Next time, Mr. Bond

The U.K. is slowly calming down after a scare that it was being invaded by crocs.

Last week, a retiree was out riding his bike along the River Thames, better known as that river that flows through London, when he saw a crocodile in the river. This set off a wave of panic throughout the country, as citizens rightfully wondered if the animals were going after the royal family. But, as it turns out, it was just a fake gator used in Live and Let Die, you know, the James Bond movie that takes place in Louisiana.

The prop, which was used in the scene where Roger Moore runs across the backs of gators, was stored on an island by a man who worked on several Bond films, and likely washed away during recent flooding.

Had the Thames gator, or croc, or whatever, been the real deal, we’re sure that Bond would have handled it.

Something about this story seems vaguely familiar

So, let me get this straight. There was a reptile? And it was located? Somewhere on a flying craft?

I have no idea what we can do with a story headline like that. No clue whatsoever.

Of course, we could just chalk up the story to “crocodiles being crocodiles,” but factor in the smuggler aspect, the airplane factor and the stampeding animals variable, and well … actually, “crocodiles being crocodiles” still probably works.

Here’s a New Year’s resolution for you

Crocodiles are deadly. They are animals, and of course, our enemies. We trap them in Australia because their government is more forward-thinking than our own. We bait the crocs through traditional means, but some young and swimsuit-clad youths figured out a way to bait and taunt the enemy.

Dancing on their cages. It’s fun for both men and women.  By dancing on the croc cages, these young Aussies make themselves the bait–highly effective–and they get to make fun of their once-feared enemy. This carries on the proud Australian tradition of croc mocking, pioneered by Crocodile Dundee, as well as Steve Irwin, whose martyrdom set off this whole crazy war in the first place.

[via Deadspin]

Monsters in the pond

France is under attack, which means surrender is all but imminent at this point.

One or several crocodiles were reported in a pond near a French village, and apparently, the Frenchies aren’t used to seeing them. But the locals are calling it the “Loch Ness monster of the Vosges,” because they think it’s a monster and “the Vosges monster” was apparently taken.

Rather than grabbing torches and pitchforks, as most villagers would do when confronted with a monster, they are trying to draw the monster out, using a chicken as bait, and they may even drain the pond.

Another idea being kicked around is the construction of a massive, fortified wall along the path the crocodiles have previously invaded.

Here’s another weapon for you

Magnets are proof that there is magic in the world, there is just no other way to explain how they work. God gave us these things that stick to metal so now we can hang our pretty drawings on the refrigerator. But people in Miami have figured out how to turn them into a weapon. (The magnets, not the pretty drawings.)

“Wildlife managers” in Florida are using the mangets to mess with crocodiles. In particular, to keep them away from neighborhoods. This is excellent news, because it means we can keep our homes safe from one more threat posed by the area. Now if only we could figure out a way to deal with Swamp Thing.

The story isn’t all good, though. It seems authorities in Florida have a nasty habit of looking the other way when they take a croc into custody. Rather than making him into a new pair of boots, they drive the croc out to a new swamp and set them free. Folks, catch-and-release doesn’t work for terrorists, and it sure as hell doesn’t work for animals.

Warriors of the Week: Cane toads

It’s always fun to watch the opposing side succumb to infighting. When it comes to the War on Animals, there is still plenty of this, not only because of a food chain and all that nonsense, but because they can’t help but kill each other sometimes.

In Australia, cane toads are all over the place, or so Discovery (Channel) would have us believe. This is a bad thing for humans in most cases (like say, if you live in Australia and want to eat things produced on a farm), but aside from making a delightful squishing sound when you run over them, cane toads are helping us in another way: they are killing off crocs.

The poisonous toads, which are native to South America, are being eaten by Australia crocodiles, and the poisons then in turn kill the killers. Really, this solves two problems for us. We have fewer cane toads and fewer crocodiles. This is a win-win situation.

We don’t serve minors–or the enemy

The War on Animals means our foes can attack us at any time, no matter how safe we feel. That goes for the warm and snuggly-safe feeling of your local bar.

Patrons of a bar in Australia found that one out recently when a juvenile saltwater crocodile walked into the bar. While it is uncertain if the croc wanted a pint or to wreak havoc, this blog is going to go with the latter. Odds are the animal population is getting desperate for attackers and is now using child soldiers to do their work for them.

Luckily, the croc was wrangled up and made to pose for pictures with drunk guys and their “mates.” Think something along the lines of Abu Graib for animals.

The threat continues to grow

Animals are out there, we all know that. But despite our best efforts to put the ones we know about into extinction, we seem to keep finding new ones. Zoologists announced they have discovered a new mammal in Tanzania, which this blog thinks is somewhere near Australia.

The mammal is something like a shrew and is unusually large. This is bad news for us. When we discover new species, they are supposed to either be a) tasty or b) smaller than similar types. Larger animals only present larger threats because it gets harder to exterminate them using conventional weapons. To properly deal with this threat, this blog thinks it’s time Tanzania got a good, old-fashioned carpet bombing.

Also, paleontologists announced recently they found the fossils of an ancestor of the crocodile. The dinosaur lived in Brazil, likely because it enjoyed the Carnivale festivals. It had a long snout but lived on land. Luckily, the creature died out long ago and no longer poses a threat to us. Also, it is good to learn as much as you can about your enemy, and that includes its history. Hopefully we will discover some kind of weakness of the crocodile, or at least some really embarrassing dirt.

Headline of the Day: ‘Man dies in crocodile orgy’

Not only are crocodiles ruthless, unrepentant killing machines, but they also hold blood origes for the Devil.

On a side note, it’s a shame Crocodile Hunter is already trademarked, because it’d make a great follow-up web site to the MILF Hunter.

Image: “Croc” by kevinzim/sxc.