Zima is back in case you want to punish yourself

Learn from our mistakes, kids.

Despite the fact that it is an awful thing, food nostalgia refuses to go away. Last year we saw Ecto Cooler and Crystal Pepsi returned to stores. This year, 1990s-era malt beverage Zima will be sold again for some reason.

Yes, Zima, the grandfather of Smirnoff Ice, has been brought back by MillerCoors. Luckily, it’s only for a limited time. Zima first came on the market in 1993. It was marketed as a citrusy clear malt beverage answering to the wine cooler craze of its era. According to MillerCoors, production of Zima stopped in 2008, although no one had seen it in the wild for nearly a decade by then.

This sugary, throwback alcoholic drink is sure to be a summer hit with high schoolers who have fake IDs.

*Now* your childhood is under attack

More like Crystal Pepsi Cola-ra! (No, seriously, even David Novak, the inventor of Crystal Pepsi, said that it wasn't very good.)
More like Crystal Pepsi Cola-ra! (No, seriously — even David Novak, the inventor of Crystal Pepsi, said that it wasn’t very good.)

We may be The Guys, but, even as guys, we’ll give the new Ghostbusters movie the fair shake it got from Bill Murray and Dan Aykroyd … once our check clears in an amount commensurate to our worth compared to Murray and Aykroyd. (So, about a case of Ecto-Coolers.) Until we see the movie, we’ll hold off accusing Kristen Wiig of killing our childhood.

Or, we can refocus that ire at a company that’s actually trying to weaponize nostalgia: Pepsi. Not only does Pepsi plan to re-release everyone’s I Love the ’90s punchline, Crystal Pepsi, but they’re also launching a terrible Oregon Trail clone¬†around it:

The goal of the video game, dubbed “The Crystal Pepsi Trail,” is to “collect as many 90s items along the trail as you can with your dawgs,” according to a developmental version of the game given to Ad Age.

Instead of hunting buffalo and doing your best to avoid dysentery, players of the remade game will seek out items of pop culture from yesteryear including pagers, bucket hats and Tamagotchi.

Yes, the opening shots on your childhood have been fired. Right now. It’s what’s happening right now. Right now. Riiiiiiight now. What are you waiting for?

Repeat of Crystal Pepsi crisis averted

California regulatory agencies declared compound 4-methylimidazole, also known as 4-MI or 4-MEI — one of the ingredients that gives cola beverages their distinctive caramel coloring — “a known carcinogen.” The classification would have forced brands like Coca-Cola and Pepsi to place a cancer warning on containers or resort to colorless colas, reigniting the Crystal Pepsi and Clear Tab Debacle of the early ’90s.

However, crisis was averted when Coke announced a formula change that will maintain their cola’s coloring while reducing the levels of 4-MI. And this is despite the company’s insistence that “the body of science about 4-MEI in foods or beverages does not support the erroneous allegations that [the Center for Science in the Public Interest] would like the public to believe.”

Historians who specialize in the period ranging from 1992 – 1993 are thankful that Coke was able to resolve this without unleashing clear colas onto an unsuspecting public once again. Now, we just have to make sure grunge remains securely in its grave.