:

  • Deregulate Malia’s curfew.
  • Grant Congress final approval over boyfriend nominations.
  • Set up a panel to determine if the President is impeachable if his daughter wishes aloud that she was adopted.