The capital of New Jersey is under siege. It’s been going on all winter, and the city government is going to fight back. That’s bad news if you’re a crow.
Citizens of Trenton have complained about the 30,000 some odd crows that arrived this winter and show no signs of leaving. They’re loud in the morning, they crap everywhere, and worst of all, they’re animals. Starting today, the city is teaming up with the USDA to get the crows out of town. Let’s run down what they plan to use:
- Pyrotechnics — Hell yeah, crows hate KISS concerts.
- Lasers — Unclear on whether this goes along with the concert idea, or whether the lasers are more the “pew pew” variety.
- Spotlights — Blind the little suckers. That’ll show ’em!
- Recordings of crow distress calls — Not sure how fighting loud birds with recordings of loud birds solves anything, but go for it.
- Crow effigies — They’re going to put fake crows up around town? Maybe they think that when the fake crows don’t respond to conversation they’ll get bored and leave. Or maybe they’ll burn the crow effigies. Eat it, crows!
It seems obvious to state that we are heartened to see one city getting tough on our animal foes. It’s time we take the fight to them.
No one likes crows. They’re filthy creatures that make little boys think they can fly in their dreams. That’s why we at SG completely support the destruction of those winged monsters.
But just like making a souffle and creating an incest-baby, we only support it when it’s done properly. This means using blasting dynamite or a gun that will completely discharge when the trigger is pulled. If the trigger is pulled and no bullet comes out, much less a large BLAM! sound, then it’s no good.
That’s why we DON’T support this man from Ohio. The only object he shot was himself. The crows? Still alive and presumably plotting.
The police may not have many friends in certain circles, but in Everett, Washington, it’s even worse.
There, the local cops have to deal with all the troubles that are sure to arise in a quiet Pacific Northwestern town, like cats in trees, coffee burns and directing traffic when it gets foggy, but on top of that, they have the animals to deal with. A group of crows is continually attacking police officers as they walk from their cruisers to the officers, swooping down on them, with no respect for the badge.
One officer tried to scare off the birds with his siren, only to have the crows crap all over his cruiser. Hey guys, you do have your service pistols on you, right?