Yacht owners in London probably live a very posh life. Owning an expensive boat in one of the most expensive cities in the world is certainly a status symbol. And then one day you see a crocodile swimming towards you.
A boater in London’s Chelsea Harbor tweeted a video of what appeared to be a crocodile–or alligator, we forget the difference–poking its head out of the water and looking around. The man said that the bobbies had been called. After all the panic, it turned out to just be a pretty lifelike pond ornament floating around.
It seems obvious that this was the animals testing the London police response to such an incident. They will learn from it, and strike again.
OK, if we can get the Mexicans to pay for our border wall (not sure what they have against Canadians, though), then we can get the Indonesians to pay for a crocodile moat.
Government officials in Indonesia are trying to laugh away plans from their anti-drug czar to build a super-dooper-max detention facility for death row inmates. (In Indonesia, that’s anybody convicted of drug offenses, so they’re obviously running out of room.) National Narcotics Agency (BNN) chief Budi Waseso, however, says that he is not joking about his plans to surround a prison island with crocodiles, tigers and piranhas (oh my!).
And the best part is that he’s already testing it out for our eventual border moat. Waseso says that he’s already obtained two crocodiles to study their aggression and figure out the perfect mix with piranhas to maximize convict lethality while also keeping them from eating each other.
What the Aussies don’t realize is that they’ve set off a chain of events that only a nuke from orbit can stop. Everyone knows that if you give a crocodile a chunk of buffalo meat, he’ll ask for your next of kin.
The crocodile, called Fatso, bit the 36-year-old man’s leg, tearing chunks of flesh from him as he straddled the reptile.
Did you read that? Anything named Fatso isn’t exactly cute and cuddly. Also, “chunks of flesh” were removed from the man. that’s serious stuff, yet he continued to humiliate the animal. Even better, he still managed to make his way to the pub to have a drink. That’s bad-ass.
Humiliation: clearly the greatest weapon that we possess next to bullets.
We all know where school lunches come from, people: animals. From the Salisbury steak to the bacon bits in the green beans to paste in kindergarten class, animals are fattening themselves up on hormones and protein to disable our fighting men and women.
But that’s not all: animals are also trying to curb our exercise.
Water aerobics classes in Darwin, Australia are canceled until a crocodile leaves the pool or at least promises not to eat anyone. Without water aerobics, how will Australia’s military get into shape? HOW?