Crocodile invasion of London fake — this time

Yacht owners in London probably live a very posh life. Owning an expensive boat in one of the most expensive cities in the world is certainly a status symbol. And then one day you see a crocodile swimming towards you.

A boater in London’s Chelsea Harbor tweeted a video of what appeared to be a crocodile–or alligator, we forget the difference–poking its head out of the water and looking around. The man said that the bobbies had been called. After all the panic, it turned out to just be a pretty lifelike pond ornament floating around.

It seems obvious that this was the animals testing the London police response to such an incident. They will learn from it, and strike again.

At least somebody’s been watching our debates

We've got a great name to put on Budi Waseso's dream ...
We’ve got a great name to put on Budi Waseso’s dream …

OK, if we can get the Mexicans to pay for our border wall (not sure what they have against Canadians, though), then we can get the Indonesians to pay for a crocodile moat.

Government officials in Indonesia are trying to laugh away plans from their anti-drug czar to build a super-dooper-max detention facility for death row inmates. (In Indonesia, that’s anybody convicted of drug offenses, so they’re obviously running out of room.) National Narcotics Agency (BNN) chief Budi Waseso, however, says that he is not joking about his plans to surround a prison island with crocodiles, tigers and piranhas (oh my!).

And the best part is that he’s already testing it out for our eventual border moat. Waseso says that he’s already obtained two crocodiles to study their aggression and figure out the perfect mix with piranhas to maximize convict lethality while also keeping them from eating each other.

The Aussies just don’t get it

There are a lot of front lines in the War on Animals. But, if there’s one front line that’s slightly frontier than the rest, it’s the one down under.

We thought Australia was our ally, but it turns out they’ve been feeding the enemy: a 5.5 meter (over 18 foot) long crocodile named Brutus. The dinosaur routinely finds the boat during its tours and leaps out of the water for dangling food.

What the Aussies don’t realize is that they’ve set off a chain of events that only a nuke from orbit can stop. Everyone knows that if you give a crocodile a chunk of buffalo meat, he’ll ask for your next of kin.

Warrior of the Week: The Crocodile Rider

Animals are our enemies. There is no greater tenet in life to follow.

And you know what? Sometimes animals need to know their place and have that reiterated.

That’s why we’re saluting an unknown but courageous Australian man. Thanks to the amazing power that is alcohol, a man climbed a fence and managed to ride a crocodile, all while being bitten by the beast.

The crocodile, called Fatso, bit the 36-year-old man’s leg, tearing chunks of flesh from him as he straddled the reptile.

Did you read that? Anything named Fatso isn’t exactly cute and cuddly. Also, “chunks of flesh” were removed from the man. that’s serious stuff, yet he continued to humiliate the animal. Even better, he still managed to make his way to the pub to have a drink. That’s bad-ass.

Humiliation: clearly the greatest weapon that we possess next to bullets.

Animals buttering us up for offensive

The military is concerned about fat, and with today’s national security concerns, they should be. Because animals won’t rest until you, your family and everyone you know is fat, slow and delicious.

Retired U.S. military officers are recommending that Congress regulate and spend more on school lunches. They cite an increased problem with turning away rising numbers of obese recruits. And they believe that school lunches, high in grease, fat and soda are the culprit.

We all know where school lunches come from, people: animals. From the Salisbury steak to the bacon bits in the green beans to paste in kindergarten class, animals are fattening themselves up on hormones and protein to disable our fighting men and women.

But that’s not all: animals are also trying to curb our exercise.

Water aerobics classes in Darwin, Australia are canceled until a crocodile leaves the pool or at least promises not to eat anyone. Without water aerobics, how will Australia’s military get into shape? HOW?